Jokes!!

Discussion in 'The Rumble Strip' started by DQuaN, Apr 22, 2004.

  1. tabs

    tabs

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    A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a cop. Being a typical lawyer, he thinks he is smarter than the cop so he decides to have some fun at the cop’s expense.

    Cop says, "License and registration, please."

    Lawyer says, "What for?"

    Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

    Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

    Cop says, "Exactly! License and registration, please."

    Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

    Cop says, "The difference is the law says you have to come to a full and complete stop. License and registration, please!"

    Lawyer says, "I’ll make you a deal. If you can show me the legal difference between slowdown and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not you let me go and no ticket."

    Cop says, "Certainly. Exit your vehicle, sir."

    At this point, the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer. All the while, the cop kept saying...

    "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?!"
     
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  2. livemusic

    livemusic Premium

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    It´s funny, but I usually just slow down either.
     
  3. JFM92_GTRacer

    JFM92_GTRacer

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    haha, that is funny! LoL, nice one!
     
  4. livemusic

    livemusic Premium

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    A woman preagnent of triplets was in the bank. Suddendly a mug enters and shots her three times, hitting the three babies. Like it always happens in unfunny jokes, the woman and her babies survive.

    Eleven years later, one of the children comes to her and says: - Mom, mom, I was in the bathroom peeing and a bullet came out of my penis. So, the mother tells him the bank story.

    A couple of days later the other son runs to her and says: - Mom, mom! I was in the bathroom peeing when a bullet came out of my penis. She tells him the bank story too. Soon after that, the third son comes yelling: Mom, mom!

    - I know, I know! She says. - You were peeing and a bullet came out of your penis, right?
    - No! I was masturbating and killed the maid!
     
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  5. F1GTR

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    Whoa, he must've been really jerking it out!
     
  6. Lee

    Lee Premium

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  7. Small_Fryz

    Small_Fryz Premium

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    This is probably on the boarderline of what is allowed. Please remove if its over the line.

    Rules of Bedroom Golf

    1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.
    2. Play must be permitted by the owner of the hole.
    3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
    4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
    5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
    6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
    7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well-formed bunkers.
    8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Angry course owners have been known to damage players' equipment for this reason.
    9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
    10. Players should ensure that the match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
    11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
    12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole.
    13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
    14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
    15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.



    Rooster in His Declining Years

    An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new **** from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird.
    "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."
    Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy.
    "You're on," he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!"
    So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little -- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
    "Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
     
  8. Funkshen

    Funkshen

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  9. Gen.

    Gen.

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    :lol: Omg.. haha...
     
  10. kranzx

    kranzx

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    may be old for some of you, i just came accross it and they are quite good:

    Disorder In The Court

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ___________________________

    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
    WITNESS: July 18th.
    ATTORNEY: What year?
    WITNESS: Every year.
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
    WITNESS: Forty-five years.
    ____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan.
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ___________________________________
    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
    _______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Uh....
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.


    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Huh?
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
     
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  11. DQuaN

    DQuaN Premium

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    :lol::tup:

    Fan-bloody-tastic! :lol:
     
  12. Jedi2016

    Jedi2016

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    The funniest bit of that last one is that most of the stupid comments are made by the lawyers.. :)
     
  13. livemusic

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  14. Small_Fryz

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    :lol: :tup: :lol: brilliant!
     
  15. amp88

    amp88

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    Great stuff :tup:
     
  16. F1GTR

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    :lol:
    Brilliant :tup:
     
  17. Danny

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    LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT
    MORNING.
    I

    WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND
    SAY,
    "HAPPY
    BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME.

    AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY
    BIRTHDAY."

    I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL
    REMEMBER. MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD.

    SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND
    SOMEWHAT
    DESPONDENT.

    AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY, JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING,

    BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST
    SOMEONE
    HAD
    REMEMBERED.

    I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND
    SAID,
    "YOU
    KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY,
    LET'S
    GO OUT
    TO
    LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."

    I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY.
    LET'S GO!"

    WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE
    DINED
    INSTEAD
    AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH
    AND I
    ENJOYED
    THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY.

    ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A
    BEAUTIFUL
    DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"
    I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?"
    SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."
    AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS,
    IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT.
    I'LL BE RIGHT BACK." "OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.
    SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME
    OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND

    DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".

    AND I JUST SAT THERE...

    ON THE COUCH...
    NAKED.


    Copied and pasted straight from an email I got.

    I got rid of the arrows on the side, but I can't be bother sorting out the paragraphs.
     
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  18. livemusic

    livemusic Premium

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    I´ve read this one a while ago, but it was in Portuguese and it was a woman instead of a man.

    Pretty funny.
     
  19. Lee

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    Thats fairly funny
     
  20. McLaren

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    I'll have to tell that one. :lol:
     
  21. kranzx

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    A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.
    "Silver," she said.

    "Why not gold?"

    "Be nice if you'd come second for once!"
     
  22. PS

    PS (Banned)

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    The inventor of Harley-Davidson Motorcycle Co. Arthur Davidson died, and went to heaven.

    At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven. "

    Arthur thought about it for a minute and said,

    "I want to hang out with God."

    St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

    God recognised Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

    Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

    God said, "Well what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

    Arthur was apparently embarassed, but finally said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

    God said "Yes."

    "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

    1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
    2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
    3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
    4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust;
    5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

    "Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

    God went to his Clestial Supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

    "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention that yours."
     
  23. VT

    VT

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    :lol: That was a good one.
     
  24. emad

    emad

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    ^^ awesome :lol:
     
  25. Small_Fryz

    Small_Fryz Premium

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    Heard it before but its still great :tup:
     
  26. VIPFREAK

    VIPFREAK (Banned)

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  27. MagpieRacer

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    :lol: quality
     
  28. Crash

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    :lol: Haha nice joke.
     
  29. skip0110

    skip0110

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    Didn't feel like starting a new thread....
    ---------------------------------
    Dan married one of a pair of identical twins. Less than a year later he was in court filing for a divorce.

    "Tell the court why you want a divorce," the judge said.

    "Well, Your Honor," Dan started, "every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are identical, sometimes I'd end up making love to her by mistake."

    "Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said.

    "Exactly, Your Honor. That's why I want the divorce!"


    ------------------------------------------------


    The NYPD, the FBI, & the CIA have engaged for years in serious competition to determine which organization is the most deft apprehended of criminals. The President, wanting to resolve the question once and for all, releases a rabbit into a forest and challenges each organization to utilize its best methods to bring the rabbit in to him.

    The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They place hidden microphones on all of the trees and motion detectors behind each rock. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

    The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies.... the rabbit had it coming.

    The NYPD goes in. A mere two hours later they come out leading a badly beaten bear by the ear. The bear is yelling: "OK, OK, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."


    -----------------------------------------------


    A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill. Just as he was starting down the equally steep other side, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the centre of the road, making wild and passionate love.

    In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. He realised that they were not going to stop or get out of his way,so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

    Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the front of the truck. He looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could have been killed!"

    Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver, obviously satisfied and not too concerned and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."


    ------------------------------------------------


    The 6th grade science teacher asked her class, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered for a long time until little Mary stood up, angry, and told the teacher that she should not be asking 6th graders a question like that. She was going to tell her parents, who would tell the principal, who would fire the teacher!
    The teacher ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
    Finally Billy stood up and said that the body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.
    The teacher said "Very good, Billy." Then she turned to Mary and said, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

    1) you have a dirty mind,

    2) you didn't read your homework,
    and

    3) one day you will be very, very disappointed."
     
  30. livemusic

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    I liked the NYPD one. :lol::tup: