Jokes!!

  • Thread starter Thread starter DQuaN
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what is the difference between labor and a Toyota Camry

the Toyota Camry has more seats

if you are not from Queensland you wont get it
 
Here's another one you can get your friends with.

First ask them if they have been to Wal-mart.

Just say "You've been to Wal-Mart before right?"

Then say "Well have you seen the Clown that hides from gays"?

When they say no,what,huh or something similar just say exactly.
 
Starfirebird
Here's another one you can get your friends with.

First ask them if they have been to Wal-mart.

Just say "You've been to Wal-Mart before right?"

Then say "Well have you seen the Clown that hides from gays"?

When they say no,what,huh or something similar just say exactly.
Click to expand...

Ohh.. one of my favorites!
 
Antonisbob
Ohh.. one of my favorites!
Click to expand...

I have a bunch of jokes,It's tough for me to remember them all though.

This is one of my favorites too,i've gotten so many people with it over the years.

Sorry one more and i'll be done with jokes today.It just popped in my head and thought you guys would get a kick out of it.

One day I came home early from work and I saw a guy jogging naked near my house. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy…why are you doing that for?” He said, “Because you came home early.”
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Not a joke, but thought this would be the most suitable thread. Copy/paste from another forum:

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed..

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks causes throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
 
The Infinite Monkey Theorem suggests that if you give an infinite number of monkeys an infinite amount of time, one of them will produce the entire works of Shakespeare.

A few years back, someone reduced the number of monkeys to 100, gave them a 12-hour deadline and created the Daily Mail.
 
Kievit
Not a joke, but thought this would be the most suitable thread. Copy/paste from another forum:

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed..

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks causes throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Click to expand...

Haha, some of these are pretty good :)
 
boiltheocean
The Infinite Monkey Theorem suggests that if you give an infinite number of monkeys an infinite amount of time, one of them will produce the entire works of Shakespeare.

A few years back, someone reduced the number of monkeys to 100, gave them a 12-hour deadline and created the Daily Mail.
Click to expand...

Epic. You could apply that to modern pop songs too. :lol:

Anybody hear about the North Korean rocket? They call it an ICSM - InterContinental Submerged Missile. :sly:
 
Teacher: So Johnny, where is your RE homework on the life of Jesus?

Little Johnny: Well you see, sir, I had done it, and it was absolutely amazing, but then it died over the weekend, it had come back to life on Sunday but now it's gone and ascended to heaven.

Teacher: You expect me to believe all that crap you've just told me?

Little Johnny: Exactly.
 
Tesla
Teacher: So Johnny, where is your RE homework on the life of Jesus?

Little Johnny: Well you see, sir, I had done it, and it was absolutely amazing, but then it died over the weekend, it had come back to life on Sunday but now it's gone and ascended to heaven.

Teacher: You expect me to believe all that crap you've just told me?

Little Johnny: Exactly.
Click to expand...
:lol:
Baaaa dummmm tshh!
 
Real car ad for a Daihatsu Feroza (Rocky)

Let me start off by saying this Feroza is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). If it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Daihatsu would look like Tom Selleck.

It was never intended to drive to Rundle Mall so you can pick up that adorable Abercrombie & Finch shirt that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Home & Garden. That's what your Prius is for. If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favour and stop reading right now.

This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or Bluetooth (real men don't even know what the hell Bluetooth is).

No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 4cylinder 1.6L engine to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a fire extinguisher in the back. You know what the fire extinguisher is for? Fire! The Feroza also has a removable roof so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the back and drive with ease. It's saved my bacon more than once.

My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $2800, but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $200 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.

There's only 240000km on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me; it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name.

Rock on.
 
:lol: THAT is how you sell a car! The fact that it's so lame just makes it so much better.
 
It would totally work too. He has managed to build rappel and made you laugh before even speaking!

I love using humour in sales :D
 
A woman says to her husband 'You never take me anywhere expensive anymore'.
'Put your coat on' replies her husband.
'Why?'
'I'm taking you to the petrol station'
 
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian,
a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an
Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a
Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a
Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', scrutinizing the group one by one and barring their entrance into the restaurant.























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Go on, more




























"You can't come in here without a Thai. !!!!"
 
I laughed especially hard when my wife read it and was a bit annoyed that her nationality was the only one being made fun of. I don't think she really got entirely. :)
 
Never Take Your Husband For Shopping



After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store.We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1.June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7:
Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14:
Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23:
When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4:
Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10:
While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3:My Favorite
Darted around the store, suspiciously, while loudly humming theMission Impossible' theme ..

12. October 6:
In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME!

14. October 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least...

15. October 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'



2 Comments Tags:marriage jokes


via : http://www.laughitout.com/2008_08_01_archive.html#ixzz1stJOUHD8
 
It has been posted recently but it is one funny joke. I didn't mind reading it again to be honest. :)
 
What's the difference between Charlie Sheen and FC Barcelona?

















