The "What if" Scenario is what I'm trying to avoid with this other girl
... Which is the same girl I'm talking about on post 1 of the other thread... girl which I met about 7 months after this ended...
We've been very open to each other recently... we do like and love each other... but there are 2 gigantic problems: 1) for some reason...
she is scared of compromising... and 2) she continiously denies me a date... last time I saw her was in July...
we talk on phone, we text... Things have improved a lot ever since... but man, I need to see her...
...And all of that is starting to break my patience... I don't know what else to do, I've given her time, space...
Only God and her know...
Aww, good luck man!
Back in my old school, I thought I was it, the 'bomb' I was pretty popular, wasn't scared of no-one, had friends in high places, could make all the girls laugh, I could get away with murder in lesson. But a new girl came in, ha, I thought she would just be another 'girl.' Ohhhh. Mahhh. Goodnessss. She has really long brown hair, dark eyes and olive skin. I just stopped and looked at her. She had a beatiful smile, even though it was nervous. All the girls in my year thought whatever I said goes. And it did. The new girl was on her own, and the 'popular' girls were like "OMG, Lucas (Me.) I mean, just look at her, wow, ewww." Now I took a risk, and said. "Well I think she's beautiful." bearing in mind i haven't even spoken to her. So, all my 'friends' could've just laughed and I felt embaressed. But no, all the girls changed their tune, they all dyed their hair brown, and asked her what lip-stick she was wearing, it was pretty fun to watch all these desperate girls.
She was at the top of the food chain, like me. After a month I started talking to her, she had the greatest personality, ever. We finished each others sentences and cheesy stuff like that. I was madly in love with her, and she was with me. But we didn't 'go out.' but everyone thought we were. We were extremely close, she was like my sister, I talked to her about everything, even embaressing things. We would have pet names, and have play fights. It was all so great! I was so happy! Then she went out one day, with a couple of her friends, and a boy. That boy happened to apparently fancy her. He sent her all these messages, saying how beautiful she was. I tried to tell her my feelings, but I just couldn't. That's when my first fight happened. I was walking to drama class, just after lunch. I hadn't finished my pasta yet. And I saw him kissing her in the corner of the corridor. My friends wisely said "Yeah, Lucas, lets go the other way." They were the only ones that knew my true feelings for her. I pulled off from them and walked straight up to him, he was about 1ft taller than me, but at that point I didn't give two $%&@$, I demanded an explanation, all I got was "Oh yeah mate, she's my girl now." I threw whatever I had in my hand at him (which was pasta.) it went all over him, the girl I loved giggled. The big ape replied with "You wanna do that again you little prick?" I laughed, and turned round, as quite a crowd had gathered, while saying "Has anyone got anymore pasta?" They all laughed, I was being clever. That was the first time I had ever been knocked out. I woke up in the hospital bed with the girl there, she smiled and kissed me on the cheek, it didn't mean anything, but because of him what we had was destroyed. I hated him.
That's when I turned to self-harm. I watched them day-in-day-out at school, I was becoming obsessed. I was vacant at school, people were talking to me, I just nodded, I hardly spoke to her, or anyone for that matter. I just sat there. I hated life, and everything in it. She chose me over him? That question is what i asked myself for a whole year.
They eventually broke up, but i was also broken, I was still vacant. She came up to me, crying. "Why can't all men be like you? You never let me down! We had something special, I love you." we both sat there crying at our new found love, I was happy again, and back to my cocky self, the only thing she didn't like is the fact that I flirted with everyone, and this caused a few arguments to say the least. I didn't mean anything by it, it just was me being friendly.
But I didn't care. I loved her. Nothing compared to her.
I was stood at the bus stop, waiting for the X10 bus (I remember this like it was yesterday.) there she was. Doing that beautiful smile she gave me when we first met. She was stood across the road, waiting for a gap. She text me, "I love you." It said. I smiled. She stepped out from across the road. Bam. She layed there blood coming from her nose. Perfectly still. Everyone panicked. I just looked at her. She was obviously dead. In all the confusion, I just started laughing. I couldn't control it, I didn't want to laugh, she was my first love! I looked back, she looked so innocent... I was convinced that it was my fault, that I had killed her.
Back to self harm I went. I could actually feel the pain in my heart. It killed, suicidal thoughts were now coming into the equation. The girl that made life worth living was now dead? What is life? I smuggled alchohol from the basement, Gin was my favourite. Drank a whole bottle in a night, that's not good when your only 14. Into hospital I went. And again, and again, and again. One of he times I was pronounced clinically dead. I hasmd tutors, mentors, you name it. I was going insane, seeing the same memory of her being hit by that white Ford Transit. I cried my self to sleep for a year. Hell, I didn't go out of my room for about a month either.
Slowly and surely I came off the drink and, the mentors did help, they should have done, I had about 6. I still live her, even though I'm in a relationship now, I'd do anything to see her again. Just as life was getting better, she died.
I haven't spoke about this to anyone but my family, I feel as though it's time to move on, and get it all out of my system. What better way is there to share it, than with a group of people that actually want to listen?
Even though I may post happy smiley comments, I'm still deeply hurt and scarred inside. I just try not to show it.
If you only listen to one bit, listen to this, don't ever, ever hide away your feelings away from the ones you love. Because as my life has shown, it doesn't always work out as you intended, and I still, to this day believe I could've saved her, if I had have just told her that I loved her at the start.
Thanks for listening people of GTPlanet, I know its not the happiest of posts, but I've put this up for everyone elses sake, as much as mine, and I hope you all can take away at least one thing from this.
I felt like posting this as this is the anniversary of her death.
R.I.P, I love you.
... she is still the most beautiful girl I've ever seen...
). In return, she gave me something no other girl (including my current potencial GF) has ever given to me... and no, we are not talking about my first kiss...
(For 1st kiss see 1st post of that thread
)
)... and yes... for a brief moment... dead seemed to be the only way to go... 
will join me in expressing my deepest sympathy and best wishes.
)
