Jokes!!

  • Thread starter DQuaN
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daan
You've typed it wrong. It's not spoiler="nutmeg", it's spoiler bracket nutmeg close spoiler like @polysmut wrote.
Click to expand...

Yep you are right. I've been on the other forum for CGC comic books too much lately! :lol:


Jerome
 
A Swede and a Finn are out walking. A man is walking from the other direction. As he passes, the Finn says, "Hello", and the man replies, "Hey".

The Swede asks, "Do you know that guy?"

The Finn answers, "Yeah, that's my brother. I haven't seen him in ten years."

/SocialDistancing
 
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
 
This one my grandpa told us this one basically every time we saw him.

Grandpa: I only drink on two occasions.
Me: Weddings and Funerals?
Grandpa: No, when I'm alone or with someone!


Jerome
 
Little Mary's father was typing away at his home computer, when she sneaked up behind him. Suddenly, she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"

"What is it?" her sister asked eagerly.

Proudly Little Mary replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"
 
Dear Diary:

Self-Isolation Quarantine Diary

Day 1 – I Can Do This!! Got enough food and wine to last a month!

Day 2 – Opening my 8th bottle of wine. I fear wine supplies might not last!

Day 3 – Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds. Who knew??

Day 4 – 8:00pm. Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas.

Day 5 – Today, I tried to make Hand Sanitizer. It came out as Jello Shots!!

Day 6 – I get to take the Garbage out. I’m So excited, I can’t decide what to wear.

Day 7 – Laughing way too much at my own jokes!!

Day 8 – Went to a new restaurant called “The Kitchen”. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have No clue how this place is still in business.

Day 9 – I put liquor bottles in every room. Tonight, I’m getting all dressed up and going Bar hopping.

Day 10 – Struck up a conversation with a Spider today. Seems nice. He’s a Web Designer.

Day 11 – Isolation is hard. I swear my fridge just said, “What the hell do you want now?”

Day 12 – I realized why dogs get so excited about something moving outside, going for walks or car rides. I think I just barked at a squirrel.

Day 13 – If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Day 14 – Watched the birds fight over a worm. The Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3–1.
 
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...
 
I heard a commotion outside, when I got out there, some cheeky so and so was on my driveway, siphoning petrol into my car!
 
1950'S VERSION OF AN E-MAIL

I HAVE NO IDEA WHO PUT THIS TOGETHER, BUT IT IS WONDERFUL....

LONG AGO AND FAR AWAY, IN A LAND THAT TIME FORGOT,
BEFORE THE DAYS OF DYLAN , OR THE DAWN OF CAMELOT.
THERE LIVED A RACE OF INNOCENTS, AND THEY WERE YOU AND ME,

FOR IKE WAS IN THE WHITE HOUSE IN THAT LAND WHERE WE WERE BORN,
WHERE NAVELS WERE FOR ORANGES, AND PEYTON PLACE WAS PORN.

WE LONGED FOR LOVE AND ROMANCE, AND WAITED FOR OUR PRINCE,
EDDIE FISHER MARRIED LIZ, AND NO ONE'S SEEN HIM SINCE.

WE DANCED TO 'LITTLE DARLIN,' AND SANG TO 'STAGGER LEE'
AND CRIED FOR BUDDY HOLLY IN THE LAND THAT MADE ME, ME.

ONLY GIRLS WORE EARRINGS THEN, AND 3 WAS ONE TOO MANY,
AND ONLY BOYS WORE FLAT-TOP CUTS, EXCEPT FOR JEAN MCKINNEY.

AND ONLY IN OUR WILDEST DREAMS DID WE EXPECT TO SEE
A BOY NAMED GEORGE WITH LIPSTICK, IN THE LAND THAT MADE ME, ME.

WE FELL FOR FRANKIE AVALON, ANNETTE WAS OH, SO NICE,
AND WHEN THEY MADE A MOVIE, THEY NEVER MADE IT TWICE..

WE DIDN'T HAVE A STAR TREK FIVE, OR PSYCHO TWO AND THREE,
OR ROCKY-RAMBO TWENTY IN THE LAND THAT MADE ME, ME.

MISS KITTY HAD A HEART OF GOLD, AND CHESTER HAD A LIMP,
AND REAGAN WAS A DEMOCRAT WHOSE CO-STAR WAS A CHIMP.

WE HAD A MR. WIZARD, BUT NOT A MR. T, AND OPRAH COULDN'T TALK YET,
IN THE LAND THAT MADE ME, ME.

WE HAD OUR SHARE OF HEROES, WE NEVER THOUGHT THEY'D GO,
AT LEAST NOT BOBBY DARIN, OR MARILYN MONROE.
FOR YOUTH WAS STILL ETERNAL, AND LIFE WAS YET TO BE,
AND ELVIS WAS FOREVER IN THE LAND THAT MADE ME, ME.

