Jokes!!

  • Thread starter Thread starter DQuaN
  • 4,715 comments
  • 763,475 views
84 pages is too much to double check, but probably a repeat...

Little Johnny was in class when Teacher asks Johnny
"Johnny if 5 birds were on a fence and I shot one of them how many would be left?"
"Why none miss!" replies Johnny
Teacher responds "Now Johnny if there was five birds and I shot one, four birds would be left"
"That maybe technically correct miss but the sound of the gun would scare the other birds leaving none on the fence..." trumped Johnny
"Ok Johnny, very clever, not the answer I was wanting but I like the way you think" ended the Teacher.

"I've got a question for you miss" posed Johnny
"Yes what is it Johnny" the Teacher replied
"Three women are sitting on the park bench on a hot day with icecreams, one women is biting the icecream, one sucking the icecream and the last women was licking it the icecream" Johnny continues "Which women is the one that's married???"
The teacher ponders for a short period then replies "why it's the one that's sucking the icecream Johnny"
"No miss, it's the one with the ring on her finger, but I do like the way you think" winks Johnny
 
Late one night, a man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up
for over 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside he finds a young couple asleep in bed. He orders the guy out of bed
and ties him to a chair. Then he tries to tie the wife to the bed. While
tying the wife, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets
up and goes to the bathroom.


While he is in the bathroom, the husband whispers over to his wife,
"Listen honey, this guy is an escaped convict and appears to be very
dangerous. Look at his clothes; he appears to have spent a lot of time in
jail and hasn't seen a woman in a long time. Do whatever he tells you.
That's the only way we may come out of this alive. Satisfy him in any way
he wants, no matter how disgusting it might be for you. This guy is
obviously very dangerous and refusing him might put our lives in jeopardy.
Be strong honey, I love you."

His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my
ear. He asked me if we had any Vaseline or KY jelly. I told him it is in the bathroom.
Oh and he told me that he's gay and thinks that you are cute. Be strong honey,
I love you too!"
 
Puzyaka
Late one night, a man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up
for over 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside he finds a young couple asleep in bed. He orders the guy out of bed
and ties him to a chair. Then he tries to tie the wife to the bed. While
tying the wife, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets
up and goes to the bathroom.


While he is in the bathroom, the husband whispers over to his wife,
"Listen honey, this guy is an escaped convict and appears to be very
dangerous. Look at his clothes; he appears to have spent a lot of time in
jail and hasn't seen a woman in a long time. Do whatever he tells you.
That's the only way we may come out of this alive. Satisfy him in any way
he wants, no matter how disgusting it might be for you. This guy is
obviously very dangerous and refusing him might put our lives in jeopardy.
Be strong honey, I love you."

His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my
ear. He asked me if we had any Vaseline or KY jelly. I told him it is in the bathroom.
Oh and he told me that he's gay and thinks that you are cute. Be strong honey,
I love you too!"
Click to expand...

I'm pretty sure this has been posted before but it's still funny.
 
:lol:
Oldie but a goodie, exige.

Here's one that's really stupid that I made up today (which is quite ironic as I've been told I've got a dry sense of humour).

What did the blonde thief do at the store?



She lifted it!






getmecoat.gif




 
Last edited:
I have absolutely no idea what that's supposed to mean, because it doesn't fit any definition of English to my knowledge.
 
Decided to replace our double bed with a trampoline. The wife wasn't happy.
In fact, she hit the roof.

----------------------------
2 globules of vomit were slithering along the street one day, when suddenly one started to cry.
"What's wrong with you?" asked the other.
"This is where I was brought up..........."

------------------------------
Anyone who doesn't understand the Scots accent may not get this one, but here goes......

A man walks into a Chinese takeaway. The chinese man behind the counter looks up and says "Watcha wah?"
"Special fried rice and prawn crackers please, " replies the customer.
"Watcha wah?!" says the chinese man again.
"Erm, I already said. Special fried rice and prawn crackers. Please."
"Watcha wah. It's just been painted!"
 
Last edited:
Ok, time to redeem myself:
A nun and a man were standing in an elevator. Being the nice person that she was she looked over at him, smiled and said: "T.G.I.F."

The man looked back at her and swore.

The nun was shocked. She turned to the man and said: "There was no reason to be rude, all I said was "Thank Goodness It's Friday".

The man looked back at her and said: "Well you must have misunderstood me because all I said was, "Sorry Honey It's Thursday"
 
This guy is passing by a mental asylum when he hears a large crowd of people on the other side of the brick wall shout

'22!' '22!'

He finds a peek hole through the thick walls and takes a look. At that moment something stabs him in eye and a huge roar comes

'23!' '23!'
 
80Y 2C2
So...I went on one of those "once in a lifetime" holidays.. - I tell you what...never again..
Click to expand...

Isn't that from a Rodney Dangerfield routine? What a legend.

"People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon.." (or, to make sure it's up-do-date, BP!)


When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.


One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
 
Not really jokes but a few observations....

1)If you strangle a Smurf, what colour does he turn?
2)How does a man who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning?
3)If you live alone, do you still automatically lock the door when you go to the bathroom?

-----------------------------------------------
This one is best acted out. Reading isn't really funny, but tell it to others and you'll get a laugh. It's one of those so-stupid-it's-funny short ones......

How do you sell a caravan to a midget?
(wait until the person says "I don't know", then bend over and say..........)

Do you wanna buy a caravan?!

(you bend over as if looking at someone very small. Get it?)
 
Last edited:
Q: Why is God the happiest man in the world?
A: Because he does not have a mother in law.
 
Last edited:
Alex Ferguson walks Into a cake shop and says
"Excuse me love Is that a Macaroon or a Meringue"
She says
"Yes your right It's a Macaroon"
 
livemusic
Had to read that twice to get it. I'm not very good with accents.
Click to expand...
Don't worry... Even I had to read it a couple of times before I saw the joke :p
I suppose I was looking for some football reference or something..
 
I heard this on 2 and a Half Men last night. Its less of a joke and more a little riddle/saying thing.

-----------------------------------------------------
You're sad, homeless, lonely and blue,
If I gave a rats ass I would worry about you!
 
Not got children? Hire a babysitter anyway, say the kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. When you get home later that evening, go mental and ask where the child has gone.
 
^ :lol: or even better if you do have children get them to stay at grandmas then get uncle round to babysit and do the same thing when you get home...might be tricky getting them to babysit again :ouch:
 

Latest Posts

Back