So... another Valentines day has passed... and it's been almost 7 months since the last time I saw my love interest...
...snip...
It's going to get ugly tonight...
I'm a little late to the party, but I'll throw my two cents in here because I think I have something to offer when it comes to women and relationships. I learned much of this from a mentor when I was in University and it has served me well over the years. A lot of it is generalized and brief, I could really write a book on this, but it should give you an idea or two.
Women are either initially attracted to you physically or they are not, same as you. They aren't different, no matter what anyone tells you. Within a few minutes, they've sized you up, you've sized them up, and they've already decided whether they'd like to talk to you and sometimes whether to date you or not, without saying a word to them.
So when you do get to talk to them, you can only mess it up by not being cool about it, about who you are, about them etc. If you act too eager, act weird in some way, make inappropriate jokes or comments, whatever the case may be, you can sabotage yourself. If her initial attraction to you is very strong, even at this early point, sometimes you can't screw it up, no matter how lame you are. But assuming you still have some work to do, if you are cool, not too eager, be funny and make jokes and casual conversation like it's no big deal, they usually appreciate that and it will confirm their initial assessment of you.
Most guys are their own worst enemy at this stage. They are too eager, they talk about love and dating and how beautiful she is, are overly complimentary, overly pleasing, spineless in admiration etc. etc. etc. Yes, you can pour it on too thick sometimes. Women are people too, they want to talk about other stuff other than how beautiful they are. Talk to her about anything, news stories, music, movies, the weather, her weekend, your weekend whatever...just don't go on about how beautiful she is, her clothing, her new earrings, her shoes etc. It gets creepy and she already knows what she looks like. It works for George Clooney and Brad Pitt and you're not them and neither am I.
You have to learn how to have casual conversations with women in order to be successful with them in terms of getting that initial date. Yes, some guys, like some girls, are just so good looking or wealthy or whatever the case may be, that they could be as dumb as a box of rocks and it won't matter. But most of us have to work at it, and there's no better way to make a woman comfortable than to have casual conversation. You must be able to talk about a wide range of subjects and let her lead the way most of the time, but not all the time. Women really like it when you are passionate about things, even things they themselves may not like, just so long as it isn't creepy like having a passion for trolling for porn on the net or sampling local massage parlours. Being passionate about cars, about auto racing, about building things, about working with your hands, about animals, about volunteer work, about working out...etc...all good things. She may not like them herself, but she likes to see passion in you.
Perhaps most important of all, you have to be able to make them laugh. As a basic necessity look up and memorize jokes to begin with, but a quick wit is an invaluable asset with women. Don't be mean about anything though. With your buddies you can make fun of other people's weaknesses or quirks but not yet with your potential date, unless she leads the way of course. If you can make a woman laugh, you are halfway home every single time.
This stuff applies to women you meet in the real world of course, not at a bar. Bars are a little different. But assuming you've met her in the real world, you've talked to her, you've made he laugh, she smiles when you are around, now what? Well you ask her out.
Traditionally you ask women out for dinner or coffee or lunch or something like that and that can still work. I think most women know by now that's a precursor to dating. Essentially, in their minds they are saying, "He wants to eat with me once or twice then have sex with me, am I ready for that"? It's a big decision and a lot of pressure. So if they say no, they are basically saying either, "
I don't want to date you" or "
You haven't done enough to get me to date you yet". Either way you are on the shelf for now. Move down to
Plan B.
An approach with a lot less pressure is often more successful. If you can get to know what some of her interests are, sk her to do an activity with you along those lines. She's artistic so maybe you can ask her to a local Art Gallery or locally here in the summer we have something called "
Art in the Park". Maybe she has a passion for clothing or shopping or something like that and you have a little sister you need to buy something for, a perfect in for you. Maybe she really likes animals so you tell her you'd like to volunteer at the local Humane Society and they asked you to bring a buddy and you thought of her.
How you ask her is important too. Be cool about it. You might say, "
Hey Sarah, I know you're really into Art and there's a _____ exhibit at the _____Gallery. Would you be interested in giving me a guided tour. I stopped progressing at finger painting but I'd really like to learn about this stuff".
But don't say, "
Hey Sarah, I know you like Art. Would you like to go to the Art Gallery and then have dinner with me?". That's more of a high pressure approach.
Of course if you do get her to go to the gallery you will ask her to have a drink or a coffee after but in a cool way. Don't say, "
Would you like to have dinner with me?" instead say, "
Wow I'm starving Sarah, there's a cool little Bistro around the corner with a great little menu, would you like to get something to eat?"
The first one is basically saying, "
sleep with me in three dates" the second one says, "
I'm hungry, let's eat", completely different. The goal is always the same. Get as much time as her, as pressure free as possible, to impress all your wonderfulness on her so she can't resist you or your charms.
