Jokes!!

Discussion in 'The Rumble Strip' started by DQuaN, Apr 22, 2004.

  1. livemusic

    livemusic Premium

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    Ok I´ll try to translate one I just got on email today and found it funny. :dopey:

    After a long illness period, a woman dies and goes to heaven gates. While she stood there waiting to get in, she looked through the bars and saw her parents, friends and all the people who had died before her eating a marvelous dinner and having fun. When an Angel comes close she asks:

    -"What a beautiful place, how do I get in there?"

    - "I´ll say a word, if you spell it correctly you can get in, otherwise you´ll go straight to hell".

    "What´s the word?" she asks.

    -"LOVE"

    So she spells it correctly and goes through the gates. About a year later the angel asks her to watch the gates that day. Surprisingly, her husband shows up.

    -"Hi, what a surprise!" she says. "How are you?"

    - "Oh, I have been quite well since you died. I merried that nurse who took care of you, win the lottery and got millionare! I sold the house we used to live in and bouth a mansion. Me and my wife travelled the whole world. We were on vacation, and I went skiing today. I fell and knocked my head on a rock so here I am. How do I get in, honey?"

    - "I´ll say a word, if you spell it correctly you can get in, otherwise you´ll go straight to hell".

    He says: "Okay, what´s the word?"

    - "SCHWARZENEGGER"


    :D
     
  2. PS

    PS (Banned)

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    What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
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    The hooker stops after you're dead.
     
  3. xcsti

    xcsti

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    Awww man that's a good one. Wish I knew some jokes that were appropriate for GTP.
     
  4. emad

    emad

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    5,622
    Not sure if this one has been posted already but...

    A bunch of blondes go hiking in the woods. After a while, one of them just collapses. The other blondes all start freaking out screaming "oh my god, he's dead, he's dead!!" until one of them gets the sense to call 911. The 911 operator asks what happened and the guy just says "my friend here just died". The 911 operator says "First, make sure he's dead." A few seconds later, the 911 operator hears a gunshot and the guy comes back on the phone and says "ok, now what?"
     
  5. Cosmic

    Cosmic (Banned)

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    Haha. That one was pretty funny :)
     
  6. cardude2004

    cardude2004

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  7. cardude2004

    cardude2004

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    I have a joke.

    Math one-liner -
    If parallel lines meet at infinity - infinity must be a very noisy place with all those lines crashing together!

    and

    Signs and notices

    These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

    Sign on fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

    Sign in a car dealership office: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

    Sign over a cannibal's hut: "I never met a man I didn't like."

    Sign in a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

    Sign at a hotel. "Help! We need inn-experienced people."



    eat drink and recycle nortel stock enron stock joke

    Investor Advice: If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago,
    it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original
    $1,000.00. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

    On the other hand, if you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser
    (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the
    cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.

    Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and
    recycle.



    Low Bridge Joke - Out of Gas

    A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
    reads "Low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right
    ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up
    for miles.

    Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks
    around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got
    stuck huh?"

    The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out
    of gas."




    What was the problem before?

    Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

    After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

    A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

    "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."


    Only In America

    1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an
    ambulance.
    2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a
    skating rink.
    3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick Walk all the way to
    the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can
    buy cigarettes at the front.
    4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
    and a diet coke.
    5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
    pens to the counters.
    6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
    driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
    7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
    then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want
    to talk to in the first place.
    8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
    packages of eight.
    9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
    process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
    'bloodsucking creatures'.
    10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
    lettering.
    EVER WONDER Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
    Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
    Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
    Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
    Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
    Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
    Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
    with real lemons?
    Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
    Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
    Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
    When! dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
    Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
    Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
    You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
    they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
    Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
    Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
    If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
    If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?


    In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
    stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

    On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the only
    time

    I have to work on my hair).
    On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.Details
    inside. (the shoplifter special)?

    On a bar!
    of Dial
    soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would

    be how???....)

    On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's
    "just" a suggestion).

    On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside
    down."

