Confession Booth

[GT_Prologue5]

That's strange....

 

[nk4e]

Thanks for all the support. I don't want to seem like I'm pleading for your attention if I'm coming across like that. I just have quite a lot to vent sometimes and no where else to do it.

Sorry it's taken me a little bit, but with my current lifestyle I'm usually too dead to get on and post when I'm home. Since I last posted I've gone through a bit of a rough patch. My friend ended up breaking her side of the promise and I just lost it, my legs are still sore. For my birthday a friend of mine offered to buy me a bottle of something so we ended up having a party. I purposely don't drink anymore because with my current situation I always break down, but I figured I hadn't in a while so why not. Horrible idea, we all ended up freaking out, then I went on a walk and tried to hang myself. There is a small playground at their apartment with a rope going up the side of it. It had just enough slack to get it around my neck, then I put all my weight down. I backed out after struggling for a bit, but I almost wasn't able to. On the way back to the apartments I ended up punching myself in the face a few times, so I came back to the apartment sporting a red band around my neck, a slightly black eye, and a screwed up voicebox. A few days after that I went for a walk to my storage unit and started having a panic attack on the way. When I got there I found a rope, made it into a noose, then started walking back. I wasn't going to but I forced myself to text my friend about it. I had just lost any interest and all attachment to reality and my phone was dying. My friend gave me 20 minutes to walk back home before she drove there and made me. My phone died right at the storage unit, so I had the whole walk back. I started panicking, put the noose around my neck, wrote goodbye on the pavement with a piece of bark, then pulled it as tight as I could. I was waiting to pass out but I took it off just as everything began to get a bit blurry.

I can be rational about how I'm feeling, it's just the irrationalities that take over. I know I need to take my pills and I know I need to eat but you couldn't force me to do either. I just end up talking to myself and cutting myself down until I have no shred of will to live left. I force myself not to eat or take them because it would make me feel better. It feels like there's someone else there sometimes, the arguments I've had, the things I've done not under my control. I just don't know what to do about it, I know I need to get some kind of help, but I won't let myself get any better.

There are teachers and counselors you can talk about this. My parents divorced when I was starting Highschool and I talked to my teachers and counselors about this. But the one thing my mom told me was" This is not about you, we both love you. This is between me and your dad."

 

[McLaren]

Thanks for all the support. I don't want to seem like I'm pleading for your attention if I'm coming across like that. I just have quite a lot to vent sometimes and no where else to do it.

Sorry it's taken me a little bit, but with my current lifestyle I'm usually too dead to get on and post when I'm home. Since I last posted I've gone through a bit of a rough patch. My friend ended up breaking her side of the promise and I just lost it, my legs are still sore. For my birthday a friend of mine offered to buy me a bottle of something so we ended up having a party. I purposely don't drink anymore because with my current situation I always break down, but I figured I hadn't in a while so why not. Horrible idea, we all ended up freaking out, then I went on a walk and tried to hang myself. There is a small playground at their apartment with a rope going up the side of it. It had just enough slack to get it around my neck, then I put all my weight down. I backed out after struggling for a bit, but I almost wasn't able to. On the way back to the apartments I ended up punching myself in the face a few times, so I came back to the apartment sporting a red band around my neck, a slightly black eye, and a screwed up voicebox. A few days after that I went for a walk to my storage unit and started having a panic attack on the way. When I got there I found a rope, made it into a noose, then started walking back. I wasn't going to but I forced myself to text my friend about it. I had just lost any interest and all attachment to reality and my phone was dying. My friend gave me 20 minutes to walk back home before she drove there and made me. My phone died right at the storage unit, so I had the whole walk back. I started panicking, put the noose around my neck, wrote goodbye on the pavement with a piece of bark, then pulled it as tight as I could. I was waiting to pass out but I took it off just as everything began to get a bit blurry.

I can be rational about how I'm feeling, it's just the irrationalities that take over. I know I need to take my pills and I know I need to eat but you couldn't force me to do either. I just end up talking to myself and cutting myself down until I have no shred of will to live left. I force myself not to eat or take them because it would make me feel better. It feels like there's someone else there sometimes, the arguments I've had, the things I've done not under my control. I just don't know what to do about it, I know I need to get some kind of help, but I won't let myself get any better.

Please, please seek help immediately. You've shown by this post that during each of your attempts, you have gotten even closer & closer to a fate you do not want.

