Jokes!!

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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried" $150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
 
:lol: I thought the punch line was going to be a play on words with "limp duck" but that wouldn't have been very AUP friendly...
 
How many Microsoft progammers does it take to change a lightbulb?


None. they just change the standard to darkness.



There's a new Robert Ludlem book coming out, about Jason becoming a christian.

It's called "The Bourne Again"

(credit that last one to a good friend of mine!)
 
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Death of an eel

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious.

He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. He did this, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath.

His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake! Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel... I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats.... they have nine lives or something. This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet."

His Mother fainted.
:lol:
 
D_B_Coop
A bus full of ugly people gets into a crash and they all die. Feeling pity for them, Jesus grants them all one wish. The first person thinks about it and wishes to be beautiful. Jesus grants him his wish and goes to the next person. The next person hears the first person's wish and wishes to be beautiful also. This keeps goind down the line until there are five people left. At that point, the last person starts chuckling. The next four people wishes to be beautiful too. Then, the last person is laughing hysterically. After he stops laughing, he tells Jesus to make them all ugly again.
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I actually laughed at that one, good one
 
:dopey: Here are a few old groaners:


Why do so many women fake orgasms?
They think we care.

What do women have in common with dog poop?
The older they are, the easier they are to pick up.

What do women have in common with tile floors?
If you lay 'em right the first time, you can walk all over them for years!

Why does the bride always wear white?
So the dishwasher can match the rest of the appliances.
 
In the 60s, NASA astronauts discovered that pens did not work on zero gravity. So they started making a super-pen that writes on zero gravity, underwater, on high temperatures, low temperatures, on rocks... It costed billions of dollars and 10 years for NASA research this kind of technology.





































The russians, however, used a pencil.
 
This one's robbed from Alan Partridge:

I was walking through Paris this moring, and a man ran past and threw himself into the river.

He was literally in Seine.
 
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."



A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"



A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!'
 
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Type S Tony
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."



A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"



A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!'
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:lol: Those were actually pretty good.

I found this one. Sorry if you don't like it...

Why did Michael Jackson run to Wal*Mart?
Click to expand...
(Highlight to Reveal Answer)
Because Boys' pants were half off.
 
Two kindergarden kids are having a discussion.

The one says, "Is your dad working?', to which the other kid responds, "Why, your dad is broken!?"


A moribund Scotchman is lying powerless on his bed with his family surrounding him.

He then, in weak voice, says, "My wife, are you here?"
-"I'm here my beloved husband"
"Are you here my son"
-"I am here my father."
"Are you here my lovely daugher?"
-"I am by your side, father."
"And who the hell runs the store?!"
 
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akmuq
2 muffins are in an oven.
"Wow it's hot in here" says muffin one
"Wow, a talking muffin" says the other.


Where's my coat?
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How about this refurbished version:

2 jacket potatoes are in the oven
One says "woah, it's hot in here"
The other replies "well take your jacket off then"
:lol:
 
A man was feeling hungry so went to the local garage to buy a sandwich. Just as he was about to tuck in, he saw two wires protruding out of it. Curiously he opened it up and was astonished to find a bomb between the two slices. Thinking quickly, he whipped out his phone and telephoned the police.

"Help!" He cried down the phone. "Send your bomb disposal unit! There's an explosive in my sandwich!"

Calmly, the operator said, "sir, there cannot possibly be a bomb hidden in your sandwich. Is it ticking?"

Mishearing, the man replied, "no, it's ham and cheese."




Bear with this next joke. It's clean but slightly racist.

A policeman was on the beat, and was just about to finish his shift when he turned a corner to find someone doing the weirdest thing he'd ever seen. He burst out laughing, and, unsure of what to do, radioed in to headquarters.

"Bleedin' 'eck mate!" He cried between gasps. "I've just had the fright of my life! I've just turned the corner and found this black man dancing on top of a Ford sedan!"

"Officer, that's no way to speak over the radio," came the response. "Now sort yourself out and describe what you've just seen in a manner which is slightly more politically correct."

The policeman was stumped. After a 30 second pause he replied, "OK headquarters, errr.. Zulu Tango Sierra."
 
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right…Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers,

"My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
 
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Cleveland Browns. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Taliban soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM !

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KABOOM !

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Browns go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mother," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, his old Taliban mother says. "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,


"I will never forgive you for making us move to Cleveland !!!
 
As a kid, little Johnny wanted to be a ballet dancer but his parents didn't let him, saying that was for fags.

Soon after he decided he wanted to be a hairdresser, but his parents didn't let him, saying that was for fags.

After a while he said he wanted to be a fashion stylist, but his parents didn't let him, saying that was for fags.

Today Johnny is a gay with no job.
 
After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him. "How 'bout that!" he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in
the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin', he would go there and look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror...

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with!"
 
So I just went to the bar and ordered the newest cocktail: it's called the Osama bin Laden. It's pretty easy to make: two shots and a splash of water.
 
Villain
Knock Knock

Who's there?

To.

To who?

To whom!
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Yes. Also works with 'after' and 'with'.

Not so much a joke, and it's not even that funny but there's this trick going round in work. I work in a McDonald's that's inside an Asda (A Supermarket for non-UKers). Basiclly, you go up to someone at work and ask them "Have you seen the guy who goes around Asda avoiding ugly people?" Fingers crossed, they look confused and answer "No". Yeah, not that good but I find it strangely amusing.
---

Patrick buys a bath, but angrily storms back to the shop, complaining; "The water doesn't stay in". The shop clerk retorts; "Have you tried using the plug?". Taken aback, Patrick replies; "Bugger me, you never told me it was an electric bath!"
 

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