My Story. (Warning: Long)

Discussion in 'The Rumble Strip' started by MistaX, Apr 18, 2007.

  1. MistaX

    MistaX Premium

    United States
    Ever since I made that post in the "Why are people so cruel" thread about my own issues, I've been considering making a thread about it.

    Tonight I had a pretty major reaction from Ozzy on MSN, about how "Dude, the way you acted when I met you, no one would ever know"

    He's right. I don't act depressed. Like anyone who is actually clinically depressed.

    Anyway, that inspired me to make a thread. Because the first step in repair is admission, right?

    For as long as I can remember I've been depressed. It began at around 6th grade, my first year in the local public school, after spending K-5 in the local Catholic school. I decided on my own to make the switch due to no one living around me, and not being able to "hang out" with local kids.

    The switch was a complete disaster, I was made fun of constantly. Throughout 6 through 8th grades I had around 5 friends. The same 5.

    Upon the switch to High school, I entirely changed myself. From being a complete nerd, I went to a complete.. there really wasn't a term for it at the time, but what you would now call a "goth" but not conventional.

    I bought myself a really, really, really long black trench coat and wore black. Always. Freshman year went decent, Sophomore year everything went to hell.

    It started by me cutting class. To sleep outside. Once a week, at most, to start.

    By the end of November I was kicked out of every class but one, due to never showing up. I spent every day hanging out outside talking to the crossing guard.

    After literally telling a teacher to "Go **** Yourself" I was forced to face one of the directors, and he asked me straight out "What the hell is wrong with you?"

    My answer was "I ****ing hate my life"

    So he figures it out, I'm extremely depressed. I get "removed" from school temporally to go to "Partial" Therapy. I also get put on Paxil.

    Partial was me going to the local hospital's therapy area, doing school work for around an hour, and then spending the rest of the day in a group talking about our problems. Once a week, individual therapy.

    I considered everything a huge joke, and everyone trying to help me was in it for the money.

    About two weeks into partial a new girl shows up. A girl named Dana. A girl who was "into" dealing with her problems through cutting herself. She was fresh out of an inpatient hospital stay.

    She was scared to go home at the end of the day, completely hysterical, because she knew when she left she would just hurt herself and end up back in the hospital.

    So being the absolute great guy that I am, I just say "How about I go with you, to make sure you don't?"


    "What was that?"


    "...Really? Wow! I wasn't expecting that"


    So I go to her house, just hold her while she's crying and nothing spectacular.

    But I fell in love with her. That day. Everything about her fit me.

    Around 10PM I called my mother to come and pick me up. She flipped because she had no idea where I was. But she was happy for me, for doing something right for once in my life.

    I continued going to her house for the next few days.

    On the 3rd day, I confessed that I loved her.

    "I feel.. the same way" was her reaction. So, now I have a real girlfriend. A real live girlfriend!

    Partial went on as normal until I was drug tested and came up positive for marijuana. Whoops. But I convinced everyone it was a one time experimentation and wouldn't happen again. Which was kind of true.

    About two weeks later I get drug tested again and came up positive for PCP. Which was a mistake and I never even meant to do it. It was in a cigar. Long story that's not relevant.

    Either way I got put into a drug rehab program as well as still being in partial. Yippie! I'm a drug addict now (even though I wasn't)

    Once again, I was surrounded by people whom I didn't fit in with.
    Although most of my memories of the rehab are a blur (Thanks Paxil!)
    I remember it being pretty crappy.

    Eventually the staff at partial deemed me ready to go back to school. A day signified by me wearing a white T-Shirt.

    They screwed up. Me going back to school lasted for about 2 weeks, and I got kicked out of all my classes again, and then kicked out of school.

    But every day I would walk to the Hospital (Like, 3 blocks away, at most, from the school) to see my Dana at partial. When she could, she'd walk with me home to my house, where we'd hang out and do whatever.

    When I was kicked out of school they put me on home schooling for the rest of the year. And god damn, that was awesome. 3 days a week, one hour a day, each day a different subject.

    Apparently I did so well in home schooling I actually passed for the year. Shocking.

    For Junior year I was transfered to an alternative school. A school for the mentally ill. I fit in perfect, since everyone else had way worse problems than I did.

