Jokes!!

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Did you hear about the hitman that killed a cow with a snowglobe? Reports say it was the first ever Knick Knack Paddy Wack!



Yeah, that was bad...
 
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My wife told me I was a fool to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.

Edit: More! (Including the pasta car one again)

1. Just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.
2. Bought a litre of Tipp-Ex yesterday. Huge mistake.
3. I've started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof.
4. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
5. I tried to catch some fog today but I mist.
6. I bought a dog from my local blacksmith. When I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
7. Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. Laughed more than I thought.
8. Just watched a wildlife documentary on beavers. Best dam programme I've seen in a long time.
9. Jokes about German sausage are the Wurst.
10. I was trying to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend today, but she kept taking things literally.
11. I stole a rabbit today. Then I had to make a run for it.
12. A woman told me she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore
13. Just got a job playing triangle in a reggae band. I stand at the back and ting.
14. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
15. My wife told me I was a fool to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.
16. Just watched a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting.
17. I used to have a problem where I couldn’t stop naming classic American sitcoms, but I’m over it now. Happy Days.
18. My wife's working in a bowling alley.
Ten pin?
No, permanent.
19. Police just caught a man stealing 50 helium balloons. They had to let him go.
20. How do you approach an angry Welsh cheese? Caerphilly.
21. Jokes about opticians just get cornea and cornea.
22. A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
23. I was walking the dogs the other day when all of a sudden they vanished into thin air. Not sure where they went, but I've got some leads.
24. Did you know that owls can't breed in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
25. When my wife told me I had to stop impersonating a flamingo, I decided to put my foot down
26. Dad: I’ve just been diagnosed with Tom Jones syndrome.
Mum: Is it common?
Dad: It's Not Unusual
27. My wife asked me if I could please stop singing 'Wonderwall'. I said maybe.
 
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I have a new one of my own creation. It would be nice to know if the intended angle comes across.....

How many of me does it take to change a light bulb?

I have no idea.
 
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This year's top 15 jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe:

---

"My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart" - Masai Graham

"Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…" - Stuart Mitchell

"I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" - Mark Watson

"Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit" - Mark
Smith

"I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" - Will Duggan

"Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated" - Tiff Stevenson

"I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words" - Gary Delaney

"Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" - Adele Cliff

"Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath

"Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask" - Jordan Brookes

"Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first" - Michelle Wolf

"I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift

"Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer" - Arthur Smith

"I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses" - Zoe Lyons

"Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word" - Phil Nicol

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I think the contact lense one is the best.
 
Jeez, some of those are awful... Mark Watson's one is also as old as the hills and is not as good as the version my Dad has used in the past... "I've been happily married for 10 years.... the other 30 have been hell"
 
When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in Mexico last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.

If you tell a girl you like her but she says, "I love you more like a brother", suggest a weekend in Norfolk. Unless you're from Norfolk, in which case it probably is your sister.
Has anyone else seen those incredibly powerful advertisements in cinemas where each time a famous person clicked their fingers an African child dies? I watched those and couldn't help thinking: "Stop clicking your fingers".
You should never work with animals or children. And that's not more true when in porn.
 
Three guys were working up on a mobile phone tower:
Cooter, Ray and Rick.
As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ray says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.'
Rick says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ray says, 'Where did you get that beer, Rick?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Rick replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Rick says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."'
She said, 'You must be mistaken... I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are...'

Some guys are good at that sensitive stuff.
 
At the bar the other night, I overheard three very hefty women talking.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, 'Hello, are you three bony lassies from Scotland?"
One of them screeched: "It's Wales, Wales, you idiot!"
So I apologised and replied: "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"
And that's the last thing I remember.
 
Pete05
At the bar the other night, I overheard three very hefty women talking.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, 'Hello, are you three bony lassies from Scotland?"
One of them screeched: "It's Wales, Wales, you idiot!"
So I apologised and replied: "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"
And that's the last thing I remember.
Click to expand...
Hmm, didn't take offense to being called famous tv dogs though?
 

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