WE'D NEVER SEEN THE ROCK BAND THAT WAS GRATEFUL TO BE DEAD,
AND AIRPLANES WEREN'T NAMED JEFFERSON , AND ZEPPELINS WERE NOT LED.

AND BEATLES LIVED IN GARDENS THEN, AND MONKEYS LIVED IN TREES,
MADONNA WAS MARY IN THE LAND THAT MADE ME, ME.

WE'D NEVER HEARD OF MICROWAVES, OR TELEPHONES IN CARS, AND BABIES
MIGHT BE BOTTLE-FED, BUT THEY WERE NOT GROWN IN JARS.

AND PUMPING IRON GOT WRINKLES OUT, AND 'GAY' MEANT FANCY-FREE,
AND DORMS WERE NEVER CO-ED IN THE LAND THAT MADE ME, ME.

WE HADN'T SEEN ENOUGH OF JETS TO TALK ABOUT THE LAG,
AND MICROCHIPS WERE WHAT WAS LEFT AT THE BOTTOM OF THE BAG.

AND HARDWARE WAS A BOX OF NAILS, AND BYTES CAME FROM A FLEA,
AND ROCKET SHIPS WERE FICTION IN THE LAND THAT MADE ME, ME.

T-BIRDS CAME WITH PORTHOLES, AND SIDE SHOWS CAME WITH FREAKS, AND
BATHING SUITS CAME BIG ENOUGH TO COVER BOTH YOUR CHEEKS.

AND COKE CAME JUST IN BOTTLES, AND SKIRTS BELOW THE KNEE,
AND CASTRO CAME TO POWER NEAR THE LAND THAT MADE ME, ME.

WE HAD NO CREST WITH FLUORIDE, WE HAD NO HILL STREET BLUES,
WE HAD NO PATTERNED PANTYHOSE OR LIPTON HERBAL TEA
OR PRIME-TIME ADS FOR THOSE DYSFUNCTIONS IN THE LAND THAT MADE ME,
ME.

THERE WERE NO GOLDEN ARCHES, NO PERRIER TO CHILL,
AND FISH WERE NOT CALLED WANDA, AND CATS WERE NOT CALLED BILL

AND MIDDLE-AGED WAS 35 AND OLD WAS FORTY-THREE, AND ANCIENT WERE OUR
PARENTS IN THE LAND THAT MADE ME, ME.

BUT ALL THINGS HAVE A SEASON, OR SO WE'VE HEARD THEM SAY,
AND NOW INSTEAD OF MAYBELLINE WE SWEAR BY RETIN-A.
THEY SEND US INVITATIONS TO JOIN AARP,
WE'VE COME A LONG WAY, BABY, FROM THE LAND THAT MADE ME, ME.

SO NOW WE FACE A BRAVE NEW WORLD IN SLIGHTLY LARGER JEANS,
AND WONDER WHY THEY'RE USING SMALLER PRINT IN MAGAZINES.
AND WE TELL OUR CHILDREN'S CHILDREN OF THE WAY IT USED TO BE,
LONG AGO AND FAR AWAY IN THE LAND THAT MADE ME, ME.

IF YOU DIDN'T GROW UP IN THE FIFTIES, YOU MISSED THE GREATEST TIME
IN HISTORY, HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS READ AS MUCH AS I DID.
IF SO, PLEASE FORWARD THIS NOTE TO
SOMEONE WHO WILL APPRECIATE THESE MEMORIES...
 
