Depression and Anxiety Thread

[MatskiMonk]

I’m trying to not let something bother me - the fact that I’ve always been told that I’m smart and that I’d be a great bf, but I’ve never had a gf. I’m also still a virgin and I hear some women prefer men with more experience. So I try not to let it bother me, but I turn 30 in late March, so sometimes I feel really self-conscious about my situation. I’m not fat nor ugly, and I’ve tried the supposedly popular dating apps for over a year without getting any dates. It feels like my relatives just give me empty platitudes when I tell them that fact, like that they’re sure that whoever I find will think I’m a catch. I want to be more pro-active in finding someone - either for something casual or longer-term, as I just want the experience at this point - but I don’t know what to do. All I know is that I’ve had a fear of missing out for too long.

It feels like everyone my age is getting married or already has someone. What’s left for me? Bitter divorcees? Single mothers? And otherwise damaged women who have far more baggage than me? No, I feel like I deserve someone better, and I’m not going to settle. You can call me “entitled,” but I’m just tired of missing out, and I want the experience. Other people always tell me that I’m handsome, smart, and nice - so the only reason I’ve never had a gf, I think, is a simple lack of trying. Otherwise, I don’t have any excuses for myself as to why I don’t have a gf. But I just don’t know what to do, exactly, even though I’m clearly motivated. I wish dating apps actually worked for me, they feel so broken. Getting an escort isn’t an option for me, either - it’s not in my budget.

I want sex and I want it yesterday! Why do I never feel like I’m good enough to get that?! It’s not as if I was told it was like, the best thing in the world for all my life, dammit! I’m so tired of being told that dating, online or not, is a numbers game. I’m almost 30, I don’t have time to pull the lever of life’s slot machine until I win the jackpot.

I feel seriously tempted sometimes to just get a RealDoll and cuddle with it, pretending it’s my gf.

Some points, just my two cents....

1) The people telling you, 'you are a nice guy and deserve a girlfriend' aren't doing so from the point of view of being a sexual partner, and they're probably too nice to point out any major flaws anyway.

2) Using whatever metrics people judge potential sexual partners by, you are looking for a 7, 8 or 9 out of 10, but are likely only a 4, 5 or 6 yourself on the scale of the people you are looking for. You will be frustrated and desperate until you accept this, and potential sex partners don't like frustrated and desperate, unless it brings out your wallet and they happen to be earnin' money that way.

3) Bitter divorcees and 'damaged' women you might want to avoid, but you need to get over the single mother thing. Not only are you are limiting the possibilities, but also you're ruling out a lot of more open-minded, less self important, more worldly women. Get used to being alone... desperation and frustration represent the lack of experience you think will be a turn off for potential partners.

5) The best some people get is average, this is true in all aspects of life. Make peace with the idea you might be in that segment of the population, and you'll probably see more opportunities present themselves.

6) You can get sex, without paying for it, you're just choosing to avoid avenues that are less appealing to you... open up these avenues, it will propel you forward.

 

[Brett]

To add to that, you are going to have to put in effort if you want a meaningful relationship. If all you want is sex, then by all means have at it. Sex is more than what you are presenting it as. There are strings attached. I would advise you that just having sex will not fulfill what you are looking for.

One thing putting in effort means is your appearance. I am not talking about your face or body shape. How you dress and present yourself matters. You do not need to stand out with your dress, but people do notice poorly fitting clothes. They also notice hygiene. Taking care of yourself signals that you are not a man child. No one wants to date a man child, much less have sex with them. Ain't nobody got time for that!

Having the attitude of not settling puts you on the wrong foot. It comes off extremely negative. It also sets you up with a poor attitude towards potential partners. People will notice that negativity and most will run away; the ones that do not run away are probably the ones you really want to avoid.

You are looking for a partner. Those come in all kinds of shapes, sizes, appearances, etc. With the attitude of settling, you might think someone is beneath you, skip past them, and miss out on an awesome person. All you are doing with that attitude is setting yourself up for failure.

Lastly, no one owes you anything. Dating someone and sharing your time with them is a two way street. Value your time, but also value the other person's time. If one of two people is not equally invested, then what do you expect the other to do? Sit there and pull the other? That is not how it works in a healthy relationship.

