Jokes!!

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MazdaPrice
Patrick buys a bath, but angrily storms back to the shop, complaining; "The water doesn't stay in". The shop clerk retorts; "Have you tried using the plug?". Taken aback, Patrick replies; "Bugger me, you never told me it was an electric bath!"
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:lol:, love it.
 
23 people have been found glued to the ceiling and walls of a train in Dublin. Police believe Irish Muslims have set off the first ever no more nails bomb.
 
Dictionary

Woman
Yes = "No"
I'm sorry = "You'll remember me"
I need = "I want"
You decide = "The right decision is obvious"
Do whatever you want = "You'll regret this!"
We must talk = "I want to complain"
Do it if you want = "You better not dare!"
You are manly = "It's time you shave"
You are very kind to me = "Are you thinking sex again?"
Turn off the lights = "I have cellulite"
The kitchen is uncomfortable = "I need a new house"
Do you love me? = "I want to ask you for an expensive item"
How much do you love me? = "I did something you probably won't like"

Man
I'm hungry = "I'm hungry"
I'm sleepy = "I'm sleepy"
Nice dress! "Holly cow, look at those t****s!"
Nice haircut = "It was better before"
Go cinema? = "I want sex"
Go dinner? = "I want sex"
Can I call you? = "I want sex"
Go dancing? = "I want sex"
I see you are tired. Massage? = "I want to make love to you"
What is the problem? = ("Today I won't get laid")
I am bored = "Do you want to sleep with me?"
I love you = "I want to bone you bad"
I love you = "Undress already!"
Do you want to talk? = "I want to make a good impression to make you believe I have culture, and maybe you will give in"
Do you want to marry me? = "I want you to be illegal when I catch you with others in bed"
 
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
  1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
  2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
  3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
  4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
  5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
  6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
  7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
  8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
  9. Check the label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
  10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
  11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for the date of last tetanus jab. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
  12. Ring Fire Brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid the cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
  13. Tie the little #&@!’s paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
  14. Get spouse to drive you to Casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
  15. Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. ....

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

  1. Wrap it in bacon.
  2. Toss it in the air.

__________

Both had me and mum in hysterics :lol:
 
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A rapist, black guy, and a homophobe walks into a bar
And everyone's like



"Kobe, can I have your autograph?"





Might be old. And I'm a Lakers fan. Shut up.
 
I'm not mad or anything (kinda hard to tell with just text), but I'm a Lakers fan, too. So of coarse I'm not going to approve.
 
So what? I'm Catholic and I still laugh at jokes about the Pope. Just because you like watching him play basketball doesn't mean you can't laugh about jokes regarding his personal life. A funny jokes is a funny joke. Fat people can laugh at fat people jokes. No need for you to take it personally becuase you like the Lakers and they're about to get swept.

Go Clippers! :D
 
BLITZ_69
I'm not mad or anything (kinda hard to tell with just text), but I'm a Lakers fan, too. So of coarse I'm not going to approve.
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Hey man, I mentioned on that post that I'm a Lakers fan too. But that doesn't mean we can't live a little and laugh at it once and a while. I don't mean to offend anyone, I just found that one hilarious.

Besides, the only worse than that joke is the fact that we're currently getting whipped by the Mavs. Game 7, plz.
 
Ok, I got a joke... well, not really a joke, more of a riddle. And one without a real answer.

When I was on my way home earlier I saw that a cop had pulled over a guy on the side of the highway, fair enough. But what would you do, or think, if you were that cop and you came to realize the driver of the car you just pulled over was your police chief? That must be awkward. :scared:
 
Easy: "I just wanted to wish you a happy weekend sir, do you need any further assistance?"
 
Arthur is 81 years old.
He's played golf every day since his retirement 16 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it" he tells his wife "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so
bad. Once I've hit the ball I can't see where it has gone."
His wife sympathizes.

As they sit down, she makes a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother
with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Arthur. "Your brother is 93 years old. He can't
help."

