Depression and Anxiety Thread

  • Thread starter JohnBM01
  • 2,092 comments
  • 136,629 views
Pills my friends, pills. You don't need them but you can't live without them.

I’m struggling to make sense of that.

I really can’t live (a normal life) without them so I do need them.
 
There's a lot of suffering happening in my home right now and I'm about ready to start bashing my face through the wall. I won't go into detail because my personal thoughts on the matter might break the site rules. I need to review them. Just know that I'm trying my damnedest to get by and hope the best to the rest of you guys facing a tough climb.
 
I've come across something interesting in the last couple of weeks. Apparently there is such a thing as bipolar II, and it can be quite easily misdiagnosed as depression/anxiety. Essentially, the "mania" phase is just a fairly high functioning, high energy mode which when you're depressed the rest of the time can be pretty easily confused for "normal" unless you're specifically looking for it.

It's interesting for me personally because the standard depression/anxiety treatments don't really work on me at all. If you have bipolar, that's expected. Anti-depressants can in some cases make you worse. There's also a bunch of other behavioural quirks and timings that happen to match up kind of well with me, stuff that I thought was just a normal part of me and what I do but may actually be related.

As an aside, this is why I don't like the standard GP diagnostic procedure. "Tell me what's wrong" assumes that the patient knows all the relevant symptoms. With mental illness, that's just asking for trouble. A comprehensive list of questions ("have you ever experienced something like A, B or C?") would seem like it would capture a lot more potentially relevant stuff and lead to a better diagnosis.

Anyway, the problem I have now is actually trying to convince a doctor that the diagnosis may not be correct. You'd think this would be easy. The initial diagnosis was made by a doctor that didn't even run the standard state screening test. I've got 2.5 years of not responding to standard depression/anxiety treatments. You'd think that'd be enough to at least raise the question that the diagnosis might be wrong.

Nope, my current doctor thinks that the best course of action is just to wait out the next month until I get to a new psychologist. I dunno what magic the GP thinks the psychologist is going to pull, but I suspect it's just that I'll then be off her plate.

For all that the conventional wisdom is to seek professional medical help for mental illness, they do make it :censored:ing hard to get anything out of them sometimes. It's still the right choice, but imagine if every GP was decent at helping mentally ill people instead of like, 1 in 10.
 
I've come across something interesting in the last couple of weeks. Apparently there is such a thing as bipolar II, and it can be quite easily misdiagnosed as depression/anxiety. Essentially, the "mania" phase is just a fairly high functioning, high energy mode which when you're depressed the rest of the time can be pretty easily confused for "normal" unless you're specifically looking for it.

It's interesting for me personally because the standard depression/anxiety treatments don't really work on me at all. If you have bipolar, that's expected. Anti-depressants can in some cases make you worse. There's also a bunch of other behavioural quirks and timings that happen to match up kind of well with me, stuff that I thought was just a normal part of me and what I do but may actually be related.

As an aside, this is why I don't like the standard GP diagnostic procedure. "Tell me what's wrong" assumes that the patient knows all the relevant symptoms. With mental illness, that's just asking for trouble. A comprehensive list of questions ("have you ever experienced something like A, B or C?") would seem like it would capture a lot more potentially relevant stuff and lead to a better diagnosis.

Anyway, the problem I have now is actually trying to convince a doctor that the diagnosis may not be correct. You'd think this would be easy. The initial diagnosis was made by a doctor that didn't even run the standard state screening test. I've got 2.5 years of not responding to standard depression/anxiety treatments. You'd think that'd be enough to at least raise the question that the diagnosis might be wrong.

Nope, my current doctor thinks that the best course of action is just to wait out the next month until I get to a new psychologist. I dunno what magic the GP thinks the psychologist is going to pull, but I suspect it's just that I'll then be off her plate.

For all that the conventional wisdom is to seek professional medical help for mental illness, they do make it :censored:ing hard to get anything out of them sometimes. It's still the right choice, but imagine if every GP was decent at helping mentally ill people instead of like, 1 in 10.

