My plants are called Robert (Plant) and Jimmy.... I had once a bonsai tree called Bonham, but it died.... choked on it's own sap.
Bizarrely, I really did have a bonsai tree, and I killed it by over-feeding it... I went through what I now call,
'The 5 Stages of Bonsai Ownership'
1.
The Proud New Father Phase - tidy the entire room, and clear a space on the mantlepiece, and the bonsai takes pride of place amongst your possessions. You are now the proud owner of a living thing, and you decide to abandon technical gadgetry from now on and opt for a cleaner, greener life. Open the window for some fresh air, and let the sunlight stream in...
2.
The Mr. Miyagi Phase - Once the tree has settled in, it's time to buy yourself a little pair of scissors and start trimming your bush. With zen-like concentration, you set about pruning the tiny leaves, not really knowing what you are doing (or why), but your inner Miyagi will see you right.
3.
The Bonsai Master - After the initial novelty has worn off slightly, and the clearing has become a little more cluttered again, you bask in the knowledge that you don't actually need to feed the tree every day, or prune it to bare wood again. You trust your accumulated knowledge (from the homepage of
www.bonsaitrees.co.uk that you printed out a few months ago) and let the forces of nature do their work.
4.
The Autumn Years - Bonsai tree leaves scatter the ground, the dry soil making you thirsty just looking at it - you realise that the trouble of maintaining a healthy bonsai tree is more than you bargained for. Mother Nature has given you the finger, and even the snooty guy at the bonsai shop has run out of ideas, and you are alone with your tree, as it's vital signs gradually ebb away.
5.
Denial - Congrats. You've reached the end - just 6 months since you got the tree for your birthday, it is now leafless and dead. You can't bear to look at it, so you stick it out in the back garden next to the rubbish bins and hope to erase from your memory the fact that you ever had a bonsai tree. The occassional leaf turns up to remind you of your wanton act of vegicide. You will never own a bonsai tree again.
)
...I actually liked bonsais for a while. My uncle had one but he went out on vacation for two weeks and when he came back the plague had already killed the bonsai.