    From constantly running away from home to kids who's parents beat the living crap out of them for no good reason. Me hating myself was pretty minor.

    During the summer between Junior year and Senior year I got a job at a gas station. Most of my memories of which are a blur. (Paxil) But I wound up with a broken nose one night (Which is crooked to this day), and eventually, planted a Mazda B4200 into a house. Which sucked, obviously. There's a thread on it. I've only recently gotten over it. In my eyes it put me in an even worse mental state than I was already in.

    So Senior year was my best and worst school year ever.

    I stopped doing classwork and instead took naps. Awesome naps. I had a teacher bet me that I couldn't sleep standing up. A bet that I won.

    During Junior year we had a room we could smoke in during 10 minute breaks, Senior year they removed that.

    So I became really good friends with the janitor, because he'd come to whatever class I was in and say he needed my help. So we'd do some stupid thing that he definitely didn't need me for, and he'd take me outside to smoke.

    Eventually I just started going out on my own. I nailed proper timing and never got in trouble for it, while a lot of copycats did.

    By the end of the year I was doing janitorial work for grades. I built a radio for Spanish class, a Bookshelf for English class, a telegraph for Math. Don't ask me how any of those relate to each other. I don't care, it helped me pass.

    I graduated (barely).

    Now it was time to face the real world. Without having solved any issues that I've had.

    In September 2005, as a graduation present, I was given something major. Something I will never forget.

    A Polo Green Metallic, 1997 Chevrolet Camaro Z28 M6. That I picked out myself.

    A car that I had 3 months before getting my license. So it sat in the driveway. Then I got my license in December and still didn't drive it because of my lack of courage due to the Mazda incident. Plus I couldn't drive stick.

    Me and my father went to the mall parking lot twice, to teach me stick, I just didn't really have the balls to drive on the street. But he called me "Impressive"

    One of my friends at the time just randomly showed up to my house in January and said "Help me move" I said "Alright.. how?" Threw me the keys to his car and said "You're driving"

    "What? Are you sure?"

    "Yes go start the car up idiot"

    The car wasn't just any old car. This car, was a 2006 Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution IX MR.

    The whole event was a turning point in my life. It was a do or die situation. Face my fear and drive a manual car, on the street.

    So hey what the hell, It's an Evo!

    I take it around the block, no cars around, it's fine I can slip the clutch as slow as I want.

    But after two stop sign turns, we have to merge on a highway. 90 degree turn to a 55mph or so constant speed.

    Very daunting, to me. So I slip the clutch turn and gun it.

    I must've blinked or something, because the next thing I know we're in the merging lane and bouncing off the limiter. So I shift to 4th, then 6th.

    I asked my friend "What the **** just happened?"

    He smiled and said "Turbo"

    Eventually after me driving around for around 3 hours we get to where we need to be. I realized then that I could drive stick. In an Evo.

    I still didn't have the balls to drive my own car. By myself.

    One day I let one of my other friends take my car out. And we go driving around and he... forces me, to drive my own car. Backward, up a hill, made out of gravel. To this day the hardest manual maneuver I had to pull. If I let the car roll too far forward there's trees. If I hit the gas too hard, disaster.

    So I try my hardest. And I nail it.

    That night when we got back to my house, I told him while he was leaving "I have a date tonight." and pointed to the car. Cheesy, yes. But true.

    So I took my car out for the first time on my own. To go.. and see my Dana.

    Over time, that car became my escape from my problems. That car became my link to sanity. That car, was a symbol, of how awesome everything is. Me and Dana slept in it, more than once. I raced anything and everything I came across, to get away from myself. I became so attached to it, because of how it made me feel.

    In June I decided to get a real job. A Job at UPS. Gas was too expensive and I really couldn't afford the car on $0 income. So I got the job really for the car.

    I started on June 5th..

    June 9th, on my way to work everything went to hell.

    It was raining, I spun, got stuck on train tracks.. yeah, you know the story. (There's a thread on it)

    But there's one thing I never admitted. There was one piece of the puzzle I intentionally left out. Because it hurt me. More than anything about what happened.

