Jokes!!

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If big chested women work at Hooters, where do one-legged women work at?

IHOP :dopey:


(Anyone seen my coat?)
 
What did the bathtub say to the toilet?




"I get just as much ass as you, but I don't have to take any crap.





yeah that just happened
 
:lol: I wish I had a funny joke to tell, this one will probably go in the FAIL department: Me:How can you possibly relate the 24 hour weather forecast to food? My buddy:Well it's simple, it's chili tonight and hot tomale... I'm sorry folks.
 
Sorry if anyone finds this joke offensive, but it's my mum's favorite;

An Asian, an Australian and an American are all stuck on an island just off the coast of Australia. They're sitting together trying to create a camp site. The Australian looks at the other two and says: We need to split up and search for things so we can last through the night. He tells the American to look for food, the Asian to look for supplys and he goes off looking for things to create shelter. The American comes back first empty handed and upset. The Australian comes back with some small sticks, but nothing to make shelter with. He looks at the American and says, lets hope the Asian finds some supplys. They then heard russling in the bushes, and out jumps the Asian shouting 'Suprise!'
 
A rabbit walks into a butchers shop and asks "Do you have any cabbage?"

Politely the butcher replies to the rabbit "I'm sorry we don't sell cabbage, this is a butchers, we sell meat"

The rabbit replies "OK" and leaves.

The next day the rabbit goes back to the butchers and ask "Do you have any cabbage?"

The butcher replies "I told you yesterday, we sell meat, there's no cabbage here"

The rabbit replies "OK" and leaves.

The next day the rabbit returns again and ask the same question "Got any cabbage?"

The butcher gets rather angry and says "Look we don't have any cabbage, we sell meat and if you come back again I'm going to nail your to the wall by your ears! Now 🤬 off!"

The next day the rabbit returns.

Rabbit "Got any nails?"

The butcher "What? No."

Rabbit "Got any cabbage?"

......................................................................................

Drunk: Now you see, that dog must be real happy. See him licking his balls? I wish I could do that!

Barman: Give him a bone and he might let you.

.......................................................................................

Not so much a joke but funny all the same....

On the grave of Spike Milligan (comedian, poet) -
"I told you I was ill!"
 
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If a quiz is quizzical, what's a test?



















































A testicle!!

LOL yeah, I know it is immature and not that funny. But hey, you don't have to read it if you don't want to.
 
I have a couple of jokes today. What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and Billy Graham have in common? They both make 20,000 people stand up and say 'Jesus Christ'. What do you call 30 millionares sitting around the tv watching the Stanley Cup Playoffs? The Toronto Maple Leafs. What do the Toronto Maple Leafs, Toronto Blue Jays and Toronto Argonauts have in common? None of them can play hockey. How do you stop the Toronto Maple Leafs from coming in your yard? put up a goalie net.
 
More jokes :lol:. What's the difference between the Toronto Maple Leafs and a cigarette vending machine? The vending machine has Players! What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and whales have in common? they both get confused when surrounded by ice.
 
Whats the difference between a Harley Davidson and a Hoover (Vacuum)





The location of the dirtbag.

Heard that from my genius intro to aircraft design professor.
 
What's the similarity between XBOXs and Michael Jackson?

































Kids turn them both on!!

No, I don't believe in the "MJ's a molester" thing, I just thought this was funny.
 
:lol: So this guy says to the bartender, 'Can my dog and I watch the Toronto Maple Leafs game here? I can't get the game on TV.' The bartender replies, 'Normally, dogs aren't allowed in the bar. But its not very busy, so you guys can watch the game. But if there's any trouble you have to leave.' The guy agrees, and he and the dog watch the game. The Leafs manage to score a goal, the excited dog jumps up on the bar, barks loudly, does a backflip and runs over to the bartender and gives him a high-five. The bartender says, 'Wow, that's pretty cool! What does he do when the Leafs win a game?' The guy then answers, 'I have no idea, I've only had him for ten years.' :lol:.
 
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
- Patrick Murray

It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!
- Richard Jeni

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
- Phyllis Diller

----------------------
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper, So I'd be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, So I could have a new one everyday!
----------------------
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.
...
...
The rest cheat in Europe!
- Jackie Mason

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henry Youngman
-----------------------
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep... not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
---------------------------
This might be a bit offending for some:

George W. Bush and Tony Blair are at a White House dinner.
One of the guests walks over to them and asks what they're discussing.
"We are making up the plans for World War III", says Bush.
"Wow", says the guest. "And what are the plans?"
"We're gonna kill 2 billion Muslims and one dentist", answers Bush.
The guest looks to be a bit confused. "One...dentist?" He says. "Why will you kill one dentist?"
Blair pats Bush on the shoulder and says, "What did I tell you? Nobody is gonna ask about the Muslims."

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Life is a boring and ugly game but at least the graphics are good..
--------------------------
these People must die-
People who go to the pool and wear swimming clothes and only put their legs in the water..

People who keep there TV Remote control in a plastic bag.

People that when you lose something and you're looking for it they ask you "Where did you put it last time".
 
The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that ~ with one little wave of your hand? Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!



It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1964 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to
drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"

"Iced tea, please," Fred said Mom brought the iced tea.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.
"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.
"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.

"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous. "Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and hoop skirt, and with her hair tied
back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. "The goddamned dance is called the Twist!"
 
3 rednecks drive their truck into a river. The driver is ok because he had the window rolled down, so he just swam out and up to safety. The two in the back, however, were not so lucky. They couldn't get that darn tailgate down. :guilty:
 
2 muffins are in an oven.
"Wow it's hot in here" says muffin one
"Wow, a talking muffin" says the other.


Where's my coat?
 
Ha :rolleyes:, we've only heard that one a million times. Here's one. A woman walks into a pet store and says, "Can I get a puppy for my daughter?". The pet store owner replies, "Sorry lady, we don't do trades." :lol:
 

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