Again, please seek your nearest doctor. You're leaving behind friends & family who do care, including what are technically, some random guys on an internet forum. If you don't, believe me, you'll put yourself in a situation where you'll try to back out of it again, and that time, it'll be too late.

I & others would hate to check your profile & see your last visit was the day you made one of these posts.

 

[Barracuda]

I just wish nobody cared so I could actually go through with it. I'm just absolutely done with life, I have no reason to continue on, and I don't care what comes after. Hell or just nonexistence I don't care, anything would be better than living right now. The only shred keeping me here is the fact that it would seriously screw up my friend's lives, but I don't want to believe that. I tell myself they hate me, and I believe it, and little by little it becomes more real to me. I don't even look at the world with the same perspective anymore. I just feel like I'm dragging on in this useless body in this useless world.

I talked to my best friend and he is horribly bothered with the way I am. The fact that I'd just kill myself when we're practically brothers, I hang out with him all day every day. I hate to talk to him about it because he knew me when I didn't have a care in the world, and now I'm so close to death it's not even funny.

I found more rope in my storage unit, literally the best kind for a noose, not even out of the package. The other rope I used I left in my car and my friend made me give her my keys and she threw it out. I have a noose sitting in a bag in my closet right now

Tomorrow when I get the chance I'm going to see if I can have a talk with my friend. Hopefully during the day I'll have a slight moment of clarity and be able to text her about it.

I'm so sorry I'm like this

 

[McLaren]

People do care, mate. A lot of us care & so do your friends. Why would you want to put them & your family through the trouble & pain of attending your funeral? Do you want them to say you committed suicide when people asked how you died? Do you know how hard it is for people to think about stuff like that?

Wouldn't you rather have your friends tell people that you lived a long, care free life when the time comes, 60+ years from now?

You've got something to live for, you just don't know it yet, bro. You're just in a severe state of depression; seek help for your closest friend's sake at the very least.

 

[marchi]

Thanks for all the support. I don't want to seem like I'm pleading for your attention if I'm coming across like that. I just have quite a lot to vent sometimes and no where else to do it.

Sorry it's taken me a little bit, but with my current lifestyle I'm usually too dead to get on and post when I'm home. Since I last posted I've gone through a bit of a rough patch. My friend ended up breaking her side of the promise and I just lost it, my legs are still sore. For my birthday a friend of mine offered to buy me a bottle of something so we ended up having a party. I purposely don't drink anymore because with my current situation I always break down, but I figured I hadn't in a while so why not. Horrible idea, we all ended up freaking out, then I went on a walk and tried to hang myself. There is a small playground at their apartment with a rope going up the side of it. It had just enough slack to get it around my neck, then I put all my weight down. I backed out after struggling for a bit, but I almost wasn't able to. On the way back to the apartments I ended up punching myself in the face a few times, so I came back to the apartment sporting a red band around my neck, a slightly black eye, and a screwed up voicebox. A few days after that I went for a walk to my storage unit and started having a panic attack on the way. When I got there I found a rope, made it into a noose, then started walking back. I wasn't going to but I forced myself to text my friend about it. I had just lost any interest and all attachment to reality and my phone was dying. My friend gave me 20 minutes to walk back home before she drove there and made me. My phone died right at the storage unit, so I had the whole walk back. I started panicking, put the noose around my neck, wrote goodbye on the pavement with a piece of bark, then pulled it as tight as I could. I was waiting to pass out but I took it off just as everything began to get a bit blurry.

I can be rational about how I'm feeling, it's just the irrationalities that take over. I know I need to take my pills and I know I need to eat but you couldn't force me to do either. I just end up talking to myself and cutting myself down until I have no shred of will to live left. I force myself not to eat or take them because it would make me feel better. It feels like there's someone else there sometimes, the arguments I've had, the things I've done not under my control. I just don't know what to do about it, I know I need to get some kind of help, but I won't let myself get any better.

Barra, you need to understand that there is life beyond what you can conceive. I suffered from depression for a number of years, and contemplation of suicide was incredible. Every night I went to bed, I dreaded it because I realized I had to wake up the next day. But you need to focus your energy on something creative. Get yourself out of these environments that you feel encourage your anxiety attacks. What you feel is not abnormal for those suffering from depression and what you have is beatable. Don't focus on whats happening now, look to what could happen in the future. I read that you're confused with your sexual identity, but who in this world really gives a flying ****? You are who you are and you do not have to prove yourself to anybody. Your real friends will be your friends and they don't hate you, they just want you to get better.