 

[MIE1992]

I think my biggest problem is that I don’t know where to find all the single women, whether they’re attractive or not. Especially when dating apps imply that there’s nobody in my area. I can’t afford to move, either. I still live with my parents because I can’t afford an apartment yet. I’ve been working cruddy part-time retail jobs since I graduated college six years ago, but I did recently interview for a job that could change that situation.

But sometimes I’m not convinced I have anything really to offer in a relationship, and that deep down, I just want someone to pay attention to me. For someone outside my family to care about me. I want someone I can brag about to my friends, really. I also admit I’m insecure on multiple levels, and I fear that I’m convinced that getting into a relationship is the only way to fix some of these personal insecurities.

I also believe my family and friends when they compliment me - they’ve never had a reason to lie about things like that. They all are the sort of people who call me out on my flaws if/when I display them.

I also posted a photo of myself in another thread, here’s how I look, fwiw:

 

[Brett]

I think my biggest problem is that I don’t know where to find all the single women, whether they’re attractive or not. Especially when dating apps imply that there’s nobody in my area. I can’t afford to move, either. I still live with my parents because I can’t afford an apartment yet. I’ve been working cruddy part-time retail jobs since I graduated college six years ago, but I did recently interview for a job that could change that situation.

But sometimes I’m not convinced I have anything really to offer in a relationship, and that deep down, I just want someone to pay attention to me. For someone outside my family to care about me. I want someone I can brag about to my friends, really. I also admit I’m insecure on multiple levels, and I fear that I’m convinced that getting into a relationship is the only way to fix some of these personal insecurities.

I also believe my family and friends when they compliment me - they’ve never had a reason to lie about things like that. They all are the sort of people who call me out on my flaws if/when I display them.

I also posted a photo of myself in another thread, here’s how I look, fwiw:

I was very fortunate and found someone fairly quickly through Tinder. I am definitely not going to say that even with my mostly short dating time that it did not frustrate me at any point because it absolutely did. It was an emotional roller coaster prior to finding and even dating my partner. Hell, it still is nearly seven years later, but I am a better person for it.

It has made me reflect often. It has made me realize that I need to work on myself and grow as a person. I needed to and still need to better understand and grasp my thoughts and emotions. It made me better understand that being able to effectively communicate what is going on is very important. It helps build a deeper bond.

It is okay to want another's attention. But definitely return the favor and listen to the other person's feelings and emotions also. Remember it is a two way street; both people in the relationship are important and valuable.

It took time, but I also eventually realized that it is okay to be vulnerable. It can hurt to open up, be vulnerable with someone, and them step all over that vulnerability. It is also okay to feel hurt; it means you are human. But you have to willing to share yourself with someone else. It is a partnership. It will be a give and take, but you will also want to give and take.

It is also okay to be insecure, so long as you are trying to work on it. It will not be easy either to "fix" those insecurities; the brain has a wonderful way of trying to convince you otherwise. And as soon as you feel secure about one thing, another insecurity will creep in; brains sure are awesome.

Remember that part about communication though? Those insecurities are something that you can share with another. Not in a negative way expecting them to fix them because that does not work, but in an expressive way that shows you can be vulnerable. The person you share with can certainly help on the fixing, but ultimately, it is up to you to address your shortcomings.

Also, your confidence will build as you try to work on yourself and address those insecurities. It feels good to take care of yourself. Slowly, but surely, you will become more comfortable with yourself. However, do not rest on your laurels. You have to continue putting in the effort and it will be difficult, but that is also part of life.

You are an attractive fellow. You just need to work on polishing the rough edges. None of it will be easy, but working towards being the best version of yourself is worth it.

I will also say it is also okay to be single. We should not stigmatize people for not being in a relationship, a virgin, or whatever thing it is that people needlessly perceive as negative. Not everyone experiences life in the same way. It is okay to go through life differently; having different experiences is part of the fun.

 

[MIE1992]

I think my largest problem is that I just don’t know where to find all the single women. It feels like whenever I talk to a woman and try asking for her number, she ends up telling me she has a bf. But I do have a couple friends that might know some other women, so I think they could help me. I just want attention.