  1. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory: all I did was take a day off!
  2. Money talks: mine always says is goodbye.
  3. I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems — the first thing he did was make me pay in advance.
  4. You have two parts of the brain, “left” and “right” — in the left side, there’s nothing right and in the right side, there’s nothing left.
  5. Why do bees hum? They don’t remember the lyrics!
  6. I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love but I also have a cat to remind me that I don’t deserve it: it’s all about balance.
  7. Don’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.
  8. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
  9. Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
  10. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
  11. Is your ass jealous of the amount of **** that just came out of your mouth?
  12. Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
  13. Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.
  14. Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.
  15. I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
  16. I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn’t talking to me.
  17. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
  18. I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
  19. R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist.
  20. Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
  21. I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts’ which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
  22. My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
  23. What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
  24. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  25. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He didn’t get hurt because it was a soft drink.
  26. The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
  27. At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?
  28. I just found out I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
  29. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
  30. My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
  31. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
  32. Smoking will kill you… Bacon will kill you… And yet, smoking bacon will cure it.
  33. I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around.
  34. Did Noah include termites on the ark?
  35. The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Restaurant In Peace.
  36. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.
  37. My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she’s hot, but honestly… I’m not a fan.
  38. I really hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
  39. The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “This changes everything”.
  40. I refused to believe father, the road worker, was stealing from his job, but when I got home all the signs were there.
  41. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner — all it was doing was gathering dust.
  42. PMS jokes are not funny — period!
  43. Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
  44. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs — they’re always taking things literally.
  45. I like to hold hands at the movies… which always seems to startle strangers.
  46. Women should not have children after 35 — 35 children are enough!
  47. There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t
  48. Whenever I lose my TV controller, I always find it at a remote location.
  49. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: I just couldn’t concentrate.
  50. My math teacher called me average — it’s so mean!
  51. “The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin
  52. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
  53. I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day — that’s a bit of a stretch.
  54. Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright before they open their mouth.
  55. “It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.” – Jack Handey
  56. I don’t have a boyfriend, but I do know a guy who would be really mad to hear that.
  57. “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” – Demetri Martin
  58. When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
  59. “I don’t want to be part of a club that would have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx
  60. “Does my wife think I’m a control freak? I haven’t decided yet.” – Stewart Francis
  61. “The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.” – Jay Leno
  62. “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis
  63. “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” – George Carlin
  64. “I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield
  65. Keep the dream alive — hit your snooze button.
  66. It sure takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
  67. “My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.” – Stewart Francis
  68. I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.
  69. The person who invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.
  70. The other day I asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me.
  71. For a while, Houdini would use a trap door in every single one of his show – I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through.
  72. I hope there’s no pop quiz at the class trip to the Coca Cola factory.
  73. If money doesn’t grow on trees, how come banks have branches?
  74. I didn’t like my beard at first, but it grew on me.
  75. Give me the calculator, friends don’t let friends derive drunk.
  76. A baseball walks into a bar — the bartender throws it out.
  77. I doubt, therefore I might be.
  78. I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.
  79. I had an “hour glass” figure, but then the sand shifted.
  80. When everything is coming your way — you’re in the wrong lane.
  81. Animal testing is a terrible idea — they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
  82. “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.” — Matt Kirshen
  83. “Crime in multi-story car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” — Tim Vine
  84. “I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” —Will Marsh
  85. “People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.” — Abi Roberts
  86. “A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it” —Ross Smith
  87. “I failed math so many times at school I can’t even count.” — Stewart Francis
  88. “Two fish in a tank. One says: ‘How do you drive this thing?'” — Peter Kay
  89. “I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” — Stewart Francis
  90. “People who like trance music are very persistent. They don’t techno for an answer.” — Joel Dommett
  91. “Do Transformers get car, or life insurance?” – Russell Howard
  92. “My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.” – Les Dawson
  93. I once saw two people wrapped in a barcode and had to ask — “are you an item?”
  94. I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldn’t find any.
  95. “Alright lads, a giant fly is attacking the police station. I’ve called the SWAT team!” — Greg Davies
  96. “I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.” — Tom Ward
  97. “I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” — Steve Mart
  98. My husband and I were happy for 20 years. And then we met.
  99. I, for one, like Roman numerals.
  100. When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I told him he doesn’t hire stupid people.
  101. Any married person should forget their mistakes. No use two people remembering the same thing.
 
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.' The husband replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.'

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

A husband said to his wife, 'No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.'
 
Roo
A man who has trained his dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground has said she went from Barking to Tooting in just over an hour.
Click to expand...
Not bad. Google puts it at 61 minutes!
 
I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...
and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:
Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
Me: "A car."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"So, you're drunk."
Me:"But I didn't drink anything."
Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?
Me:"A motorcycle."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Officer:"A prostitute of course."
Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"
Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...
 
I think this lays it out pretty well..





An old man was asked, "At your ripe age, what do
you prefer to get - Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"

The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinson's.
Better to spill half an ounce of Jack Daniels, than to
forget where you keep the bottle!!"
 
Gadge
And that's when the fight started...
Click to expand...

Gadge
Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...
Click to expand...

What's the point of these lines at the end of jokes? The punchline has already been delivered. It feels a bit like a really awful canned laughter track on a crappy sitcom.

Surely we can save space on the internet and get rid of them?
 
If you ask Rick Astley for a DVD of the movie Up, he won't give it to you because he's never gonna give you Up. However, by not giving you Up even though you asked for it, he's letting you down. This is known as the Astley paradox.
 
Don't mess with old people..

I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.

Now she has to go back to the end of the line start all over.
Don't honk your horn at old people!!!!.
 
Two women talking to each other.

Woman 1) You know what I have read?
Woman 2) No, tell me
Woman 1) That humans eat more bananas than apes/monkeys
Woman 2) Well duh, that I can believe. Who in godsname eats apes/monkeys?
 
The madam opened the brothel door in Butte and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late fifties. May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam. He replied, "No, I must see Valerie." Just then, gorgeous Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row". Where are you from?" The man replied, "Great Falls." "Really," she said. "I have family in Great Falls." "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes; and
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
 

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