-McClarenDesign's-
Very Serious SLS AMG Review of the Car of the Week N Stuff
"What is your name? What is your quest? What is the name of the man who oversaw the initial design, first-build and further development of the 1992 Minardi M192 Formula One Gran Prix car?"- Steve Matchett
Week 24: 1964 Ginetta G4
This is it, we've hit rock bottom. Our drunken debauchery and automotive orgy is almost at its end. Tomorrow, we'll use up the last remaining drops of petrol in the tank, and still be about 15 miles from Heathrow airport. Once we're at the airport, we'll still have another 17 hours for the trip back over the pond, and 3 more agonizing miles to our respective cars. Whoever said that "getting there is half the fun" should be shot.
You may remember that last week we flew all the way out to the United Kingdom to test the
Mini 13.i. You might even remember the two hoodlums we'd hired to assist us with overcoming local obstacles. However, what you haven't heard was the outcome of that fateful night. While you were comfy watching us on the telly, we were busy being poked, prodded, and interrogated by every acronym in Europe.
Interpol started to sound like the name of the porno we'd star in while being raped in prison. I thought MI5 was some sort of BMW, but it turns out that it's a form of British Intelligence, which isn't saying much if they think we're actually involved in any sort of organized crime. It's not that we're against crime, but rather that we're terribly unorganized. Any kingpin stupid enough to trust us deserves the complications that are sure to ensue.
Once the Fuzz was done with us, it was our accountants turn. Changing our flights at the last minute had accrued extra fines, and these fines had put an already exacerbated budget into
Kirstie Alley proportions. After cutting their own checks, we were advised that as of
that moment, we were flat broke.
Desperate times called for desperate measures, and in times of financial duress, we did what every red-blooded American team would do in a foreign land... we freaked the
(expletive) out! Pooling our collective money would secure shelter for the remaining week, when we could finally catch a flight back, but after that then what? What about meals? Expenses? What about our jobs?
Thankfully, good fortune smiled upon us, and our producer was able to convince our sponsors to give us another go. They'd wire an absolute minimal amount of funding to keep us from becoming
Oliver, and they'd also agreed to cover the cost of transporting the car for our review,
but sacrifices would have to be made in order to keep costs down. One penny, one pence, one Credit over budget, and we'd be sacked and the review canned.
So... no pressure.
At the crack of dawn the next morning, box after box and crate after crate began arriving at our modest hotel. I say hotel, but it was actually a room. That's
a room...
singular. Upon opening our first box, it became clear what we'd be testing, and the attached note reminded us that all expenses had to be kept to a minimum, so we'd be on our own for construction.
Rather than bemoan the fact that our sponsors and accountants had left my professional fate in the hands of ham-fisted, illiterate monkeys, I took solace with how the crew reacted to the challenge. They didn't scratch their heads and start arguing like they do before every other task, but instead tore into each box like a
kid getting a Nintendo for Christmas.
Since my professional career was on the line, I began sorting through all the parts in a manner that would make a man with OCD on meth look normal. Every part has it's place, and each piece must be accounted for in an orderly fashion, and with the alacrity required to meet our deadline. Each part must be inspected, to ensure no manufacturing flaws or damage, then it must be assembled and tightened to spec. Anything less isn't driving, it's accelerating parts.
The only things missing were time... and parts checklist.
According to Polyphony Digital via Translator-san:
Translator-san
In 1957, the Walklett brothers of England stuck a tubular frame of their own design to a Ford engine and transmission, and then marketed their creation as a complete car and in kit form. This was the beginning of the Ginetta, and the car represented here was called the G2.
Um, Translator-san... far be it for me to intrude, but I thought we ordered the G4, not the G2.
Translator-san
Look, I'm just reading what it says on the box. Some things say G2, some say G4, I think there's a
G6 in there somewhere, but I could be wrong.
Okay well what else can you, or in this case the box, tell us?
Translator-san
The G2 was an immediate hit, and the company soon developed many enthusiastic fans as a first-rate specialty sports car maker.
The basic principle behind the G4, released in 1961, was simple: attach an FRP (Fiberglass Reinforced Plastic) body to a tubular frame and install an engine up front. The engine was Ford's 1.0-liter ohv, with a 1.3-liter offered as an option. The suspension system consisted of double-wishbones in front and a rigid axle with trailing arms at rear.
The car's extremely light curb weight, around 400 kg, gave it go-kart-like reflexes, making it one of the most thrilling things to drive on four wheels... despite the engine's low output. the G4 received high praise from amateur racers and became a grand success. Ginetta ended up selling more than 500 G4s in 1969, a rarity for a limited-production sports car. Eventually, the Walklett brothers released their interest in the company and the G4 disappeared. But in the late 1980s, production of a new G4 began again. the revived G4 embraced the values of the original car and struck a chord with enthusiasts all over again.