 

[Bram Turismo]

This thread should be split in two. A bit odd seeing deep personal issues alongside random confessions about playing WoW and buying something expensive.

Playing WoW is a confession?

 

[WeinerSchnitzel]

I just wish nobody cared so I could actually go through with it. I'm just absolutely done with life, I have no reason to continue on, and I don't care what comes after. Hell or just nonexistence I don't care, anything would be better than living right now. The only shred keeping me here is the fact that it would seriously screw up my friend's lives, but I don't want to believe that. I tell myself they hate me, and I believe it, and little by little it becomes more real to me. I don't even look at the world with the same perspective anymore. I just feel like I'm dragging on in this useless body in this useless world.

I talked to my best friend and he is horribly bothered with the way I am. The fact that I'd just kill myself when we're practically brothers, I hang out with him all day every day. I hate to talk to him about it because he knew me when I didn't have a care in the world, and now I'm so close to death it's not even funny.

I found more rope in my storage unit, literally the best kind for a noose, not even out of the package. The other rope I used I left in my car and my friend made me give her my keys and she threw it out. I have a noose sitting in a bag in my closet right now

Tomorrow when I get the chance I'm going to see if I can have a talk with my friend. Hopefully during the day I'll have a slight moment of clarity and be able to text her about it.

I'm so sorry I'm like this

Dude, think about all your friends. Do you really want them to suffer because of you? You're life really does have meaning, it's there, just not crystal clear..

 

[socomplayer2]

I just wish nobody cared so I could actually go through with it. I'm just absolutely done with life, I have no reason to continue on, and I don't care what comes after. Hell or just nonexistence I don't care, anything would be better than living right now. The only shred keeping me here is the fact that it would seriously screw up my friend's lives, but I don't want to believe that. I tell myself they hate me, and I believe it, and little by little it becomes more real to me. I don't even look at the world with the same perspective anymore. I just feel like I'm dragging on in this useless body in this useless world.

I talked to my best friend and he is horribly bothered with the way I am. The fact that I'd just kill myself when we're practically brothers, I hang out with him all day every day. I hate to talk to him about it because he knew me when I didn't have a care in the world, and now I'm so close to death it's not even funny.

I found more rope in my storage unit, literally the best kind for a noose, not even out of the package. The other rope I used I left in my car and my friend made me give her my keys and she threw it out. I have a noose sitting in a bag in my closet right now

Tomorrow when I get the chance I'm going to see if I can have a talk with my friend. Hopefully during the day I'll have a slight moment of clarity and be able to text her about it.

I'm so sorry I'm like this

Yo, I think you should talk with someone, whether it is a friend, family member or teacher. Life it too precious to throw away even though you may not want to continue on. Dude, I know I don't know what your going through because I have never experienced it but damn it seems really crappy and it kills me that anyone can be so sad in life. Please man, don't do it for your family or friends do it for yourself, you owe yourself a second chance dont give up now. We are friends on fb and if you wanna talk just let me know Ima good listener.

 

[nk4e]

Playing WoW is a confession?

If your trying to play WoW in IRL.( in a intimate and romantic way...)

 

[GT_Prologue5]

Please, please, get some help Barracuda. There are people who know how you feel. And friends don't hate you, they'll always be there for you, ready to help. Talk to someone. It would help a lot.

 

[glassjaw]

Barracuda people do care, and your friends and family are clearly trying to help. Don't do this. You need to talk to somebody, anybody; and you need to do whatever you can to focus on something else. I realize that's way easier said than done, but the more you concentrate on your misery and the more you tell yourself these horrible lies, the more you will believe them and the harder to control the tendency will be. Don't give in.

Nobody here thinks you're pleading for attention. Everyone is much happier that you're venting your frustartion here, rather than not posting back. Don't be sorry.

And if it means anything, this is coming from a random new user who you've never met, even online.

 

[Talon]

Ok, I here’s my confession.

I think I may have voluntarily sacrificed a friendship for three girls that I knew I would only know for a week. Let me explain.

Over the summer, my family went on a vacation for two weeks, and one of those weeks was spent on a cruise. I could take one friend, so I chose my friend Andrew. Things were fine for the first day or so of the cruise, then we met these three girls that I immediately liked, and Andrew immediately disliked for some reason. I still don’t know why. As I got to know them better, I started to spend more and more time with them without Andrew, because for some reason he kept going back to the cabin early. It got to the point where I was spending the whole evening with these girls and their (now my) friends, with Andrew alone in the room. He didn’t say much for the rest of the trip, and now we’ve been home for almost two months and I haven’t talked to him once. Remember, this is one of my friends that I liked enough to take halfway across the globe. And I think the worst part is that I don’t really mind. He seems to have changed since when I met him, but still, it seems wrong for me to not think more of it.

