Jokes!!

Discussion in 'The Rumble Strip' started by DQuaN, Apr 22, 2004.

  1. Revheadnz

    Revheadnz

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    :lol: Those are great Skip
     
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  2. a6m5

    a6m5 Premium

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    I liked this one the best. :D
     
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  3. a6m5

    a6m5 Premium

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    We had some great "your mama" jokes at work today. Here's the top three:

    1. Your mama's so stupid, she couldn't open the can of orange juice that said "concentrate".

    2. Your mama's so stupid, she failed an I.Q. test.

    3. Your mama's so fat, everytime she go out to the beach, people try to push her back in the ocean. (This was mine!......... the joke, not the mom)

    Also, couple of good ones I saw on the internet:

    Your mama's so big, everytime she gets on the bus, she's sitting next to everyone.

    Your mama's so stupid, when she heard "it's chilly outside", she ran outside with a spoon.
     
  4. DQuaN

    DQuaN Premium

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    Your mama's so stupid, she got locked in the toilet and crapped herself!

    Your mama's so stupid, she got locked in the SuperMarket and starved to death!

    Your mama's so fat, after sex your dad has to roll over twice to get off!

    Your mama's so fat, her arse has its own time zone!
     
  5. F1GTR

    F1GTR Premium

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    Your mama's so fat when she walked around Texas in stilettos,she struck oil!

    Your mama's so dumb she jacked free bread!
     
  6. livemusic

    livemusic Premium

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    Come on, leave this thread for other kind of jokes please, there´s a Your mama joke´s thread already. :)
     
  7. skip0110

    skip0110

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    :lol:

    Some not so funny puns...but you might chuckle...

    1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

    2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

    3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

    4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

    5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

    6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer! "

    7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

    8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town! to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars. (oh god thats lame...)

    9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

    10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
     
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  8. PS

    PS (Banned)

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    4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."


    zOMG!!!!211! Thats' funyy1!!!1. . .








    If I were Famine. jk :lol:

    1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
    2. You've ditched more hoes than a pimp.
    3. You have had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
    4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
    5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.
    6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
    7. Your pickup truck can tow your house.
    8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
    9. Your wife's hair touches the ceiling fan.
    10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.
     
  9. skip0110

    skip0110

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    Haha :dopey: :lol:
     
  10. Event

    Event Premium

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    :lol:
     
  11. Small_Fryz

    Small_Fryz Premium

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    very nice guys :lol:
     
  12. DQuaN

    DQuaN Premium

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    Did you hear about the athiest dyslexic insomniac?

    He lies awake at night wondering whether there really is a dog!
     
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  13. a6m5

    a6m5 Premium

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    :lol:
     
  14. Lamboracer

    Lamboracer

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    OK my sisters boyfrien matt told me this, not too funny but true. I will tell it in first person from his view.

    I was driving home with my little brother Issai. He was being unusualy quiet so i asked him what he was doing. His reply was "nothing".. A while later he asked, " have you ever been to disney. I said no. Again i hear the akward silence so i ask what are you doing.
    "Putting on the ears"
    "What ears"
    "The mickey ears",
    So i know i dont have mickey ears in my car so i look back to find him attaching my gf's bra to his head. LOL the end.
     
  15. livemusic

    livemusic Premium

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    I wouldn´t be so happy to hear a story about my sister´s bra...
     
  16. G.T

    G.T Premium

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    Here's one for you guys. From my cousin in Australia.

    How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

    A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.

    "Hunting Flies" He responded.

    "Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

    "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

    Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

    He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
     
  17. oosacker

    oosacker

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    lol
     
  18. Small_Fryz

    Small_Fryz Premium

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    Brilliant :tup: :lol:
     
  19. a6m5

    a6m5 Premium

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    :lol: :tup:
     
  20. G.T

    G.T Premium

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    Ignore post. Made thread instead. :)
     
  21. stumpydino

    stumpydino

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    heard these from peter kay, so stupid :lol:

    q - how does bob marley like his donuts?

    a - wi' jam in!! :lol:

    bloke walks into butchers:
    "hey what happened to your assistant?"
    "i sacked him..."
    "why?"
    "he was stickin his genitals(better?) in the bacon slicer"
    "well what happend to your bacon slicer then?"
    "i sacked her an' all" :lol:
    yeh! not messing now! jokes start here!!
     
