Jokes!!

  • Thread starter Thread starter DQuaN
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A couple more pirate jokes because I know everyone loves them.

Where do pirates come from?
The CAAAAARRRRRibbean.

Why do pirates like eating burgers?
Because they AAAARRRRR delicious.
 
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little 🤬 on your knee." :D
 
Tom
Reminds me of this..

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNjcuZ-LiSY">YouTube Link</a>
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Someone posted it on Facebook...
haitch40
Wrong. Although dogs dont have the same colour vision as us they can see 3 colours yellow, blue and grey.
/nerdy troll.
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*Buzz Killington*
 
Slick Rick
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37OWL7AzvHo">YouTube Link</a>
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Jeez!

I forgot some other part of it, and realized it didn't make sense after posting, and now I'm getting this stuff, and I despise Facebook more now!
 
My girlfriend reckons that a small penis shouldn't affect our sex life. She may be right, but I'd prefer it if she didn't have one.
 
There are 10 types of people in life... Those that understand binary and those that don't.
 
Last week, when me and my wife went to a restaurant, lots of people looked down on us and some even yelled insults. I don't understand that. Sure I'm 50 and she is 20, but that's still way too harsh, love doesn't care about age. They almost ruined our 10th anniversary.
 
Funny and, well, great at the same time.

Bob is unemployed and applies for a job as a janitor at Microsoft. A manager at Human Resources interviews him in detail then asks him to wipe a few floors as a test.

"OK," says the interviewer, "you're hired. Just give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the necessary documents."

Bob says that he doesn't have a computer, so obviously has no e-mail address. The Microsoft interviewer tells him that without an e-mail address he virtually doesn't exist, so the company is unable to hire him.

Disappointed and frustrated, Bob leaves the building with only 10 dollars in his pocket. He decides to go to the nearest supermarket and buy 10 pounds of tomatoes. He sells the tomatoes door-to-door and within two hours has doubled his capital. He repeats the process three times and ends up with 160 dollars.

Realising that he can make a living this way, Bob works hard from early morning to late at night. Every day, he doubles or even triples his capital. After a short time, he buys a small van, then a truck, and soon he has an entire fleet for his deliveries.

Within 5 years, Bob has established one of the largest food retail chains in the USA. He decides to think about his future and wants to get a financial plan drawn up for himself and his family. He contacts a financial consultant and they compile a pension plan. At the end of the discussion, the consultant asks Bob for his e-mail address in order to send him the corresponding documents, only to hear that Bob still does not own a computer and has no e-mail address.

"That's weird," says the consultant. "You have built up a massive retail empire and you don't even have an e-mail address. Just imagine what you would have achieved if you'd had a computer."

Bob thinks for a minute, then says: "I'd be a janitor at Microsoft."
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But here's a real joke to make up for the long read.

As she lay there screaming in agony, her body covered in fatal burns, Superman knew this was the first and last time he would try and undress a woman with his eyes.
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This country has some weird double standards... I mean, if a women goes out and has sex with ten guys, she's considered slutty. But if her boyfriend goes out and does the same thing he's.....

...a homosexual.
 
Simon asked his doctor if he had ever laughed at a patient. "In over 20 years I haven't, I do my best to remain professional". With that simon dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest willy the Doctor had ever seen. It was no bigger than an AAA battery. Doc bursts out into uncontrollable laughter, wipes away his tears, takes a deep breath and says "I'm sorry, I really am, It won't happen again. Now how can I help you?" Simon says "It's swollen "
 
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts cost $1.50, and deer nuts are under a buck.
 

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