Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,663 comments
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- 1,282
- Kidlington
- GC255
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large-breasted crab?
One's a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
One's a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
- 27,163
- United Kingdom
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's really time consuming.
- 27,163
- United Kingdom
You can tell how heavy your chili pepper is if you give it a weigh give it a weigh give it a weigh now.
- 5,141
- Nicest part of hell
What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside
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What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
The tick falls off when you're dead!
The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside
____________________________________
What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
The tick falls off when you're dead!
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- 84,409
- Rule 12
- GTP_Famine
Dutifully stolen
- 27,163
- United Kingdom
To be fair I nicked it myself.Dutifully stolen
- 6,515
- Southampton
- RacingAtHome
I went to a comedy gig at a place called WiFi. My jokes weren't that good but I still got a fantastic reception. I can't remember if it was anything to do with being a virgin or something to do with oxygen. At least that's what the front desk told me.
- 29,588
- Thailand
Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings, has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote.
General Secretary Abdullah Aloud Bang told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Aisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to Rosie O'Donnell. Many Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.
The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings, has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote.
General Secretary Abdullah Aloud Bang told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Aisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to Rosie O'Donnell. Many Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.
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- 27,163
- United Kingdom
- 7,574
- Horbury, West Yorkshire
- GTP_Sprite
If I had a pet newt I'd call him Tiny.
He'd be my newt...
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What did the policeman say to his body armour?
You are under a vest
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A farmer is in his big machinery barn one day doing a striptease when the farmhand walks in catching him in the act.
"What the heck!?" exclaims the farmhand.
"Oh!" replies the farmer, looking quite embarrassed. "Thing is, Mrs Farmer and I haven't been getting on recently so my therapist advised I should do something sexy to a tractor."
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When my wife said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face.
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He'd be my newt...
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What did the policeman say to his body armour?
You are under a vest
------------
A farmer is in his big machinery barn one day doing a striptease when the farmhand walks in catching him in the act.
"What the heck!?" exclaims the farmhand.
"Oh!" replies the farmer, looking quite embarrassed. "Thing is, Mrs Farmer and I haven't been getting on recently so my therapist advised I should do something sexy to a tractor."
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When my wife said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face.
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