"He may be ninety three" says the wife "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his
brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

" I Can't remember." replies the brother in law.
 
If you're not up to speed with 1970s UK Politics, this will go over your head:

Prime Minister Callaghan claimed today that by next year, he was going to set foot on the Moon. Foot replied, that he would instead put Callaghan on the Moon.

Courtesy of the Two Ronnies
 
MazdaPrice
If you're not up to speed with 1970s UK Politics, this will go over your head:

Prime Minister Callaghan claimed today that by next year, he was going to set foot on the Moon. Foot replied, that he would instead put Callaghan on the Moon.

Courtesy of the Two Ronnies
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There is a lot of Buzz Killington in me, I must concede. I was born in 1991 but my friends say I remind them of James May. Time to redeem myself.

How d'you make a snooker table laugh?
Stick your hands down it's pockets and tickle it's balls

Woof.
 
One for the English people:
Gerard Houllier has been offered a new 2-year contract; he gets 600 minutes and unlimited texts.

Terrible, I know but it's the only joke I've received this week that is post-able.
 
Who says video games influence kids' minds?

604349.jpg


If people were influenced by video games they'd be roaming around in darkened room listening to repetitive music and swallowing pills. :crazy:
 
I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.
 
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AlexGTV
Dictionary

Woman
Yes = "No"
I'm sorry = "You'll remember me"
I need = "I want"
You decide = "The right decision is obvious"
Do whatever you want = "You'll regret this!"
We must talk = "I want to complain"
Do it if you want = "You better not dare!"
You are manly = "It's time you shave"
You are very kind to me = "Are you thinking sex again?"
Turn off the lights = "I have cellulite"
The kitchen is uncomfortable = "I need a new house"
Do you love me? = "I want to ask you for an expensive item"
How much do you love me? = "I did something you probably won't like"

Man
I'm hungry = "I'm hungry"
I'm sleepy = "I'm sleepy"
Nice dress! "Holly cow, look at those t****s!"
Nice haircut = "It was better before"
Go cinema? = "I want sex"
Go dinner? = "I want sex"
Can I call you? = "I want sex"
Go dancing? = "I want sex"
I see you are tired. Massage? = "I want to make love to you"
What is the problem? = ("Today I won't get laid")
I am bored = "Do you want to sleep with me?"
I love you = "I want to bone you bad"
I love you = "Undress already!"
Do you want to talk? = "I want to make a good impression to make you believe I have culture, and maybe you will give in"
Do you want to marry me? = "I want you to be illegal when I catch you with others in bed"
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Haha. So true.
 
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No', she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey.'
 
Floats
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No', she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey.'
Click to expand...

Haha. Nice.
 
This guy gets a new rifle for his birthday and goes out to the woods to see what he can shoot. He comes across a small brown bear and thinks that it would make a good trophy so he shoots it in the head. He feels a tapping on his shoulder and turns around to see a large black bear standing over him.

The bear says, "That was a mistake. You have two options. I can maul you to death, or I can make love to you." The man looks at the bear, looks away while he thinks about it, then looks the bear square in the eye and drops his trousers.

He takes a few days to recover from the experience and decides that he isn't going to stand for it. He grabs his gun and heads off to the woods to find the bear. He eventually tracks the bear down and shoots it in the head. There's a tapping on his shoulder and when he looks around there's a huge grizzly bear towering over him.

"That was a mistake" the bear says. "You have two options. I can maul you to death or make love to you." The man looks at the bear, looks away to think about it, then looks at the bear again. He then looks away to think about it really hard before turning back and looking the bear in the eye, drops his trousers.

He's not in a good way for weeks, and decides that he really isn't going to stand for it. He grabs his gun and heads out to the woods hunting the grizzly. He finds him and shoots him in the head. There's a tapping on his shoulder and he turns to find the biggest polar bear he has ever seen looming over him.

The bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"
 

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