    (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

    On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating."
    (...and you thought????...)

    On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but
    wouldn't this save me more time)?

    On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery
    after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of
    construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
    head-colds off those forklifts.)
    On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking
    this

    because???....)

    On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as
    opposed to...what)?
    On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now,
    somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
    On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
    On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat
    nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
    On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable
    you

    to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
    On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
    genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


    Here is the joke in MkrtMkr1986's signature -
    Stock market report

    Today's Stock Market Report:

    Helium was up, feathers were down.

    Paper was stationary.

    Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

    Knives were up sharply.

    Cows steered into a bull market.

    Pencils lost a few points.

    Hiking equipment was trailing.

    Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

    Weights were up in heavy trading.

    Light switches were off.

    Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

    Diapers remained unchanged.

    Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

    The market for raisins dried up.

    Coca Cola fizzled.

    Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

    Sun peaked at midday.

    Balloon prices were inflated.

    Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

    And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.



    A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. "I think this one will really move said the broker. It is currently only $1 a share."
    "Buy me 1000 shares," said the client. The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, "You were right, give me 5000 more shares."
    The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4. The client ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get me 10,000 more shares," said the client.
    "Great!" said the broker. The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.
    Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, "Sell all my shares!" The broker said, "To who? You were the only one buying that stock."



    The crooked stock broker was on trial for cheating thousands of people out of their savings with an elaborate stock fraud scheme. The District Attorney asked him how many people he had cheated, and the defendant replied, "None."
    Surprised at the answer, the DA said, "Do you know the penalty for perjury sir?"
    "As a matter of fact, yes I do. And it's far more amicable than the ones I'm currently facing," said the broker smiling.
     
    BobbyGamer likes this.
  8. skip0110

    skip0110

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    An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

    The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
    The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

    :D
     
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  9. Revheadnz

    Revheadnz

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    :lol: LOLOLOLOLOL. That is so great
     
  10. a6m5

    a6m5 Premium

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    Two guys walking their dogs. First guy sees an restaurant, he says " hey, let's get something to eat". Second guy tells him that the restaurant won't let them in with their dogs. The guy puts on his sunglasses and tells him to follow his lead. He walks upto the door, Doorman stops him, " sorry sir, no pets are allowed inside". Guy goes "Oh, that's ok, it's my seeing eye dog". Doorman apologizes and lets him in the restaurant. The second guy puts on the sunglasses and starts walking upto the door, until the doorman stops him, " sorry sir, no pets". which the guy replies "You don't understand, I'm blind and this is my seeing eye dog". Doorman asks "an chihuahua for an seeing eye dog!?". Guy says, "what! they sold me an chihuahua!!"
     
  11. den brakke

    den brakke

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    My dog named Sex

    Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

    When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.

    When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

    One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

    When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!"

    Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

    Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."
     
  12. Quick_Nick

    Quick_Nick

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    510
    Here's a George Bush joke:

    Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
    "What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

    "Nothing at all. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

    "How long did it take you?"

    "Well, the box said 3 to 5 Years, but I did it in a month!"
     
  13. DQuaN

    DQuaN Premium

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    Oh jeez that was poor/old.

    Bush and Cheney are sitting in a resturant and a waitress comes over to take their order.

    Waitress: What will it be sirs?

    Bush: Can I have a quickie

    Waitress: Excuse me?

    Bush: A quickie, I'd like a quickie.

    Waitress: Now look, i know you're the President and all but.....

    Bush: Damn right i'm the President and I want a quickie and I want it now!

    The waitress at this point storms off and refuses to serve two men, disgusted at Bush's behaviour.

    Cheney leans over to bush and says: Sir, it's pronounced quiche!!!
     