That’s very interesting to know. I wonder why more sources don’t state this. Thanks for putting it out there.

I’ve never liked the term “bipolar”, it cunjours the image of rapid mood swings in my mind. I always prefer to say I suffer manic depression as I feel it better explains the problem.

Recently I was asked by a colleague how I manage with the bouts of depression and I realised that I’m depressed more often than not and I’ve just become very good at faking ‘normal’.
 
Depression has driven me back to alcohol. Seriously considering a very fast one way journey down the highway at silly speeds.
 
Depression has driven me back to alcohol. Seriously considering a very fast one way journey down the highway at silly speeds.

Please don't do anything that will harm yourself or anyone else.
 
Dan
Please don't do anything that will harm yourself or anyone else.

I would like to tell you I won’t but after this bottle I’ll have pretty much no conscious control over myself. I just don’t give a ****.
 
I would like to tell you I won’t but after this bottle I’ll have pretty much no conscious control over myself. I just don’t give a ****.

The people who love you give a ****, though. And if you think about what's important about being alive, that should be right up there.
 
Depression is a selfish monster, guilt tripping me isn’t going to change the result of this day. The ball’s started rolling and I’ll let the road decide my fate today.

If I wake up with a hangover and post here tomorrow offering my humblest apologies to all then I live to fight another day. Right now I’m Schrödinger‘s Shem.
 
Depression is a selfish monster, guilt tripping me isn’t going to change the result of this day. The ball’s started rolling and I’ll let the road decide my fate today.

If I wake up with a hangover and post here tomorrow offering my humblest apologies to all then I live to fight another day. Right now I’m Schrödinger‘s Shem.

If we here can't help you, then we can only hope someone or something nearer can. But it would be a shame to see you let yourself go to waste, especially as a result of a moment of misjudgment.
 
If we here can't help you, then we can only hope someone or something nearer can. But it would be a shame to see you let yourself go to waste, especially as a result of a moment of misjudgment.

Indeed.

I’m still yet to understand if my current actions are a serious call for help or a genuine means to an end (literally, it would appear). Since it’s true that nobody here can actually help me I’m inclined towards the latter.

Anyhow, the day is still young and I’m far from the required level of intoxication to be able to effectively make that decision for certain.
 
Indeed.

I’m still yet to understand if my current actions are a serious call for help or a genuine means to an end (literally, it would appear). Since it’s true that nobody here can actually help me I’m inclined towards the latter.

Anyhow, the day is still young and I’m far from the required level of intoxication to be able to effectively make that decision for certain.

There are people here who can help you to the best of their abilities, I never said there weren't. I said "if we can't help you," as opposed to "since." Which surely leads us back to the earlier option of it being a call for help.
 
A wild lifeline appears!

Seems I talk too much and “friends” have been dispatched to my place to save me from myself.

I’d never got as far as a suicide hotline before (I did today) and I’m still on the fence about how this day pans out.

Can’t say anymore than that right now. Am I desperate? Of course. Am I bluffing? I never bluff.

Edit: in the event that things do go tits-up, to use a phrase, I hope that nobody replying to me today feels they could have done anything more or thinks this could have been averted. I’m a stubborn mofo and I can live (lol, what choice of words!) with the consequences of my actions without guilt. Dead people don’t feel guilt. Or anything for that matter.

Edit 2: any hint of pity for me and I’m gonna chew on a 9mm shell right now. I don’t need any pity.
 
Last edited:
A wild lifeline appears!

Seems I talk too much and “friends” have been dispatched to my place to save me from myself.

I’d never got as far as a suicide hotline before (I did today) and I’m still on the fence about how this day pans out.

Can’t say anymore than that right now. Am I desperate? Of course. Am I bluffing? I never bluff.

Edit: in the event that things do go tits-up, to use a phrase, I hope that nobody replying to me today feels they could have done anything more or thinks this could have been averted. I’m a stubborn mofo and I can live (lol, what choice of words!) with the consequences of my actions without guilt. Dead people don’t feel guilt. Or anything for that matter.