  22. livemusic

    livemusic Premium

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    I like the second one, but I would edit it if I were you. :)
     
  23. emad

    emad

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    *cough*

    Three dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.
    The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says, "So why are you here?"
    The Boxer replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the cat, the kid, but the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
    The Doberman says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
    "Lethal injection, at 3:00 pm." came the reply from the sad Boxer.
    The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, "Why are you here?"
    The Lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
    "So what are they going to do to you?" the Doberman inquired.
    "Lethal injection, at 3:30 pm." the dejected Labrador said.
    The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks what he's at the vet's office for.
    "I'm a humper," the Doberman says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."
    The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and asked,
    "So, What time is your lethal injection.??
    "No, no," the Doberman says, "I'm here to get my nails clipped."
     
  24. a6m5

    a6m5 Premium

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    Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasty! :crazy: :D
     
  25. a6m5

    a6m5 Premium

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    This one was actually a spam:

    There was this blonde girl. She was sooooo sick of "blonde" jokes that one day, she decided to dye her hair black.

    That afternoon, she was cruising on the countryside in her sports car, until she came across bunch of sheeps crossing the road. She needed to stretch her legs anyway, so she got out and started chatting with the sheepherder. "Wow, you have so many sheeps here and they are so cute! I wish I could take one home." Sheepherder, the gentleman he is, tells her that if she can guess how many sheeps he has, she can keep one. She thinks for minute...... then says, "152!". Sheepherder is shocked, but tells her "that's amazing! deal is a deal, take your pick" Girl starts checking out the sheeps, and notices one that's much cuter and playful than other sheeps. "I want this one!" girls chooses. Sheepherder pauses for second, and says "If I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?".
     
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  26. DemonSeed

    DemonSeed

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    grandpa, grandpa!!! - screams little bill - 'do you still have sex with grandma?'
    yes, but only oral. - answers grandpa.
    what do you mean grandpa? - asks billy again
    i tell her - **** you! and she tells me '**** you too'
     
  27. Cosmic

    Cosmic (Banned)

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  28. inferno

    inferno

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    /\

    I don't see that avatar lasting very long.

    [EDIT]
    See, I told you so.
     
  29. jamaican

    jamaican

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    not sure if this has been posted before...


    A man and his wife were in court getting a divorce. The problem
    was who should
    get custody of the child.
    The wife jumped up and said: 'Your Honor. I brought the child into
    the world
    with pain and labor. She should be in my custody.'
    The judge turns to the husband and says 'What do you have to say
    in your
    defense?'
    The man sat for a while contemplating... then slowly rose.
    'Your Honor, if I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi
    comes out...
    whose Pepsi is it... the machine's or mine?
     
  30. tait

    tait Premium

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    A bit dirty...
    What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
    I'll see you next month :sly:

    Another;
    An old man is sitting on his porch when he sees a little boy walking up with something under his arm. "What you got there?" the old man asks. "Chicken wire," says the little boy. "What you doing with that?" "Catching chickens." "You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire," replies the old man. Later that day the little boy walks by with a long strand of chicken wire full of chickens. The next day the old man is sitting on his porch as the same little boy approaches with something in his hand. "What you got there?" he asks. "Duct tape." "Let me guess, you off to catch some ducks? Well, you can’t catch ducks with duct tape." Later that afternoon, the little boy walks by the porch with a long strand of duct tape full of ducks. The next morning the old man watches as the little boy approaches with a fishing rod with something dangling on the end. "What you got on the end of that line boy?" asks the old man. "Pussywillow." The old man jumps up and yells, "Hold on, I’ll get my hat."
     
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