 

[Kneedragger]

Remember, this is one of my friends that I liked enough to take halfway across the globe. .

I liked your story. It was very human in the quirky way relationships are. Its possible your friend was simply jealous of the attention you 'gave away' to the girls (and which he maybe thought was rightfully his.) After all, you asked HIM to go with you halfway across the globe, right? I'm not implying anything other than that guys can be fond of each other, *without* the presence of girls and sex entering in. He must have felt 'dumped' by you ..no biggie. **** happens.

 

[GT_Prologue5]

Hmm. Nice story Talon. Strange, cause that's my name.

 

[ROAD_DOGG33J]

Over the summer, my family went on a vacation for two weeks, and one of those weeks was spent on a cruise. I could take one friend, so I chose my friend Andrew. Things were fine for the first day or so of the cruise, then we met these three girls that I immediately liked, and Andrew immediately disliked for some reason. I still don’t know why.

Is he gay?

 

[Talon]

I liked your story. It was very human in the quirky way relationships are. Its possible your friend was simply jealous of the attention you 'gave away' to the girls (and which he maybe thought was rightfully his.) After all, you asked HIM to go with you halfway across the globe, right? I'm not implying anything other than that guys can be fond of each other, *without* the presence of girls and sex entering in. He must have felt 'dumped' by you ..no biggie. **** happens.

Yeah, that makes sense I guess. Like I said, I'm not too upset about it.

Hmm. Nice story Talon. Strange, cause that's my name.

Very strange. I'm pretty sure it wasn't you though.

Is he gay?

You know I never thought of that, but it all adds up now.

No, he's not gay, I'm pretty sure he just felt left out. I forgot to mention the fact that they weren't all that interested in him compared to me.

 

[Kneedragger]

Is he gay?

Think it through: if our hero knew his friend Andrew was gay, and then asked him on a trip halfway around the world, together, well what would that say?
..Andrew is probably just a sincere kid who liked his friend and has not matured into the latching onto girls stage yet (unlike Talon, who takes them on three at a time.)

 

[ROAD_DOGG33J]

No, he's not gay, I'm pretty sure he just felt left out. I forgot to mention the fact that they weren't all that interested in him compared to me.

Makes sense

Think it through: if our hero knew his friend Andrew was gay, and then asked him on a trip halfway around the world, together, well what would that say?

Maybe he was about to come out?

 

[nk4e]

Why am I afraid of Section 8? I don't know... I am 22 just wanting to go back to school and living in cali is hard. Though paying $700 is way too much for me. I don't know what to do.

 

[marchi]

I'm sorry if this comes across the wrong way Barra but it needs to be blunt. Cowards take the suicide route. Those who are not willing to put the hard yards in. Don't be that person. One of my favorite lines from Scrubs. Anything thats worth having in this life is hard to get. You want to get better, work your socks off and don't be afraid to failure, because ultimately, to succeed we must learn where we have failed.

 

[Kings]

How strange- I saw my father die in front of me also. How young were you?

My mum died in front of me last year from a brain tumour. It was pretty hard seeing her go from being able to talk to bedridden listening to her lungs fill with fluid through the night.
I was 19 at the time but I was still surprised at how well I took it when she did die. I guess it was harder to see my mum in that state and I just wanted her to be at peace. I basically held her till she stopped breathing and I only cried a bit then I just sat calmly outside and decided to text my friends to tell them what happened.
I think dad is the one who is taking it the worst. And part of me feels frustrated and annoyed when I see him cry over a small reminder of her (I know it sounds terrible but I don't really know why it annoys me) Maybe mum meant much more to him then she did to me.
Anyways thats my confession
Thanks for listening guys.

 

[TheCracker]

Maybe mum meant much more to him then she did to me.

You had no choice over who your mother was. Your father chose your mother as his life partner. Love between a mother and son and love between a husband and wife are completely different and based on different requirements. I think you perhaps need to cut him some slack in the 'grieving over mom' dept.