    It was entirely my fault. I turned off traction control, to attempt a 180. A move that I've done many times on dry roads.

    I failed. I failed myself, and I failed my car.

    I never told anyone. ANYONE. Until a month ago, I told Dana.

    So now one of my reasons to live, is gone. One of the two things that made me happy.

    Post Camaro wreck I began driving my mother's Pontiac Grand Am to work.

    First week of July, I wrecked it. Entirely my fault. Took a turn too fast and hit the brakes. Lift off/braking oversteer, spun it, hit a tree stump or something, and basically destroyed the front end.

    Remember that Firebird I was going to buy? Yeah, that'd be why I didn't buy it.

    I kept that story off GTP entirely, due to how much even further destroyed me. The last thing I needed were people telling me something I already knew:
    I couldn't drive for crap.

    Between then and a few months ago nothing interesting happened.

    I bought a Mustang recently, that's sitting in the garage because I have to pay for it. I've heard tons of speeches about how nothing can happen at all to it. It's something I already know, and something I fear. I just can't take it.

    (It'll be registered in like, a week)

    But now, I'm to the point where I'm going to lose the other source of happiness. My girlfriend of four years, is sick of my non-emotion. I spent 4 years being cold hearted and she compared me to a "brick wall"

    Whenever she would attempt to talk to me about something serious I would always say "I don't care" or whatever other short stupid response I could come up with. I kept all my emotions to myself.

    Three weeks ago, she said she was going to break up with me.

    Three weeks ago, I changed. I realized that I couldn't keep living the way I am. I can't keep holding my emotions back, until I get to the point of breakdown, like I always do.

    I've began being emotional, crying and whatnot. Doing whatever I can to "fix" myself, and our situation.

    From my own point of view I'm an entirely different person than I was. I cried over VT. Old me wouldn't have given two craps about it. It had no direct effect on me. But watching whatever news channel I had on, hearing the stories of those who died.. actually got me really upset.

    But it doesn't seem good enough for Dana. She's worried that if we're "officially" back together I'll just go back to how I was before. Which I don't believe at all, I've come so far.

    I don't know why the hell I'm still writing this. It's too long, it doesn't make sense, it doesn't "belong" on GTP. But you know what? I feel a lot better after writing it. I really do. So I'm going to post it. It's lacking a lot of details, so yeah. Don't expect it to explain everything.

    I'll throw in some numbers for good measure:

    Attempted Suicides to date: 9
    Planned Suicides: 50+
  2. G.T


    United Kingdom
    Interesting story... I knew you had been through a hard time, but not that hard. Now it makes sense why you were reluctant to drive the Camaro after everything you'd been through, and how emotionally attached you were to it. But at least you're slowly pulling through it all now - that's all that should matter.

    Personally, going into a mental hospital would depress me even further. I was offered to go once, due to the mess I was in with bullying at school, but I declined. I knew I had tried to commit suicide once, seeing other mentally ill people there as well would have made me realise how bad I was (I didn't think I was that bad), thus would make me even more depressed. In the end, everything worked out, with the home education, college and all. I'm glad to hear you found a year of home education awesome. :p

    Thinking about it, amazingly, when I first spoke to you a couple of years ago on MSN, I remember you making harsh/offensive comments to people often (including myself), but most of that has seems to have disappeared over the last 6 months/year. That's quite a move in itself right there. :tup:
  3. Specialized


    John, i commend you on the post. Having known somebody with depression i know it must have taken alot of balls to write all that and tell us all your story. With a bit of luck this thread you have started will act as an outlet for yourself and help you with problems you may face. As i know somebody who faced similar problems expressing such emotions and problems, admitting them and facing them can be a big step in the right direction to overcoming them.

    Obviously this thread wont solve the said problems but if it helps in anyway then im all for it.

    The same goes for what we discussd on msn too!

  4. Gen.


    Man I've know you been depressed for awhile but this time I know you're gonna take the right step and put this all behind you.

    If I am correct this is the first time you decided to tell GTP as a community, Which I see a big change because usually this is the last place you'd be spilling your guts to. I'd be a mate and stick with you but you know. Internets and all.
  5. Pupik

    Pupik Staff Emeritus

    United States
    Wow, John...some of us non-MSN people didn't really know you, now we do. You've got some courage to say all this.