It’s especially frustrating when it comes to dating apps, because I get this impression that there’s all these attractive single women that don’t want me for reasons I’ll never know. I’m fortunate to even get a match, let alone a response from someone. So I’ve never been on a date, either, let alone with a woman I’ve met online.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just give up and try wasting a ton of my money on a Russian mail-order bride. I’d sincerely consider it if I didn’t think that the people who actually do that are losers. Not that I’d end up in a real relationship if I did that, anyway - I see mail-order brides as glorified prostitutes, pretending to be interested in various men for economic benefit. If I got one, people would see me as being a genuine loser who’s failed to find true love, and has had to resort to a largely transactional relationship.

 

[HenrySwanson]

I think my largest problem is that I just don’t know where to find all the single women. It feels like whenever I talk to a woman and try asking for her number, she ends up telling me she has a bf. But I do have a couple friends that might know some other women, so I think they could help me. I just want attention.

It’s especially frustrating when it comes to dating apps, because I get this impression that there’s all these attractive single women that don’t want me for reasons I’ll never know. I’m fortunate to even get a match, let alone a response from someone. So I’ve never been on a date, either, let alone with a woman I’ve met online.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just give up and try wasting a ton of my money on a Russian mail-order bride. I’d sincerely consider it if I didn’t think that the people who actually do that are losers. Not that I’d end up in a real relationship if I did that, anyway - I see mail-order brides as glorified prostitutes, pretending to be interested in various men for economic benefit. If I got one, people would see me as being a genuine loser who’s failed to find true love, and has had to resort to a largely transactional relationship.

Which dating apps have you tried?

 

[MIE1992]

Which dating apps have you tried?

Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, OKCupid, and CoffeeMeetsBagel. I’ve tried some of them for over a year, too, and I never got a single date. I want to say it’s my location, but then again, I’m a simple train ride away from NYC/Boston, and less than an hour’s drive to the two major cities in my state, not to mention one or two major cities to the east of me over in Rhode Island.

I’ve convinced myself the whole “online dating” thing is just a big grift, anyway. After all, most (though not literally all) apps are owned by MatchGroup, which is publicly-traded. It’s actually not in their best interest for people to find fulfilling relationships, because that would mean people getting off the apps. They make more money when people get tried and frustrated, and then buy proposed solutions like “boosts” or “super-likes” which likely won’t help at all, anyway.

EDIT: On a very but not entirely un-related note, I feel so glad I had decided within the last few months to be more withdrawn from social media. I feel much more content in specialized forums like here at GTP, or even in Discord channels.

 

[FA_Hayes]

@MIE1992 FWIW. I'm 47. After two failed relationships I met my now wife in 2015 on Ok cupid, and most of my friends tend to think it's a better platform. Neither of us have children as well. I wasn't opposed to kids depending on the situation. I played step dad in a previous relationship that wasn't all that great.

Maybe it was luck of timing but our relationship is pretty great and our match was in the high 90 percent range iirc.

 

[W3H5]

I’ve got friends that met on dating services and have been going strong for years. I’ve not tried myself as I’ve always be fortunate with meeting women but if I was single I think I’d probably prefer to join social groups and clubs to meet people.

 

[MIE1992]

@MIE1992 FWIW. I'm 47. After two failed relationships I met my now wife in 2015 on Ok cupid, and most of my friends tend to think it's a better platform. Neither of us have children as well. I wasn't opposed to kids depending on the situation. I played step dad in a previous relationship that wasn't all that great.

Maybe it was luck of timing but our relationship is pretty great and our match was in the high 90 percent range iirc.

When did you meet? Like, what year?

I’ve got friends that met on dating services and have been going strong for years. I’ve not tried myself as I’ve always be fortunate with meeting women but if I was single I think I’d probably prefer to join social groups and clubs to meet people.

What year did you friends say they met someone?

I mostly ask this because I've observed there being a massive impact on what year you were using online dating. It seems that as time goes on, the system - regardless of app - gets exponentially worse. I'd be amazed if, between the two of you, you knew anyone who met in 2020 or later.

I have an additional hypothesis. Another thing that happens as time goes on, is that more uncouth men join the apps, drive away the women using the apps with their antics, causing more men to get desperate and act as such since there ends up being less women on the apps, causing a cycle. Eventually, I hypothesize that almost everyone on the dating apps will either be a man, a scammer, or in the tiniest minority, an incredibly desperate woman who leaves a lot to be desired for one reason or another. (EDIT: And also women who are exploiting the audience of the apps to shill their social media accounts, whether it's OnlyFans, SnapChat, or Instagram.)