Or maybe, "
Hey Megan, remember my little sister Kayla? It's her 16th birthday and I was thinking of getting her a ______. You're about the most coordinated woman I know, would you mind helping me for a half hour to pick something out for her? You can see from the way I dress I'm fashion challenged"
But not, "Hey Megan, remember my little sister Kayla? It's her 16th birthday and I was thinking of getting her a ______. You're about the most coordinated woman I know, would you mind helping me for a half hour to pick something out for her? Then maybe we can go to dinner afterwards"
First approach says, "
hey I can't dress myself (poking fun at yourself is usually good), you're great at dressing, let's go shopping, not on a date"
Second approach says, "
The shopping is just an excuse to go to dinner, then he's going to expect me to sleep with him in , do I want to do that"
And once again, after the shopping is over, you say, "
Wow I'm starving, I can almost taste a Capri Pizza right now, let's get something to eat., I'll hold the anchovies just for you"
Regardless of the approach, your goal is not to get a "
date" with her, just to get her alone, so you can impress her with your wit, and charm and style, and humour and decency and integrity and everything else that you are. Going to a park or Art Gallery or Mall or Dog Pound or anything along those lines puts you in a neutral setting, devoid of the whole "
date" pressure situation. Both of you are more at ease, you're doing physical stuff so there's less mental tension and more activity to build upon. All you want is a chance to show her how much fun it could be hanging out with you, not to get her alone and burn some candles and fall in love over a single dinner. That stuff happens in movies, not real life, and although there's a time and place for it, it's not usually on the first date.
Plan B
So let's say you've done your best and it didn't work. She turned you down flat or himmed and hawed whatever the case may be. Looks like your ship has sunk before you leave port. Or has it? On to Plan B!!!
Everything above is like the Blitzkrieg, the fast strike. You meet, you make an impression, you go for the date or get together but it didn't work. Plan B is the siege. Plan B is the long term strategy that sometimes works and sometimes doesn't, but curiously, often leads to long term friendships with women.
For Plan B to work, you have to stop asking her out and never bring it up again. You have to give the appearance that you did your best, she said no, it's no big deal, life goes on, but we still see each other and I am totally cool with that, look at how perfectly cool I am even though you turned me down.
Plan B involves being a part of her life, showing her how super cool you are, how funny you are, how smart you are, how much you have going on in your life, how interested you are in stuff she says and does. It's the wearing down of the resistance through being the "
normal" guy in her life when every other guy in her life is a complete tool which we usually are. If she finds someone else and he's a great guy your goose is cooked of course, but if the door is still open this can be an effective long term strategy.
Where most guys fail here is they fall into the wrong side of the "
friend" zone. See there are two types of friends that women have. Those they would date or sleep with under the right circumstances and those that they won't...aka The Platonic Zone. You want to be in the former and not the latter, unless you're gay...but even then...
So how do you get to be in the "
sleep with" category? Basically you continue to do all the same stuff you do when you are trying to get her interested in you in the beginning. Be funny, be charming, be witty, be smart, know stuff, remember stuff, listen to her, be busy, have an interesting life, do stuff, have passion in things etc. etc. etc.
But and this is a big BUT, and believe me I know it sounds counter intuitive, but you can't be over eager, you can't be too available, you have to be a bit of a bad ass or a jerk off sometimes. If you become a trusted part of her inner circle this way, you can't always be available, you have to be busy sometimes, often in fact. If you are always there when she texts or calls you go into the Platonic Zone. She already gets all the comfort, all the advice, all the availability from you without having to sleep with you. Why buy bread at the grocery store when it shows up at the door every time you even wish for it?
So
sometimes when she calls, you answer the phone...and after a minute or two you notice she just wants to chat, you say, "
Sorry Chelsea, you know I'd love to chat, but me and the fellas are just going into a hockey game, how about I text you later and maybe we can talk then?" ...even if you're sitting at home twiddling your thumbs. Then she'll call the next guy in the Platonic Zone, waste his time for hours and you're the cool guy because you have a busy life, and he doesn't. She'll view you as a man and the other guy more like a "
girlfriend". The second you leave the "
man" zone, you're toast, believe me, I've tried it...lol.
The cool thing about the siege is, all the pressure is off you now, you just have to be yourself, no pressure of dates or anything like that, and you can say stuff you wouldn't dare say if you were trying to date her. You can make dirtier jokes, you can call her drunk and say dumb stuff, you can make fun of her boyfriend. You can make sexual innuendoes once in a while to show her you still want her, but you're still cool about it and not all creepy. You can get away with saying almost anything so long as you laugh about it and she knows it's a joke.
Anyway, that's enough for now. This stuff works, it's worked for me and lots of guys I know. I'm sure someone's written a book about this stuff and if it sounds anything like this, take it to heart!!
Good luck.
, spent an hour talking about random stuff and walked her home... its -15 F I froze my arse off but it went well and she liked me to begin with so thats excellent
. I personally dislike it and I'm just trying to put some words together to tell her that it's not what I'm into. What should I do? How should I tell her, mainly?
I just hope things don't get messy in case they learn of each other. I'm technically not in a relationship with either girl (yet), but from my experience, technicalities aren't really what women concern themselves with 