Charlie Sheen 🤬 Chelsea!
 
Go to Google maps, and directions.
Type in 'The Shire' in the first entry box
Type in 'Mordor' as your destination.
Get Directions, and switch to walking.
Enjoy google at its best
 
Emptyone
Go to Google maps, and directions.
Type in 'The Shire' in the first entry box
Type in 'Mordor' as your destination.
Get Directions, and switch to walking.
Enjoy google at its best
Click to expand...

Did you mean a different: The Shire

Did you mean a different: Mordor

Add Destination - Show options

Get Directions

Walking directions are in beta.

Use caution – One does not simply walk into Mordor.

Suggested routes
133 mi, 1 day 20 hours
WA-507 N
135 mi, 1 day 20 hours
WA-507 N and Pacific Hwy E
Walking directions to Mordor

The Shire
465 Northwest Chehalis Avenue
Chehalis, WA 98532
1. Head north on NW Chehalis Ave toward NE Boistfort St
108 ft
2. Slight left onto NW Pacific Ave
387 ft
3. Turn right onto NW Front St
348 ft
4. NW Front St turns slightly right and becomes N National Ave
95 ft
5. Turn left to stay on N National Ave
0.3 mi
6. Slight right to stay on N National Ave
0.6 mi
7. Slight left to stay on N National Ave
1.1 mi
8. Continue onto S Gold St
1.0 mi
9. Slight left onto Southbound Viaduct
0.3 mi
10. Slight right onto S Pearl St
3.0 mi
11. Slight right onto WA-507 N/​Downing Rd
Continue to follow WA-507 N
7.4 mi
12. Turn right onto 184th Ave SE
184 ft
13. Turn left onto Crowder Rd SE
2.3 mi
14. Turn right onto W Park Ave
1.5 mi
15. Continue onto WA-507 N
1.3 mi
16. Turn left onto Thurston Co Rails-To-Trails/​Yelm-Tenino Trail
Continue to follow Yelm-Tenino Trail
11.2 mi
17. Turn right onto SE Mosman Ave
180 ft
18. Turn left onto 1st St S
0.2 mi
19. Turn right onto WA-507 N/​E Yelm Ave
Continue to follow WA-507 N
7.6 mi
20. Slight right onto WA-507 N/​Spanaway McKenna Hwy/​Water St
Continue to follow WA-507 N/​Spanaway McKenna Hwy
7.7 mi
21. Continue onto Pacific Ave S/​Quinnon Rd
Continue to follow Pacific Ave S
10.6 mi
22. Turn right onto S 27th St
371 ft
23. S 27th St turns left and becomes A St
0.1 mi
24. Turn right onto E 25th St/​5th
Continue to follow 5th
394 ft
25. Continue onto E 25th St
1.0 mi
26. Turn left onto E Portland Ave
243 ft
27. Turn right onto Eells St
0.6 mi
28. Continue onto Pacific Hwy E
6.8 mi
29. Slight left onto State Route 99 S
14.1 mi
30. Continue onto Tukwila International Blvd
0.7 mi
31. Slight left to stay on Tukwila International Blvd
0.1 mi
32. Continue onto E Marginal Way S
3.2 mi
33. Turn right onto 4th Ave S
1.9 mi
34. Slight left to stay on 4th Ave S
3.0 mi
35. Turn right onto Stewart St
479 ft
36. Turn left onto Westlake Ave
0.1 mi
37. Slight left onto 7th Ave
0.3 mi
38. Turn right onto Aurora Ave N
5.2 mi
39. Slight left onto State Route 99 S
2.8 mi
40. Slight right onto State Route 99 N
2.8 mi
41. Slight right onto WA-99 N/​State Route 99 N
9.0 mi
42. Slight right onto Evergreen Way/​State Route 99 N
Continue to follow Evergreen Way
5.5 mi
43. Continue onto Rucker Ave
2.1 mi
44. Turn right onto 20th St
0.5 mi
45. Turn left onto Broadway
1.5 mi
46. Continue onto Pacific Hwy
0.9 mi
47. Continue onto WA-529 N
2.1 mi
48. Continue onto State Ave
2.4 mi
49. Turn right onto 100th St NE
243 ft
50. Turn left onto Shoultes Rd
0.6 mi
51. At the traffic circle, continue straight onto 51st Ave NE/​Shoultes Rd
4.1 mi
52. Turn right onto 172nd St NE/​Edgecomb Rd
1.0 mi
53. Turn left onto Centennial Trail
2.9 mi
54. Slight right to stay on Centennial Trail
0.3 mi
55. Turn right onto E 3rd St
236 ft
56. Turn left onto N Olympic Ave
0.3 mi
57. Turn right onto E Division St
Destination will be on the left
69 ft
Mordor Tattoo

117 E. Division St., Suite E

Arlington, WA 98223

Save to My Maps
 

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