Jokes!!

Discussion in 'The Rumble Strip' started by DQuaN, Apr 22, 2004.

  1. jamaican

    jamaican

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    ^^ :lol: :lol: ^^
     
  2. livemusic

    livemusic Premium

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    I didn´t get the lesbian vampire´s one, and I have no clue what a chicken wire or a pussywillow are, so I didn´t get both. :(
     
  3. a6m5

    a6m5 Premium

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    Lesbian Vampire - You know, that time of the month? :yuck:
    Pussywillow - Never heard of this one, it's an willow, so probably a plant. :)
     
  4. livemusic

    livemusic Premium

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    Ewwww! :yuck:
     
  5. jamaican

    jamaican

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    chicken wire is like 'mesh', you can look it up on google...

    about the joke, when the boy was walking with CHICKENwire, he came back with chickens. when he was walking with DUCT tape, he came back with ducks. and the last time he was walking with PUSSYwillow... so you do the math :D
     
  6. DQuaN

    DQuaN Premium

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    I got the lesbian one beat!

    There was once a young vampire called mable,

    Whos periods were heavy but stable,

    So every full moon,

    She pulled out a spoon,

    And drank herself under the table!!!
     
  7. F1GTR

    F1GTR Premium

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    Read my sig
     
  8. tait

    tait Premium

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    Haha, oh so wrong :crazy:
     
  9. jamaican

    jamaican

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  10. LoudMusic

    LoudMusic

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  11. Max_DC

    Max_DC

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    (got this one by a friend via icq...)
    Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

    One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.

    The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the asshole who pushed me in the pool!"
     
  12. livemusic

    livemusic Premium

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    Haha, good one! :tup:

    ICQ... long time I don´t use it.
     
  13. DQuaN

    DQuaN Premium

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    How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?...............


















































    2....................



















































    The trick is getting the little bastards in there in the first place!!
     
  14. ash6660

    ash6660

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    Two Burberry wearing 'Redline Magazine' reading Chavs are having a race across a minefield in two identical Ferraris.... who wins?










































    Society...
     
  15. G.T

    G.T Premium

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    Sperm Count

    The Doctor's Office: An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open.'"
     
  16. livemusic

    livemusic Premium

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    I saw it coming, but funny nonetheless.
     
  17. zoxxy

    zoxxy (Banned)

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    No great jokes, but a6m5's sig cracked me up. :tup: :lol:
     
  18. livemusic

    livemusic Premium

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    Blind Man

    A blind man, without knowing enters a gay women´s bar. He goes to the bartender and asks for a beer. The drink comes, and after a while he shouts - "Ok, I´m going to tell a blond´s joke!"

    A woman standing by him says - "Since you´re blind I should warn you of 5 things before you tell the joke."

    1 - The bartender is a blond girl;
    2 - The bar´s manager is a blond girl;
    3 - I´m a very high and strong blond woman;
    4 - There´s a blond woman on your left who happens to be black belt in Karate;
    5 - Behind you there´s a blond Kung-Fu teacher woman.

    "Do you still want to tell the joke?" - She asks.

    He says - "Nah, forget about it. If I´ll have to explain it five times I give up."
     
  19. rollazn

    rollazn

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    What's funnier is - that person can't spell blonde correctly.
     
  20. McLaren

    McLaren Premium

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    Oh that's disgusting....:yuck:
     
  21. a6m5

    a6m5 Premium

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    That's pretty good. :tup: I didn't see that one coming. :lol:
     
  22. MagpieRacer

    MagpieRacer Premium

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    Warm and Moist
    spacer
    MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
    CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
    MAN: Yes.
    CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
    MAN: He's at home.
    CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.

    The next day, the man returns.
    MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
    CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
    MAN: Yes.
    CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
    MAN: He's at home!
    CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

    The next day the man returns.
    CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
    MAN: Put your hand inside.
    CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
    MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Why was the rooster so unhappy?






    Because he only got laid once and it was by his mother.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Three blondes have just finished a jigsaw-puzzle so they decide to celebrate by going out. They walk into a bar chanting, "61 days 61 days!"

    The bartender gets curious and walks over to them and asks, "Why are you chanting 61 days?"

    One of the three answer, "Because the box said 3-6- years!"

    :lol:
     
  23. livemusic

    livemusic Premium

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    Actually babelfish tricked me. I started to type the joke with blonde, but I wasn´t sure if it was correct so I typed the Portuguese word on babelfish and the translation came up as blond.
     
  24. Roo

    Roo Premium

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    Either way works. So says the Oxford Dictionary.

    "Blond (of women usu. blonde)"

    So there.
     
  25. Touring Mars

    Touring Mars Moderator

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    A bloke is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather
    dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

    He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
    although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says,
    "sorry do you know me?" She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you
    might be the father of one of my children?"

    His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
    "Crap!" He says "are you that strip-o-gram from my stag night that I
    had on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate
    whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my bum!?"

    "No," she replies coldly, "I'm your son's English Teacher"...
     
  26. F1GTR

    F1GTR Premium

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  27. Lee

    Lee Premium

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    A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as quickly as he can

    The bartender asks, "My goodness, why are you drinking so fast '

    The guy replies, "You would be drinking just as fast if you had what I have "

    The bartender asks at him curiosly, "What do you have "

    The guy responds, "An empty wallet"
     
  28. kranzx

    kranzx

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    honey, i love you too

    A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
     
  29. Lee

    Lee Premium

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    :lol: hah hah thats pretty funny
     
  30. McLaren

    McLaren Premium

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    Pretty funny sayings.
    Learn Chinese In Five Minutes


    That's not right...
    Sum Ting Wong

    Are you harboring a fugitive?...
    Hu Yu Hai Ding?

    See me ASAP...
    Kum Hia Nao


    Did you go to the beach?...
    Wai Yu So Tan?

    I bumped into a coffee table...
    Ai Bang Mai Ni

    It's very dark in here...
    Wai So Dim?

    I thought you were on a diet...
    Wai Yu Mun Ching?

    This is a tow away zone...
    No Pah King

    Our meeting is scheduled for next week...
    Wai Yu Kum Nao?

    Staying out of sight...
    Lei Ying Lo

    He's cleaning his automobile...
    Wa Shing Ka