But it won't matter because the apps will keep making money off of desperate men, increasing shareholder value. Nobody will suspect a thing. It's almost the perfect crime.

 

[W3H5]

What year did you friends say they met someone?

IIRC they met around 5 to 6 years ago. Could have been more, but it’s not something I committed to hard memory.

 

[MIE1992]

IIRC they met around 5 to 6 years ago. Could have been more, but it’s not something I committed to hard memory.

Bingo. Every time. It's always over three years ago, no matter who I ask.

EDIT: On OKCupid, only about 1/8 or so accounts I swipe right on are even active. The rest never get that green light next to their name.

 

[W3H5]

Bingo. Every time. It's always over three years ago, no matter who I ask.

EDIT: On OKCupid, only about 1/8 or so accounts I swipe right on are even active. The rest never get that green light next to their name.

Is it not possible for you to try IRL contact. There must be some kind of hobby or interest you have that has groups in your area. Or even if you just attend a few bars and hang out to watch sport, you might meet somebody by accident.

 

[MIE1992]

Is it not possible for you to try IRL contact. There must be some kind of hobby or interest you have that has groups in your area. Or even if you just attend a few bars and hang out to watch sport, you might meet somebody by accident.

Funny you should mention IRL contact. I've actually been part of a social MeetUp group since summer 2020, and I haven't met anyone yet, but there's this guy I think I'm gonna stay in touch with, since it seems like he knows a lot of people. He introduced me to this woman who seemed friendly, but ultimately wanted to focus more on her work. Still, this guy - and a couple others - seem like they could help me out in that way.

I suppose I just was hoping online dating would provide a nice way to have an additional way of meeting people. It's so frustrating when you see all these headlines from the last year or two, saying that online dating is bigger than ever, and yet my experience could not differ more. It's a ghost town. Maybe it really is "bigger than ever" - by revenue or market capital, build on the backs of desperate men trapped within a completely unsustainable ecosystem. Said ecosystem being the male/female ratio within the apps, that is.

In the next decade, I could see online dating crashing badly if it doesn't do the following things:
1. Automatically delete inactive accounts after a certain period of inactivity.
2. Take more effort to ban those who are just there to shill their OF/SC/IG.
3. Get more women to join. I don't care how, just do it.
4. Have verification mandatory on all apps. AFAIK Tinder and Bumble are the only ones to even have it as an option.

It also doesn't help that most apps are owned by MatchGroup, which isn't just publicly-traded, but also has been in some hot water with the FTC.

EDIT: Here's a very recent article from Medium that agrees with me, for what that's worth.

 

[FA_Hayes]

When did you meet? Like, what year?

2015, like I said in my post.

 

[MIE1992]

2015, like I said in my post.

And there you go. Beyond a friend of mine who did indeed meet a woman off Hinge in the last year, every single time I hear about someone meeting another person online, it's three or more years ago. Something changed - and for the much, much worse, too.

 

[JohnBM01]

I read something online recently linking depression to dehydration. If you don't drink enough water, there is a chance you become more depressed if depressed. Perhaps more reason to stay hydrated.

 

[JohnBM01]

I hope you all continue to try to keep your happiness up and hopes up regardless of what is going on in our world. Hopefully you all are doing well.

 

[JohnBM01]

You know, I just thought of what I really wanted to say prior to my last post. I guess the root of my depression has been thinking about how everything seems so negative and not much being offered in making life happy or prosperous. So when I look back on my life and looking into my current situation, I realize just how much mental pain I have endured. I just think too many things bring us down and not a lot to lift us up. Some of my pain even experienced being online. These include things like feeling I lost some of the ones online I felt were good friends, having to unfollow social media profiles and streamers whom I felt wronged by and no longer considered relevant or "cool." Also, not many of us are willing to disclose details of our pain. That, I think makes dealing with depression worse. Bottling in your emotions and feelings only hurts you on the inside. That's why I set out long ago to come up with this thread as a means of not only sharing our pain from depression (and now anxiety), but also work towards offering hope. None of us are disappointments just because we have certain mental health issues. We really need to stop beating people up over things like this. Like, are we disappointments because we let depression and negativity run our lives? Anything to help make times better and feel like we have a chance in life are vastly appreciated.