Edit 2: any hint of pity for me and I’m gonna chew on a 9mm shell right now. I don’t need any pity.

Shem... Still with us?

You know this doesn't make sense man.

For ****s sake, don't let alcohol be the reason you make an irreversible decision.
 
Seems I live to fight another day, though not for lack of trying. A full fuel tank of kamakazi riding didn’t prove fruitful that day.
You are back.

👍



At 10 am, I have another kinesiology appointment. I really think it is working. But I can only be sure though if I stay the same when lowering the dosage of my pills.
 
Seems I live to fight another day, though not for lack of trying. A full fuel tank of kamakazi riding didn’t prove fruitful that day.

I'm just glad you're not hurt (or worse), and I mean that wholeheartedly. It goes to show how savage depression can be, where you can turn reason on its head, and calm and collectedly rationalise the decisions in your turn of vision.

I was careful with how I worded things, but it proved ultimately pointless. Though you said it yourself, you're a stubborn mofo. :P But again, I'm just glad you're still among the living.
 
I'm just glad you're not hurt (or worse), and I mean that wholeheartedly. It goes to show how savage depression can be, where you can turn reason on its head, and calm and collectedly rationalise the decisions in your turn of vision.

I think what people who haven't experienced depression of that magnitude don't realise is that it can be totally rational.

Let's replace depression with pain for a second. One can fairly easily imagine a level of physical pain at which it would be rational to simply end your suffering. It makes even more sense when you've already been suffering this for some time, and it's unclear whether there's ever going to be a time when you are no longer suffering or if this is just what you can expect for the rest of your life.

People like to point out that it can't be that bad, or that it will always pass. They don't know what they're talking about. The reality is that it absolutely can be that bad. No one knows if it will pass. The truth is that depression compresses what you're able to deal with down so far that struggling through every single moment can be agonising.

It's a rational response to the unendurable to say "I've met my match and I'm done". This isn't at you specifically because I think you worded yourself fairly well, but in general I don't particularly like the responses that try to make it sound like it's irrational or to undermine what people are feeling as if it's incorrect. I'm not sure there's much that can be said when someone reaches that point other than "are you sure you're ready to give up, is there nothing else we can try that I can help you with?"

If people are ready to die, then they're adults and it's their life.

@W3HS Well done making it through one more day. One at a time, eh? I too am back on the alcohol, because it strikes me as at least more active than huddling in a cupboard being miserable.
 
I think what people who haven't experienced depression of that magnitude don't realise is that it can be totally rational.

Let's replace depression with pain for a second. One can fairly easily imagine a level of physical pain at which it would be rational to simply end your suffering. It makes even more sense when you've already been suffering this for some time, and it's unclear whether there's ever going to be a time when you are no longer suffering or if this is just what you can expect for the rest of your life.

People like to point out that it can't be that bad, or that it will always pass. They don't know what they're talking about. The reality is that it absolutely can be that bad. No one knows if it will pass. The truth is that depression compresses what you're able to deal with down so far that struggling through every single moment can be agonising.

It's a rational response to the unendurable to say "I've met my match and I'm done". This isn't at you specifically because I think you worded yourself fairly well, but in general I don't particularly like the responses that try to make it sound like it's irrational or to undermine what people are feeling as if it's incorrect. I'm not sure there's much that can be said when someone reaches that point other than "are you sure you're ready to give up, is there nothing else we can try that I can help you with?"

If people are ready to die, then they're adults and it's their life.

@W3HS Well done making it through one more day. One at a time, eh? I too am back on the alcohol, because it strikes me as at least more active than huddling in a cupboard being miserable.

That’s a very elegant response to a very inelegant situation. Depression sucks, sometimes it does just feel easier to pull the trigger and be over with it.

