Jokes!!

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An Australian man is seeking to join the Police force

The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test
that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"





At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a local hospital. While the Tax Office agent was checking the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question . "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."






A young Arab asks his father: - What is this weird hat that we are wearing?
- Why, it's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!

- And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing?

- It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!

- And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?

- These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!

- Tell me, papa?

- Yes, my son?

- Then, why are we living in New Zealand?
 
Excellent jokes Dion! per your norm :bowdown:

Jerome
 
Two nuns were driving back to their convent when a vampire jumps onto the hood of their car.

Sister Agnes screamed, "Quickly, Sister Eva, show him your cross!!"

Sister Eva leans out the car window and yells, "Get the **** off our car you ****ing dumbass!"
 
On an airplane, a man is sat at the window when another man comes and sits on the aisle seat and arrives with a beautiful black Labrador, who sit in the middle seat. The guy who sits next to the window look at the dog with fear and question:
- You are allowed to enter in the plane with this dog?
The owner of the
dog explained that he was an agent of the drug squad and
that was the best sniffer dog of the team and that the name of the animal were
Valente and that if he had an interest, when the plane took off,
He would show the skills of putting the animal to work on flight.
When the plane took off, the agent said: See this! - E Valente was ordered to "Search"!
Valente jumped from his chair, walked down the aisle and finally sat
next to a woman for a moment.
Then,
returned to his seat and placed a paw on the agent's arm.
The agent said:
Good boy! He turned to the other passenger, and said: the women is
carrying cannabis, I'll note her seat and authorities will
arrest her when we land. It is not that wonderful? But it's not over yet ... >Search!
Valente went back down the aisle and sat next to a
man for a few seconds. He returned to his seat and placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The agent said:
- That man is in possession of cocaine, and I'll
Report it to authorities .
The guy at the window was delighted with the dog and the agent ordered again him to do a new search.

Valente left the hall, sat for a moment and returned
running for his seat. Immediately, the dog started sh%ting all over the seat.
The guy at the window was really surprised at the behavior of the
animal and did not understand how and why an animal so well trained was behaving that way. He asked the agent:
- What is happening to him?
And the agent unable to disguise the nervousness replied:
- He just found a
Bomb ...
 
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I just bought a Christian version of Pokemon. Why won't Charmander evolve?
 
Here are some funny facebook group names.

Have you noticed that u and i are together on a keyboard, so are j and k.

Mum walks into her sons room and say, "it smells of canabis in here have you been smoking it?" kid repiles "Mum I'm ashamed how do you know what weed smells like?"

Gramnar nazi's
(yes its actually spelt like that on the group)
 
Grammar Nazi's is incorrect grammar. Nazi's is the possessive of Nazi, Nazis is the group :lol:
 
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, but I fought him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
 
What do you call dough mixed with dill?


PS. Its my buddy's joke.
 
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“ I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night, and she said
I‘d got the biggest willy she’d ever laid her hands on”

I said “You’re pulling my leg”
 
A blonde is in bed with her husband when the phone rings. She answers it, then after a moment says, "How the hell should I know!?", and hangs up.
The husband asks, "Who was that?"
She replies, "It was your secretary wanting to know if the coast was clear"
 
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry her!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of breasts in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married my 'Miss Right'.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90% ...
it's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men ..
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.




A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well,… I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s - - t out of all of you!

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'




'Couple of minutes ago.'
 
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Small_Fryz
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Click to expand...

What do you call a woman with 1 black eye?
A quick learner.

Wives live longer than husbands because they're not married to women.
 
PureAwesomeness
No, I'm with the Punctuation Police actually. You're missing a question mark.
Click to expand...

I guess I worded that wrong then. That was meant to be more of a statement than a question, since I have no reason to question the fact that you are a grammar Nazi. ;)
 

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