As always, don't let depression or anxiety win.

 

[Wolfe]

I'm not sure why I keep coming back to GTP. There's almost no discussion anymore on subjects I'd like to talk about or games I enjoy, and I no longer even visit a few subforums I used to read because they're depressing and I must self-censor my point of view within them. I'm only marginally welcome here, among a minority of members who still represent what I always believed GTPlanet to be (you guys rock). I've noted the bridges I've burned, without knowing what exactly I did or in what period of time it occurred. It's too concrete to be a psychological distortion.

In therapy, I've been instructed to work on embracing who I am without shame -- which will not be conducive to getting along with people I rub the wrong way. I know what I am to people, and I've spent my adult life trying to reprogram my outward behavior to compensate. Metaphorically, I am a wolf. I belong on the fringe.

The last two years have been the climax of a lifelong affliction, plus the human madness out beyond the surroundings of our quiet friendly village (a detail I try to remember). Things aren't going good, and things aren't looking good. There sure is a lot of crap going around, @JohnBM01, and I can't believe how bitter people are to each other these days. It's indisputable by this point that we've moved way beyond the standard antagonism and bickering that was always a part of communicating online, going back to the 1980s. We're in a pandemic of mental/emotional illness that predates COVID-19.

It's just difficult to handle when you depended upon talking online as a source of connection and belonging, with a lack of the face-to-face equivalent.

 

[W3H5]

I'm not sure why I keep coming back to GTP.

I’ve had that thought myself numerous times over the many years I’ve been here. An odd feeling like the community would rather see the back of me. Usually I dismiss thoughts like this as I care little what most people think and continue to live in my own little bubble. But a low points I start to doubt everything and become very sensitive.

Ultimately, there are a few quality threads on this forum that I’d rather not be without, even if I’m just sitting on the sidelines and not getting involved, if I’m getting some enjoyment from it I’ll keep frequenting.

It’s so easy to say the wrong thing regarding ones points of view and sometimes it just not worth getting involved and starve the trolls. If you’re talking about what I think you are, then it isn’t just GTP that’s changed in that way, it’s fully across the board.

 

[phillgt2002]

@Wolfe
@W3H5

I think about why I'm on GTP as well.

I think the main reason why I come back here is because the forum isn't so politically charged. Sure, there's arguments in the politics sections, and people are nearly passing out death threats in the GT7 and Assetto Corsa threads , but that negativity rarely steps out of there.

Lastly, there's this really interesting old dad humor that's I only find here, just very dry and sometimes politically incorrect.

 

[W3H5]

@Wolfe
@W3H5

I think about why I'm on GTP as well.

I think the main reason why I come back here is because the forum isn't so politically charged.

I agree. It’s easy enough to stay away from major political issues outside of the Current Events forum. It’s obvious that some of the conflict there is starting to spill over to other areas, however, if we pay it no heed there’s no need for anyone to get their knickers in a twist, whichever way we lean.

These things come and go but the site stays solid. There was a time when ponies and tables caused a mini-war*. We’re here to discuss cars, racing and why breakfast cereal is a soup and why the *orange ball is all you need in life.

*see The Lore of GTP by @Daniel.

 

[Brett]

I stick around GTP because I have been here for a big chunk of my life. I have not played a Gran Turismo game since GT4--maybe a brief bit of GT5 at the beginning, though I hardly remember if I actually did--and will probably not play on again unless the games come to PC. Instead, I am still around because there are people here that I like to see their opinions on things. I do not venture much outside of threads that I have been posting in for years or have been following for years.

Another thing that has kept me around is the way the AUP was implemented early on in the life of GTP. It has kept the site from turning into a toxic cesspool. People generally remain respectful. It has also forced me to examine my own opinions and postings more than I probably would have otherwise; that self reflection is not a bad thing. More of the internet needs an AUP.

 

[Wolfe]

I agree. It’s easy enough to stay away from major political issues outside of the Current Events forum. It’s obvious that some of the conflict there is starting to spill over to other areas, however, if we pay it no heed there’s no need for anyone to get their knickers in a twist, whichever way we lean.