As for alcohol, I’m still feeling the residual laziness, lack of productivity and motivation after 3 whole days. I’m having cravings to drink for the first time since I can remember (excluding this past Saturday) but I know this time it will definitely kill me and today I’m not completely convinced I want to die.
 
but in general I don't particularly like the responses that try to make it sound like it's irrational or to undermine what people are feeling as if it's incorrect. I'm not sure there's much that can be said when someone reaches that point other than "are you sure you're ready to give up, is there nothing else we can try that I can help you with?"

If people are ready to die, then they're adults and it's their life.

I've got a lot of time and patience for people suffering with depression, anxiety and related issues. I also sympathise with those that have alcohol abuse problems. I also quite like @W3HS, so I do find seeing what he's going through somewhat distressing, but if Shem's current mental state is being triggered by alcohol, then there's no two ways about it, his judgement is/was impaired at that point and even the perverse logic of depression can reasonably be questioned. I've been there, I can live (fortunately) with most of the things I've chosen to do because of my depression - in some cases there have even been positives where it's enabled me to help others - but without a doubt, the things I did when I was drunk bring me nothing but shame because they were not a reflection of me loosing control, but because of alcoholism taking over. It's not fair of any us to judge Shem for what he's going through... but...

I’m having cravings to drink for the first time since I can remember (excluding this past Saturday) but I know this time it will definitely kill me and today I’m not completely convinced I want to die.

He (you Shem) should not be tolerant of what the drink is making him do. It's like a horror film, where someone is possessed or cognisant but not in control - and they feed themselves into a meat grinder screaming all the way. Addiction is an enemy, it should be fought as such.

Sorry Shem if this sounds like I'm unfairly misrepresenting your situation, no doubt part of my rant here is a reflection of my own frustration at myself .

I'm glad you're still vertical and not a stain on the road somewhere.
 
Sorry Shem if this sounds like I'm unfairly misrepresenting your situation.

Not at all, it was scarily accurate.

I can feel the wheel but I can’t steer.

I suffered a mild psychosis in 2008 and was completely detached from reality for several days. When I find myself in these situations it’s almost like being back in the phychosis to some extent; the lights are on but nobody’s home.
 
Let's replace depression with pain for a second. One can fairly easily imagine a level of physical pain at which it would be rational to simply end your suffering. It makes even more sense when you've already been suffering this for some time, and it's unclear whether there's ever going to be a time when you are no longer suffering or if this is just what you can expect for the rest of your life.
The people who love you give a ****, though. And if you think about what's important about being alive, that should be right up there.

Mixing and matching quotes a bit, I put them in that order because that's exactly what happened to me. I have the worst version of psoriatic arthritis and if the pain wasn't enough it also messes with the brain. In other words, before I got the proper medication I was feeling pretty hellish physical pain and getting more and more depressed not only because of the pain but also because it was literally getting into my head. Waking up every morning without knowing if I can, or even want to, do it again the following morning was enough to create some seriously dark thoughts. I had a lot of things thought out, including quite a few plans on how to get myself dead so that it harms others as little as possible.

Two people saved me. My mother, the first one, has only had one dream in her life - she always wanted to be a mother, preferably for a son. The thought of her having to tell the girl I loved more than anyone else ever, the second one, that I'm gone and having to carry on her life without me... it was too much. I didn't have any value for myself left at that point but their suffering was an unbearable option.
 
I think it’s only in a rational state of mind that one can justify living for the sake of others. The irrational mind doesn’t care, won’t empathise with others.

My family have known I’m a potential suicide risk for the last decade. In their own ways they’ve accepted that it’s a possibility that I may self destruct entirely to the point of self inflicted death. (I’m also a biker so the threat of death is ever present anyway.)

Anything people think of me or feel because of my actions are irrelevant in the moment of contemplation. Sitting here several days later and slightly recovered I feel like I could never leave my pregnant wife behind and put that kind of sorrow on my family but at the time, in the moment, still only a handful of days ago, none of that mattered and I was certain I didn’t care.
 
Back