Jokes!!

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What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $1.79 and deer nuts are under a buck
 
I heard another one recently:

A young female secretary was helping her older male boss set up his new PC. Time comes to set his new password, so she asks him for one.

The boss, wanting to embarrass her a bit, said it's "dick."

She was unfazed, however, and dully typed it, but ended up laughing her ass off when the PC said, "password invalid. Not long enough."
 
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer breast, ya bloody penguins" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are, show them your cross".
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off ya censored little wankers before I come over there and rip yer balls off".
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks "did that sound cross enough"?
 
I phoned my wife earlier to ask her if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home from work and she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
 
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Mary and Bob were childhood sweethearts. They married and had 3 children. They never swore, never smoked, never drank, always ate healthy food and went to church every single week. The kids have grown up. Mary and Bob are now retired.....

Mary: We should go on a really big holiday and treat ourselves.
Bob: How about a world cruise?
Mary: Excellent idea!

The cruise is booked and paid for. A most tragic accident on the way to the cruise ship leaves them both dead and they are now in the reception / waiting area in heaven. St Peter calls their names and they enter the interview room.


Peter: How dreadful for you both! Don't worry too much though, we have something very special for you!

St Peter starts a slide show on the office wall. It show a beautiful large house with a double garage, a swimming pool, adjacent golf course, ( Bob loves golf! ), stable block ( Mary likes horses! ) 2 top of the range Mercedes etc etc etc.

Bob: St Peter sir, this is lovely but we must decline, we cannot afford all of this!

Peter: Its OK Bob. This is heaven. You don't have to pay a penny. This is your reward for living such a good life.

At this point. Bob stands up and punches Mary so hard he knocks her out cold. St Peter is aghast and shocked - What the heck was that for, he asks...

Bob: You stupid cow! If it wasn't for you, your bran flakes and dried fruit, your damned abstinence from booze and fags we would have been here B****** years ago!!!
 
I keep seeing memes about UKs fuel crisis. I'm gonna open up a new fuel station in the UK.

I'm gonna call it Paw Petrol


Jerome
 
Two English tourists were driving through Wales. At the little town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch (the town with the longest place-name in the world), they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the very blonde waitress, “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us… Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly please?”....
.... The girl leaned over and said, “Burrr.... Gurrr.... Kiiing.
 
A guy walks into the library....

Hi! Do you have the book on Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's cat?

Librarian...

Well.... It rings a bell but I am not sure where it is!



Will some one PLEASE get me my coat!!! :-)
 
Another joke I came across in a website:

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.
When he arrives at the pearly gates, St Peter tells Mr Ford, “Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your invention of the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven.”
Ford thinks about it, then replies with, “I want to hang out with Adam, the first man.”
St Peter shows him the way to reach Adam. Once Ford finds Adam, he asks the latter, “Hey aren’t you the inventor of woman?"
Adam replies, "Yes, more or less."
"Well, in that case," says Ford. “You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1) There is too much front end protrusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust.”
“Hmmmmm..” says Adam, “hold on”.
So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results.
The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.
He then says to Ford, “It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours.”

:lol:
 
What's the difference between Novak Djokovic and the England Cricket Team?

It takes Australia two weeks to get Djokovic out.
 
TB
At dawn, the telephone rings ...

"Hello, Señor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Rod.."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Señor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new titanium head golf club with the graphite shaft."

SILENCE ..LONG SILENCE ...

VERY LONG SILENCE ...

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep 🤬."
9 years since I heard this joke, and still makes me laugh. I just wish I could remember the bloody thing.
 
What happens if you have too much peanut butter with your baked beans?

Your farts will stick to the roof of yer arse.
 
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