I'm relieved you agree the spillover is obvious, because I have become too sensitive to assess it impartially. My observation: habits that once were more contained to O&CE have become bad habits across the site -- eroding the choice to avoid them. Friendly disagreement is a tougher target to hit. When I mentioned self-censoring, I meant everything. More than ever, dissent attracts arrogant & rude interrogations of your opinions and beliefs that may not be earnestly relevant to the discussion, as well as dog-piling, humiliation, or presumptions of motive or affiliation. Over videogames, or cars.

I'm not programmed to survive this social climate. It has left me without support, or camaraderie in shared interests -- GTP was all I had. I've tried branching out to other places, but they're more vicious and fickle, obviously. It's no easy feat to replace what's been lost. It's not GTP's fault for losing it. (Feeling obligated to clarify that in a hopeless attempt to avoid ruffling any feathers is case-in-point! "GtPlAnEt IsN't ReSpOnSiBlE fOr ThIs..." 👆)

I am totally exhausted with everything, the future looks hopeless in spite of all the rational de-catastrophization I've thrown at it for years, and I'm effectively on my own. I'm torn apart by an innate desire for community and belonging, and repulsion from the sorts of "community" I am offered. I'm torn by a desire for more friendship, and exhaustion in the face of the necessary effort required. I'm damaged, broken, defeated, and getting nowhere with whatever advice I try.

My best hope is that I am at least putting into words what some others have been struggling with themselves.

 

[W3H5]

That’s a deep take.

The side-taking has become common throughout all aspects of life for me, from work to social, to the point where I don’t even engage in small talk with colleagues anymore to avoid the inevitable arguments that come of it.

I’ve found that keeping to myself is the best thing I can do. Many of my hobbies can be done solo and outside of my family I rarely engage in debate. Even talking about subjects such as movies or music these days can lead to some negative generalisations.

It’s easy for me to say it, it’s harder in practise, but don’t feed the trolls.

If I was to voice a fraction of my opinions on any given subject I’d get jumped upon by the naysayers. By avoiding discussing it openly I remain unprovoked.

 

[Wolfe]

@W3H5 -- Your wise strategy has worked pretty well for me until recently, but repeated losses of trust and all the ceded ground have made it challenging.

 

[W3H5]

Anyone get on a downer when your idols die?

As a fan of grunge I’ve been used to the ODs and suicides but something about Chester Bennington’s death hit me pretty hard.

Chris Cornell, Layne Stanley and Cobain all put me in a bad place but something about Chester really hit home.

To this day I feel numb (no pun intended) when I watch his last recorded interview.

Chris Cornell also knocked me through a loop.

So sad watching these people that explain life as I feel it succumb to the ultimate thing that they battled so hard against.

One poignant notion of the Chester Bennington case was that no suicide note was left. Some people put it down to the fact that his whole discography was a suicide note. When you listen to his work this seem to be depressingly true.

 

[lbpomg95]

Anyone get on a downer when your idols die?

As a fan of grunge I’ve been used to the ODs and suicides but something about Chester Bennington’s death hit me pretty hard.

Chris Cornell, Layne Stanley and Cobain all put me in a bad place but something about Chester really hit home.

To this day I feel numb (no pun intended) when I watch his last recorded interview.

Chris Cornell also knocked me through a loop.

So sad watching these people that explain life as I feel it succumb to the ultimate thing that they battled so hard against.

One poignant notion of the Chester Bennington case was that no suicide note was left. Some people put it down to the fact that his whole discography was a suicide note. When you listen to his work this seem to be depressingly true.

Both his and Cornell's lyrics seem to have more meaning now they're both gone. Soundgarden's my favourite band so Cornell hit me very hard.

 

[W3H5]

Both his and Cornell's lyrics seem to have more meaning now they're both gone. Soundgarden's my favourite band so Cornell hit me very hard.

My fandom was for Audioslave, that’s not to say that I didn’t enjoy Soundgarden.
As a father I really struggle to find logic in those actions. Not denying that I’ve had a pop at suicide a few time myself, but I always come around because of my daughter.

Cornell shocked me. Bennington devastated me.

With Fell On Black Days it was apparent that Cornell was in a bad place. With Bennington I thought it was just an outlet in the music. Never thought it would get so far.