  14. jamaican

    jamaican

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    hahahaha.... i want a quickie.... err.... i mean quiche
     
  15. Sharky.

    Sharky. Premium

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    Oh man, thats hilarious!!! :lol:
     
  16. jamaican

    jamaican

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    hahh.... it took me a while to get that one, i had to read it the last two lines twice.... hahahahahah
     
  17. ExigeEvan

    ExigeEvan Premium

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    American Football



















    :p
     
  18. Small_Fryz

    Small_Fryz Premium

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    These jokes are great :tup:
     
  19. PS

    PS (Banned)

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    2,883
    What happens when a Toyota Vitz crashes into an Austin Mini?
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    Aushwitz.

    (If that offends anyone- sorry, wasn't my joke)
     
  20. livemusic

    livemusic Premium

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    A health agent was visiting an hospital. Accompanied by the hospital´s manager he passes by a room where a man is masturbating. The situation is a little odd, and the agent asks for an explanation.

    - It´s a rare desease; says the hospital´s manager. This patient has to masturbate at least for times a day, otherwise his testicles might blow up!

    The agent accepts the answer and moves on with his visit. A few rooms later, he sees a patient sitted on a bed, with a beautiful nurse on her knees making oral sex to him.

    - I demand an explanation for this imorality to happen on a hospital so respected as this one; says the angry agent

    The manager answers: - It´s the same desease of the last patient. But this one has insurance.



    Sorry for the poor translation. :dopey:
     
  21. DJM PRODUCTIONS

    DJM PRODUCTIONS

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    What does a canibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?













    He wipes:lol:




    So, theres two guys at a gay bar taking a piss in the urinals, the gay guy on the left looks over and notices the guy standing next to him has a nicotine patch on his whillie. He's wondering whats up with that so he asks the guy why he chose to put it on his schwanson. The other guy replies, "Hey, back off man- i'm down to two butts a day" :crazy:
     
  22. a6m5

    a6m5 Premium

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    :lol: I've heard the hospital joke before, but they are all good jokes. I just feel bad about having to turn PS over to Mossad(Israeli secret service), but I even liked the "American Football".
     
  23. PS

    PS (Banned)

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    2,883
    I heard it from someone else I'm sorry!! ...clever though :odd:
     
  24. PS

    PS (Banned)

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    2,883
    How many protestants does it take to change a lightbulb?
































    None, they live in eternal darkness!
     
  25. a6m5

    a6m5 Premium

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    :tdown: Booooooooooooooooooooooooo! :lol:
     
  26. skip0110

    skip0110

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    Two blondes are in the woods, and they see some tracks. One blonde thinks they are deer tracks, the other thinks they are moose tracks. So to settle the argument, they decide to follow them.


    They followed them for an hour, then the train hit them.
     
  27. Small_Fryz

    Small_Fryz Premium

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    :lol:, nice jokes.
     
  28. skip0110

    skip0110

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    Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
    Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
    In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
    purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette
    balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 out west to
    another ranch where a man has a prize bull to sell.

    Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to
    buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
    The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull and decides
    she does want to buy it. The man tell her that he can sell it for $599,
    NO LESS. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her
    sis a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph
    office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her
    that I've bought the bull. I need her to hitch the trailer to our
    pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home" The operator
    explains that he'd be glad to help her, but "It is 99 cents a word."
    Well. She only has $1 left. She can only send one word. She thought a
    few minutes, nodded, and said "I want you to send her the word
    'comfortable' ".

    He shakes his head. "How's she ever going to know that that means you
    want her to hitch the trailer to the pickup truck and drive out here to
    haul that bull back to your ranch, if all you send is the word
    'comfortable' ?"

    She explains: My sister's a blonde. She'll read it very slow.

    --------------------------


    If your girl is getting a bit on the plump side, get her to walk 3 miles each morning and 3 miles each evening.
    By the end of the week the fat b**** will be 42 miles away.

    -------------------------------

    OIL SHORTAGE 101

    A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.

    Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low.

    The reason for this is purely geographical. Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma, and Texas.






    Our dipsticks are located in Washington D. C.
     
  29. emad

    emad

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    all good ones skip :lol:
     
  30. Small_Fryz

    Small_Fryz Premium

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