Sorry if I'm bringing the thread down, but I figured I'd give a bit of an update.
Not surprisingly things haven't gotten much better. For the past three days I've managed to convince myself that I'm a burden to my friends and have ended up parking somewhere and not answering their phone calls. Every day I wake up and all I can think about is killing myself. Lately the days have just blended into each other from how much I smoke and the various panic attacks I've started to have more frequently. The urges to kill myself have also increased. I spend a lot of time going to a local park where I plan on hanging myself, and I've worn the tread down to metal on my right front tire from driving so bad. The other day I drove off the road toward a telephone poll, swerved last minute, and came inches from taking the ass end off my car from it swinging out (grass). I am able to have some random bits of happiness, but they're quite few and far between. I know I should really do something, but I literally wont let myself. Every time I even think about it I manage to convince myself I don't deserve to feel any better, and that there is no other solution than to kill myself. I feel silly trying to explain it, It doesn't make any sense, but it's just something in my head.
There is some good news though, I've found a few things to really look forward too (although it doesn't take much for me to say screw it, but it is an improvement). Short term, there is a decently big party being planned for whenever everyone has off work. My english friend is going to be bringing a friend of hers who I may have some interest in. Apparently another friend of mine described me to him and he was excited so I'm both nervous and happy. Middle term, my friends and I are planning on going to the ultra music festival in Miami. I don't remember when it is, I know it's a pretty long ways from now, but I absolutely can't wait to go. Long term, if my friend and I were able to get better jobs we could both move out and share an apartment with his girlfriend (also a good friend of mine). I know they say friends shouldn't live together, but I don't see there ever really being a problem.
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