Jokes!!

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shem
I was at the gym this morning when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to poke my finger into. Unfortunately, she complained to the management and I am now barred for life.
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*Unstoppable laughter* That's utterly brilliant!
 
Are we allowed to make jokes directed toward a certain race? I know the rules say not to be racist, and I don't want to look racist, but I have a funny joke that my immature mind made up.
 
Schwartz38
Are we allowed to make jokes directed toward a certain race? I know the rules say not to be racist, and I don't want to look racist, but I have a funny joke that my immature mind made up.
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Go ahead if you think its ok just keep in mind that we have people of all races here.
 
haitch40
Go ahead if you think its ok just keep in mind that we have people of all races here.
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Okay, here goes. Its a black joke. If you may get offended, just don't read it.

Q. What are the similarities between X2010s and negroes?

A. They're both fast, they're both discriminated against, and everyone owns one.

Sorry if I offended you. I just had to get this joke out there. If you want to quote the joke, quote my whole post please. Thanks.
 
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic" . "Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to 🤬 off.

* * * * *

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.

He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.

You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote an email:


Dear MaMa,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son

Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his MaMa which read:

Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving MaMa
 
Nicksfix
Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.

He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.

You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote an email:


Dear MaMa,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son

Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his MaMa which read:

Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving MaMa
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This one is really good. 👍
 
for my girlfriend's birthday i gave a her a rocket
she asked "what the hell am i going do with a rocket"
i said "well you wanted space now f@*^ off"

Don't play with a girls heart... She only has one, play with her 8008z... She has two of those. :-p
 
Schwartz38
Okay, here goes. Its a black joke. If you may get offended, just don't read it.

Q. What are the similarities between X2010s and negroes?

A. They're both fast, they're both discriminated against, and everyone owns one.

Sorry if I offended you. I just had to get this joke out there. If you want to quote the joke, quote my whole post please. Thanks.
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lol Kinda funny, yes though, it'll probably be considered a bit offensive.

So, in a slightly less slavery-related joke:

Q: What do you call a bunch of black people buried up to their ears in the dirt?


A: Afro turf.

One of my black friends told me that. But come one, there's gotta be some white people jokes out there. I've heard many hilarious black jokes, I won't post them as I know they're pretty offensive. (some of them are just offensive in general)
 
It didn't offend me, I'm just saying that little bit might just be the final click to calling it an AUP violation.
 
Negrumir
PM a mod and find out. :)
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I read the AUP, and the closest rule I could find that I could have violated is to not harrass/ attack any group, which I didnt necesarily do.
 
Schwartz38
I read the AUP, and the closest rule I could find that I could have violated is to not harrass/ attack any group, which I didnt necesarily do.
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It was funny because of the slavery part. This is a jokes thread tho so people should already expect they may fall into the punch line.
 
Most awkward question to ask Subaru owners: Boxers or Briefs?
 
A friend told me this one a few years ago.

Q: Have you tried the new up dog?
A: What's up dog?
 
Santa is in court aparently he looked this women right in the eyes and called her a hoe hoe hoe.
 
An old one:
Two men walk into a bar........ You'd have thought one of them would've seen it
 
Two men are walking their dogs when they pass a pub.
The first says, "why don't we go in and get something to drink?"
The second replies,"They don't allow dogs in there."
"No problem," the first replies, who dons a pair of sunglasses and walks in.
"Hey," the bartender says,"We don't allow dogs in here."
I'm blind," the man says,"This is my seeing eye dog."
"Oh, that's alright then. Just make sure he behaves," replies the bartender. noticing how well this worked for his friend, the second man also dons a pair of shades and walks into the pub, drawing the same protest from the bartender.
"This is my seeing eye dog," he replies.
"But that's a Chihuahua!" the bartender says, not believing a word of it.
The mas replies, "They gave me a chihuahua!?"
 
I hope this is ok.

Where do they ask you, "Cup or cone"?

Victoria's Secret
Lame or lol?
 
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A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."
 
Due to Man utd and Man city's untimely and unexpected exit from the champions league there is to be a minutes laughter before all premiership games this weekend. :D
 
A Scottish guy is onboard a plane taking a trip.

Next to him an attractive lady is sitting, both of them gazing outside the window without saying a word. Then, he decides to break the ice and speaks to her:

-"Hello what is your name?"
-"Hi, I'm Mary", said Mary showing disinterest.
-"Where do you work Mary?", he continued.
-"I am a sexologist", she said.
-"Hmm, a sexologist you say?", he asked seemingly baffled, "...like you know about sex?"
-"Yes, you can say that. It is among the things I teach to the studets."

The guy stopped for a second and was pondering when he turned to the sexologist and asked her:

-"Would you please tell me, according to your knowledge, which men are the most... how to say, MANLY?"
-"Err, it is known that by far they are the native american Indians."
-"The Indians eh...? How about the second most manly men?"
-"They are the Jews."
-"The Jews ha? Ok, so what about the third most manly men?"
-"The third most manly men are the Scottish people."

The guy's eyes sparkled and immediately stretched his arm to greet Mary saying:

-"Nice to meet you! My name is Geronimo Koen Duncan!"
 

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