    I know this statement isn't going to be of much consolation: I can't promise that life gets any easier as you get older, but at least you start to figure it out. Of course, you only figure it after making a fool and failure of yourself at least a hundred or two hundred times.

    That's life, there isn't much alternative. But it's a beautiful thing every so often.
  6. Turbo Lag

    Turbo Lag Premium

    I never knew you but i understand your past. Ive often seen people adding you to conversations on MSN but you never seem to say anything :odd: Ive never known or seen someone with depression but we were talking about it at school today and it does seem like a hard thing to go through.
  7. TheCracker

    TheCracker Premium

    South Korea
    Depression is a hell of a thing to live with, especially since practically no one, who hasn't actually had to live with it, can really understand how all encompassing it can be.

    It does seem as if most of your problems are now thankfully behind you and you look to be much more positive too. :tup:

    If you really want to get back with this girl Dana i suggest you try to stay as a good friend to her and let her see how the new, emotional, you has changed for the better.
  8. -Fred-

    -Fred- Staff Emeritus

    I've been an MSN people for nearly 4 years now, and even I didn't know about most of what I've just read...

    I... I'm sorry, John. I feel so bad, reading what you wrote, and thinking back to all the times I've picked on you regarding things you did, said or whatever. Man, I'm such a jerk, I don't even understand how you can still talk to me...
  9. Race Idiot

    Race Idiot (Banned)


    Edited by mod. I think 4 of those is more then enough. :D

  10. SRV2LOW4ME

    SRV2LOW4ME Premium

    That took balls man, and i'm glad it felt good to let it all out. Does it deserve to be on GTP? Why not. Everyone has a story, and everyone deserves to be heard atleast once in their life. I've been where you were, only my road was much different, but the scenery was all the same. I wish you luck man, and whatever happens, keep posting. Don't let that username fall silent.
  11. Max Powers

    Max Powers (Banned)

    Well getting things off your chest is a great place to start, and its definitely a big step in the right direction if you can make such an honest, heartfelt post after having problems letting things out before. It sounds like you're doing the right things to help yourself.
  12. Matt R

    Matt R

    United States
    John, I totally remember the whole trench coat bit. I actually recall you showing me a picture of it a few years ago. I assume that whipping people in SOF2 helped you escape from your not so fun times at school?

    Ballsy to post all of what you've said. I congratulate you on your courage though. You did used to be a prick a lot, but maybe it was a defense mechanism or something. You're a lot different now. I'm glad you're taking things in a new and better feeling rejection.

    Now, if you cry in Finding Nemo, you've found your sensitive side.
  13. OZZYGT

    OZZYGT Premium

    United States
    It takes a lot to say that brother :tup:. After the conversation that we had, I don't have a lot to say (although of course I understand you A LOT more now), but like Fred said, I do feel kinda ****y after the times that I've made fun of you and said stupid things.

    And Brett where the hell where you?
  14. Gen.


  15. MistaX

    MistaX Premium

    United States
    Since I feel this thread is going well, which I definitely wasn't sure of when I first wrote the post, I'll expand a few points further.

    Me and Dana:

    We've been there for each other in the absolute lowest of the lowest. I helped her fix her problems. She is part of me. and I am part of her.

    Neither of us can live without each other, and we both admit that.

    She has said (more than once, and as recently as, oh, 3 days ago) that if I were to kill myself, she would follow.

    Me changing is entirely based on her. She is my reason. She is my only reason to live, right now. (I know, it's not true, argue with that all you want)

    Our relationship is not normal, by any means. It's more than love. It's obsession, and addiction. Without her I can safely say I wouldn't be here today. But on the other hand due to her I might not be here tomorrow. You know?

    I cannot stand the thought of losing her, over anything. It being over my problems, is even worse. Because I can just turn it around and depress myself because after all, it IS my fault.

    I know she still loves me more than anything. I'm not worried about that.

    And I know things are going to work out, with time. Which is my problem.

    I keep running out of patience. She's driving me nuts.

    For those of you who are apologizing.. Don't worry about it. It's not your fault. Seriously.