I'm not entirely sure why every automobile manufacturer in England insists on building cars in a shed, but clearly it's working. Think about it. Lotus- a light and fragile shed. TVR- shed you can't get out of. Ginetta- shed built by shed-makers. McLaren- sci-fi techno-shed. British Leyland- half a shed... maybe it was an outhouse. That man down the street working on his engine? No, that's Aston Martin. Bentley's shed is bigger than everyone else, but Rolls-Royce's shed is the only one with a chandelier.
Then there's the Mini... which is its own shed.
Ginetta may be in a shed, but at least it's a shed that sets you on the path to building your own home. Unlike purchasing your everyday Aveo, Ginetta offers owners the chance to participate in
programs designed to create a professional racing career. If you want to learn what it's like for every other racing driver on the planet, Ginetta has a kit that's sure to fill your appetite. If you're any good at it, you'll progress onto the next level with more powerful machinery, more sponsors, and more women with your name crossing their lips.
Get it wrong and you'll be next to us, completely broke. Dem's da breaks, kid.
While the bodywork was being unwrapped and subsequently prepped, our producer and I went over the testing assignments and logistics for our eventual trial. Despite the sanding, I must say, for an English bird she's got some beautiful plumage. Her rounded hips and curved fenders harken to the AC 427 from
Week 15, also built in a shed. The single protruding exhaust pipe denotes a sensible engine, with lightness given priority to power. I quite like it, and many others around the globe do as well, which is why
it's still being produced today.
Steve- Cameraman with nerves of Jello.
For the initial shakedown and straight line test, we've
volunteered delegated the task to Steve, one of our cameramen. Steve was elected because of his grand stature...
he's short... and his experience behind the wheel...
he's the only one other than me that can drive a manual. Steve has also been with us since
day one, so he remains quite confident that the car will perform exactly as it was designed.
Actually, Steve looks more like he's just been told that his wife died... and he's being audited... the same day he's due at the
dentist...
Performance as Purchased: March 7, 2011, Lotus Yellow (
Yellow)
Displacement: 1,496 cc
Max. Power:
82 hp @ 5,100 rpm
Max. Torque:
89 ft-lbs. @ 4,500 rpm
Drivetrain: FR
Length: 3,353 mm Height: 1,067 mm Weight: 454 kg
Tires: Sports (Hard)
Performance Points:
425
Mileage: 25,619.3 mi.
Once finally assembled, our G4 looked like something straight off a race track. Lathered in the appropriate yellow, the British sunlight reflecting off of a British car with British paint brought me to tears! Well, that and the 26 hours I had just put in assembling the damn thing with the rest of the crew, only to have a few factory workers from Ginetta drop by to insult and jab at our shoddy work.
It was all in good fun, but after 26 hours the initial insults hurled might as well have been boulders to our collective morale. If you can imagine reading instructions in your own language... only
not... then you can imagine the sort of mental strain we had put ourselves through. At one point, Tim had the trunk lid fastened to his foot, because the instructions called it a "boot". Eric refused to fit the
bonnet because he's a grown man, and Wendell was absolutely convinced a spanner was used to measure the width of the Grand Canyon.
As an act of good faith, and because we must've looked completely ragged and desperate, the Ginetta boys stepped in to help us fit the remaining parts that are always left over from a project of this scale and timing. If you're wondering why your precious replica Cobra exploded itself into a bajillion pieces all over the drag strip, that little telltale pile of washers, bolts, and nuts should be your first clue. All told, we got
9 hp,
10 ft-lb. of torque, and
15 Performance Points... which I'm told are useful at the car wash.. for something. In exchange,
Ginetta got... or will get... 38,000
Cr. worth of publicity for their assistance.
For those keeping score at home, other notable data includes: Max. Power: 91 hp, Max. Torque: 99 ft-lb., Max. Performance Points: 440 PP
Sniveling like the Cowardly Lion, we managed to coax Steve into the driver's seat of our untested car-of-kit. Buckled into the unquestionably questionable safety harness, Steve winced as he started the engine for the first time. Pops and crackles, but no explosions. Since there wasn't much in the way of an interior, the vibrations must've been disheartening. Steve nursed the G4 up to the line with the speed of Billy Graham to the grave.
Ever so gingerly, Steve left the line, and completed the test run without any undue drama. At least there wasn't any apparent undo drama. No wheel spin, power-slides, snap over or understeer, and no collisions or damage. Even so, Steve still found himself in desperate need of the loo about midway down the track. It wasn't as if he was going light speed... he only managed the quarter-mile in
0:17.191, and 0-60 mph in
0:09.136. This wasn't terrifyingly fast by any stretch of the imagination!
