The Simpsons Quotes

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Homer: "Did you know the internet's on a computer now?"

Not a quote..."Nuts and Gum -- together at last"
 
Chief Wiggam: "Did you have a dream where a little girl was talking funny and holding a burning playing card?"
Other Policeman: "I'll drive."
 
Homer: I can't take his money, I can't print my own money, I have to work for money. Why don't I just lay down and die....and
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Ralph Wiggam:Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers! also...And, when the doctor said I didn't have worms any more, that was the happiest day of my life :lol:

Bart...What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he's trying to jump over, but he can't quite make it. :lol:
 
film critic: i cant think of anything so not inhumanic as a man getting hit in the groin by a football
(filmcritic is hit by a football in the groin and keels over holding his crotch)
Nelson's voice:Ha Ha!!!!

man that gets me in hysterics every time!!!!
 
Jimmy: I have a crazy friend who says its wrong to eat meat. Is he crazy?

Troy: Nooo, just ignorant. You see your crazy friend never heard of "The Food Chain". Just ask this scientician.

Scientician: [Looking up from a microscope.] Uhhh...

Troy: He'll tell you that, in nature, one creature invariably eats another creature to survive. Don't kid yourself Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about!


Jimmy: Wow, Mr. McClure. I was a grade A moron to ever question eating meat.

Troy: Yes you were Jimmy, yes you were.






Homer: Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute. Lisa honey,
are you saying you're *never* going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?

Lisa: No.

Homer: Ham?

Lisa: No.

Homer: Pork chops?

Lisa: Dad! Those all come from the same animal!

Homer: Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.
 
Homer: Jazz is simple. you can make it up easy like this: Deee-De De De De De De, De De De, De De De
Marge: That's Mary had a Little Lamb.
Homer: Oh Ok(does same tune this time with Doos)
Marge: That's the same thing, you just replaced dees with doos.
Homer: D'oh!!!!
 
Originally posted by pupik
Chief Wiggam: "Did you have a dream where a little girl was talking funny and holding a burning playing card?"
Other Policeman: "I'll drive."

I love that scene!

Someone mentioned a funny Simpsons product above - the best one I've seen in a Matt Groening show was in Futurama, for dog food:

Soylent Chow - It's a Dog Eat Dog World

Mmmm....I feel an avatar coming on....
 
Originally posted by millencolin
homer talking to his brain to try and work on bart soap box racer

homer- "whatever you want to do, you always ask the opposite. What does that mean?"
brain-"it means you use reverse psychology!"
Homer- "that sounds complicated"
brain- "fine then dont do it"
Homer- "ALLRIGHT I WILL"


That episode was on last night


Ralph to Lisa (Valentines day) The doctor said I wouldnt have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger out of there



and later

Krusty: ...is this your girlfriend ;)?
Ralph: Yes, I love Lisa Simpson and when i grow up I'm gonna marry her
 
Marge-The plant called in today and said if your not comming to work tommrow, Don't bother comming in monday.

Homer- WHOO-HOO! 4 day weekend!




Troy Mcluer- Hi im Troy Mcleur, and ill leave you with what we have all came here to see....HARDCORE NUDITY!!!




Homer- Moe, I need your advice

Moe-Yeah.

Homer- See, I got this friend named Joey Jo-Jo...Junior...Shabadoo?


Moe- Thats the worst name ive ever heard.

(Man crying and leaving the bar)

Barney- Hey! Joey Jo-Jo!!


Probably the best quotes. Ever.
 
Is there an...


I.P Freely?

AmanTo Hugandkiss?

Al cholic?

Jock Strap?

Huge ass?

Seemore Butts?

HomerSexual?

MyCrotch?

Ivonna Tinkle?

Im a stupid moron With an ugly face, And a big butt, And my butt smells and...I like to kiss my own butt.
 
my favorite one is the one where their gonna move the isotopes to albequerque and homer goes on the hunger strike

Homer: (lifts breast up) Im down to a B cup

other ones

Homer: must kill moe. weeeeeeeeeee

Bart: I have to go to the bathroom
Homer: Just go in the jar
Marge: NO!! take him to the bathroom
Homer: Fine i dont even know why we have a jar then

Lisa: Do you wanna see my science project dad
Homer: No but i sure dont wanna eat this crappy breakfast

(bart is wearing a wire trying to bust fat tony)
Wiggum: is that you fat tony

Homer: some fuel for me mule. some gas for me ass

Ralph: Thats my sandbox im not allowed in the deep end. Thats the rock where i met the leprechaun(sp?) he told me to burn things.

Homer: just try and grav some fat
All: heres some. got some here. how about here.

Duffman: Duffman can never die only the actor who portrays him.
Duffman: Duffman cant breathe oh no
Duffman: Duffman is thrusting in the direction of the problem
Duffman: Duffman says alot of thigns
Duffman: Thats a mug you dont wanna chug



thats all for now im sure ill think of many many more soon.
 
all right these are all homer


"Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of
useful things like...love!"


"Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life,
everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal:

You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If
that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I
present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them
for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done."

"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15
bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy."

"It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but
somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day."

"Ha ha! Look at this country! ? U R Gay!? Ha ha!"
(looking at Uruguay on the globe).

"Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?"

"Now go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do, someday,
you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for
generations: You may outsmart someone!"

"You know Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me.
She said, `Homer, you're a big disappointment', and God bless her soul,
she was really onto something."

"Trying is the first step towards failure."
 
www.snpp.com is a good site. Scripts to lots of episodes.

Posted thses in another topic

Homer: Hey, look -- it's Elton John!
Elton: [getting off jet, and talking on cell phone] We had to make
an emergency landing. It's that damn chandelier again.
[technicians on the plane try to repair the chandelier, which
is throwing sparks]
Wiggum: What's he doing in Springfield?
Moe: I got it, I got it. Apu must've hired him to sing for
Manjula.
Homer: Not if I can help it. And help it, I might!
[the men approach Mr. John]
Mr. John, I'm your biggest fan. I tape-recorded all your
songs off the radio.

Ned: Aw, gee, the man's just trying to show his wife he cares for
her. How can we sabotage his labor of love?
Homer: I dunno. Gasoline, acid, I got some stuff in the trunk.

Moe: Aw, man, he's making us look like a bunch of cheapskates.
[looks down, and notices a rope that he has pressed into
service as a belt is untied] Whoa, whoa, my rope came loose.
[reties rope]

Homer: Donut?
Lisa: No, thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: [offers some of the donut he's eating] This has purple stuff
inside. Purple is a fruit.

Homer: [pushing "Play"] Hmm, we didn't have a message when we left.
How very odd.
Machine: [singing] Hello, Muddah, hello, Faddah. Here I am at Camp
Granada.
Homer: Marge, is Lisa at Camp Granada?
Bart: [chuckles, holding real answering machine tape] Now to put this
tape where no one will ever listen to it.
[puts it in an Allan Sherman case]
 
Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible!
 
One of the Hallowe'en episodes, Tree House of Horror, Lisa picks up abook which might be Edgar Allen Poe's The Murders of the Rue Morgue.

Bart: Lisa! That's a school book.
Lisa: Don't worry, you're not going to learn anything.
 
Moe: Moe's Tavern
Bart: Yeah im looking for Hugankiss, first name Amanda.
Moe: Hold on lemme check:
Phone call for Amanda Hugankiss. Hey everybody im lookin for Amanda Hugankiss
(everyone in bar laughs!!!)

Moe: Moe's Tavern
Bart: Yeah im looking for Freely, first initials I.P.
Hold on lemme check:
Hey is there an I.P. Freely in here? Hey everybody, I.P. Freely!!!
(everyone laughs!!!!)
 
Originally posted by Viper Zero
Duff Man: Duff Man can't breathe... oh no... oh yeah!

Haha Then hes humping the air.:lol:



Ralph: My knob tastes funny.

Person: Please refrain from Tasting the knob!


Ralph: I cant use sissors...

(children laughing)

Ms. Hoover- These children have a right to laugh at you ralph, these sissors can't even cut butter.
 
Lionel Hutz: Uh oh, Judge Snyder.

Marge: Is that bad?

Lionel Hutz: Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.

Marge: You did?

Lionel Hutz: Well, replace the word kinda with repeatedly, and dog with son.
 
Originally posted by Viper Zero
Duff Man: Duff Man can't breathe... oh no... oh yeah!

Duff man cracks me up so much. Oh yeah! :D
Also when there's one episode where at the end Armaggedon is happening and the 4 horsemen of the Apocalipse are riding through the sky.

Marge: "Oh no! It's the apocalipse! Bart are you wearing clean underwear?"
Bart: "Not anymore." :sick:

:lol: That ep was pretty weird but had some great lines in it.
 
Homer: well gotta go to work
Brain: little do they know im skipping out early to go on the duff brewery tour
Homer: roll in at 9, punch out at 5, thats the plan.
Brain: he he he suckers
Homer: then to the duff brewery
Brain: oh no. did i say that or did i just think that?
Marge: homer are you going to the duff brewery?
Homer: AHHHHHHH!!!!
(runs out of house and drives off!!!)
 
Sideshow Bob: I’m in for attemped murder. Honestly, what is that? To they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?
 
Chief Wiggum walks in to a porno theater,
Krusty is in front of him.
Krusty:This isnt a bust is it chief wiggum?
Chief Wiggum: Uh, yes, a bust. Thats exactly what it is.
Lisa: That story isnt appropirate for children!
Chief Wiggum: Really? I keep my pants on in this version!
Lisa: Erk!

Otto: My name is otto! I like to get Blotto!
 
Ralph: Hi, supernintendo chalmers!



Skinner: Otto, I need you get me some gas, Heres the "credit card"
**hands over syphon**

Otto: Oh boy...

Skinner: Heres a mint for afterwards!
 
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