    And strictly because I think it'll make me feel better, I'm going to explain the 9 suicide attempts. Maybe it'll shed some light on how seriously screwed up I was/am:

    Two separate attempts at hanging.
    Two attempts of slitting my wrists.
    One overdose on Advil. (I took 50. Not sure how I lived through that without going to the hospital)
    One attempt at suffocation via garbage bag.
    Drank rubbing alcohol mixed with Soda.
    Electrocution via wall socket/cut wire

    And those are the ones I can remember off the top of my head. Still one short.

    Oh, by the way...

    Thanks everyone, for your support. It means a lot to me. It really does.
  16. Casio

    Casio Premium

    Personally, the relationship you described between yourself and Dana was significantly more powerful then everything else you said.

    It's quite inspirational that you clearly would do anything for each other, without hesitation, and at such a young age. :tup:
  17. skip0110


    United States
    It must feel pretty good to be able to share that stuff with people.

    I can relate to more of that story than you probably expect, either through my own experiences or through those of friends, so know you're not alone.

    Thats simply bull****, if you want to know the limits of your car you need to explore them, and if you explore them you are bound to exceed them once or twice. After that it is just a matter of luck.
  18. Touring Mars

    Touring Mars Moderator

    United Kingdom
    MistaX, yours is an interesting, sad and slightly disjointed story - the fact that you feel comfortable sharing it with us makes it the right place for it, if you ask me.... :tup:

    Treating your mates as mates is about as natural and helpful thing you can do. Mates slag each other off, mates take the piss, have fights now and then, don't always agree or even have much in common with each other sometimes. Maybe you are a jerk, but the fact that MistaX is still talking to you clearly means he likes (or can atleast accommodate) 'jerks' like you. At the very least, people should respect each other for being themselves rather than trying to be someone they're not.

    Similarly, I know you won't, but don't expect everyone to be nice to you from now on, John, just because you've told us about your depression... because just imagine how badly that would suck... :crazy:
  19. G.T


    United Kingdom
    Are you trying to overheat John's already exceedingly hot OCed CPU?
  20. Omnis

    Omnis Staff Emeritus

    United States
    I will post my story when I start a professional career.
    bellybox likes this.
  21. opendriver


    I dont know if this is helping the situation, but, I HAVE done that before out of curiosity and it hurt like hell, but didnt kill myself.

    Amazing story, you should consider publishing it.

    I dont know if I could explain my life story to you guys...

    to long...
  22. skip0110


    United States
    I accidentally arced 1500 volts through my foot once (I made a bank of 20-30 capacitors) and I'm still here to tell about it. It hurt my leg all the way up the knee for about 2 days.
  23. sn00pie

    sn00pie Staff Emeritus

    Relevant comics to the story: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8.

    John we all care about you. :tup:
  24. Keef

    Keef Premium

    United States
    John, that's pretty badass that you have yourself a relationship with a girl like you do. And it just happened like that, eh? I wouldn't call myself depressed but can sure get to feeling damn lonely every now and then. And this girl I've been talking about lately, well, she's not really helping.

    But I guess since I can take a joke about being a virgin, you can take a joke about your lack of car insurance. I mean, you freaking make like $10 an hour!

    You have a girl, I have a (second) car. We're even. But the only problem with cars is that they can't last a lifetime. Obviously.
  25. DuckRacer

    DuckRacer Premium

    Wow, John... I knew you were troubled, but not to this extreme...

    All I know is that it took a boatload of courage to post something like this. You're definitely going in the right direction.
  26. OZZYGT

    OZZYGT Premium

    United States
  27. Omnis

    Omnis Staff Emeritus

    United States
    And women do? Half of the time, they don't, unless you consider your life to be over as soon as she becomes your girlfriend. :lol:
  28. OZZYGT

    OZZYGT Premium

    United States
    Wow, Keef getting schooled by another virgin. Classic.
  29. Keef

    Keef Premium

    United States
    WTF? I was trying to give John the strength to stay alive long enough to catch our latest PM string.
  30. Diego440

    Diego440 Premium

    Well John, it's pretty commendable that you said it all. I frankly never thought you would.

    You know I help whenever I can, so I'll just see you on msn.