For those keeping score at home, other notable data includes: 0-1 mi.: 0:42.272, 0-100 mph: 0:23.959, Max. G-Force: 0.52G, Top Speed: 139.9 mph
As with last week, we've had to do our hardcore testing when the traffic is of the late-night-cable-softcore variety, in the wee hours of the morning. Thankfully
Fry and Laurie had made bail, and fancied a bit of payback on "The Man". Immediately after they were released from police custody, they commandeered one of London's Finest examples of automotive technology, from the same lot they were previously withheld in. While Laurie hacked the tracking electronics, Fry went to work on the ignition. Minutes later, we had our own direct access to London's Finest networks.
Coincidentally, their testicles are made from the same unobtainium that powers cold fusion.
The one thing we hadn't bothered to factor into our equation was "the best laid schemes of mice and men." The timing was perfect, the monitoring of the authorities was perfect, the lack of pedestrians was perfect. What wasn't perfect were the cars lining the streets, but nothing could be done about that except to avoid them. Sounds simple enough.
Third gear. Third gear was what I was in after exiting the fifth turn, not second or fourth. I had just come out of second, and didn't skip to fourth. No, instead, I was in third gear, and after shifting from second
into third, it was in third that I was in at the moment of impact. I don't have a fifth gear, so that is right out.
The car is no more. It has ceased to be. I know a dead car when I see it... or two in this case, and I'm looking at them right now. No, I can assure you this car is deceased, and when we finished it 2 hours ago, I was assured its stagnant and slow progress would be safe, not pining for the fjords. You can't tell me that the G4 prefers to be implanted into the side of a squad car, but it was nailed there. Now this car wouldn't even move if you pounded out each of its 4,000 individual dents. It has passed on. It has expired and gone on to meet its maker. This is a late car, bereft of life. It rests in peace.
Had I not nailed the police car, I'd have nailed any other car. The go-kart reflexes of the front are difficult to match with the live axle in the rear, each working separately but never together. This is an ex-car. If you want to get anything done with this car, you'll have to complain until you're blue in the mouth.
Tomorrow I suspect we'll be canceled, ridiculed in the tabloids, and fined enough money to free Europe from its present financial crisis... twice. But I don't care. Stiff upper lip. We built our own friggin car, and how many people get to say that? And if the car was to blame for our incident, then shouldn't the blame be shared by the MOT for giving us our documents?
Why am I not bothered? Because tomorrow, after I've been fired and crucified, I can go out to my shed... and start my own supercar company.
Week 1: 2001 Alfa Romeo Spider 3.0i V6 24V
Week 2: 1966 Alfa Romeo Spider 1600 Duetto
Week 3: 2000 Toyota Sprinter Trueno GT-APEX (S. Shigeno Ver.)
Week 4: 2007 Audi TT Coupe 3.2 Quattro
Week 5: 1983 Nissan Silvia 240RS (S110) and 1985 Nissan 240RS Rally Car
Week 6: 1973 BMW 2002 Turbo
Week 7: 2004 DMC DeLorean S2
Week 8: 1971 Nissan Fairlady 240ZG (HS30) and 1971 Nissan 240ZG (HS30)
Week 9: 1985 Lancia Delta S4 Rally Car
Week 10: 1991 Mercedes-Benz 190 E 2.5- 16 Evolution II and 1992 AMG Mercedes-Benz 190 E 2.5- 16 Evolution II Touring Car
Week 11: 1999 Lotus Motor Sport Elise and 1996 Lotus Elise and 1998 Lotus Elise Sport 190
Week 12: 2001 Audi RS4
Week 13: 1968 Isuzu 117 Coupe
Week 14: 1969 Camaro Z28 and 1969 Camaro Z28 RM and 1969 Camaro SS
Week 15: The Shelby Cars
Week 16: 1979 Honda Civic 1500 3door CX
Week 17: 1967 Mercury Cougar XR-7
Week 18: 1967 Prince Skyline 2000GT-B
Week 19: 1967 Toyota 2000GT
Week 20: 2002 Audi S3
Week 21: 2004 Oullim Motors Spirra 4.6 V8
Week 22: 1988 Toyota SUPRA 3.0GT Turbo A and 1990 Toyota SUPRA 2.5GT Twin Turbo R
Week 23: 1998 Mini Cooper 1.3i
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Ed. Note- R.I.P. TVR (1946 - 2012)
Best wishes and a Godspeed recovery to: Maria De Villota and TurismoM.G!.
So I'll update the Quest thread with the new challenge.👍👍