 

[Kings]

And Barra trust me life often does get better.
My life has been pretty crappy for the past 3 years.
In 2007 my dream job since I was a toddler of becoming a pilot was crushed during an aviation medical which revealed that I was colourblind
(So mildly in-fact that my only ever struggle in life was colour vision tests)
It was so infuriating having people tell me what colours I can and can't see when in truth the difference is tiny.
I also had a strong interest in joining the defence forces but I then realised that they don't employ people with colour-blindness in any of the jobs I wanted.
I essentially settled for a uni degree that I hated and still hate.
Then in 2008 my grandma who I was very close to died of a stroke. Then my uni marks started failing and got more and more frustrated and could not see any future ahead of me. Then mum died and then I stopped sociallising I slept in till 2 in the afternoon everyday. My friends drew further apart and still no future in sight. All on top of this I've never had a girlfriend (theres another for the confession booth )
Basically I was isolated, lonely, with no drive or ambition, I used to talk to mum a lot but now I had no-one and no future in sight. Basically I found comfort in self pity. Used to hold a rope around my neck to see what it would feel like to hang myself.
But I decided that despite not having any vision of the future, I knew that there was one somewhere and I guess thats kinda what got me out of it.
I still have no clue what I want to do with my life but everyday brings new surprises. I hit the town with some friends had some great nights out with some great although sometimes hazy memories and I found a hobby WHICH REALLY HELPS BARRA TRUST ME. You have your barracuda but if you find that its not enough find a new hobby. I just recently out of the blue bought a dirtbike and it is the most fun I have ever had I look forward to the weekend so much more now.
Try new things buddy and meet new people both are things that you can look forward to in life.
I hope I gave some form of advice rather than a wall of text but seriously find something that you have never done before theres no point leaving your life behind if you haven't experienced everything it has to offer.
Stay safe bro

 

[Kings]

You had no choice over who your mother was. Your father chose your mother as his life partner. Love between a mother and son and love between a husband and wife are completely different and based on different requirements. I think you perhaps need to cut him some slack in the 'grieving over mom' dept.

I know what you mean. I really do feel terrible for getting mad at him and I can never understand how he can feel. I'm just surprised at how well I took it. I mean I grieved I had trouble getting back to uni and was pretty depressed but I never found myself crying out loud or thinking specifically of mum. Maybe my mind is shutting her out which I hope is not the case because I truly loved mum but I do feel distant now.

 

[Neal]

Kings - Very good posts if that's the right way to put it, that's a lot to deal with at a young age so I'm not surprised you have found it very hard. I'm really sorry you've lost your grandma and your mum, I was with my nan when she died in a similar way so you have my sympathies. It's good to see you've got through the bad times and are enjoying your life again. As TheCracker has said the relationship between a husband and his wife and a son and his mum are different, your dad was expecting to grow old with you mum where as you always knew she would die before you got old although not so soon. It's hard to know how you're going to feel until it happens I guess.

Barra - People do care and hopefully Kings' posts will have given you some hope that good things can happen in the future.

 

[Kings]

Cheers Neal

 

[Talon]

Think it through: if our hero knew his friend Andrew was gay, and then asked him on a trip halfway around the world, together, well what would that say?
..Andrew is probably just a sincere kid who liked his friend and has not matured into the latching onto girls stage yet (unlike Talon, who takes them on three at a time.)

I just found out he's moving anyway, so this whole situation doesn't really matter anymore.

 

[wedding racer 2]

Lets see, lots of small problems so far... ermmm...

My parents tell me that im very smart, but most of the time i dont really believe them, i seem to be very anti-social (and im usually the most social guy around )
I failed freshman year, and now since im redoing (online high school ) I can finish my lessons early, and I dont feel like im learning anything even though there is new information i never got before. I cant concentrate on anything except ace combat and racing, i want to be serious about my school work, but i cant seem to get it through....



Im worried i might turn out to be some overweight keyboard warrior, or worse, a public one....

 

[nk4e]

Lets see, lots of small problems so far... ermmm...

My parents tell me that im very smart, but most of the time i dont really believe them, i seem to be very anti-social (and im usually the most social guy around )
I failed freshman year, and now since im redoing (online high school ) I can finish my lessons early, and I dont feel like im learning anything even though there is new information i never got before. I cant concentrate on anything except ace combat and racing, i want to be serious about my school work, but i cant seem to get it through....



Im worried i might turn out to be some overweight keyboard warrior, or worse, a public one....

I use to be like that with GT4 and Socom 2. Just manage your time wisely whie playing video games like reward yourself a hour or two when you get your homework done. I fell asleep for 4 years of highschool and graduated. Not a thing I am proud of though I know that I could do better than that.