Jokes!!

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Blonde Driving

There was a blonde going down a street swerving in a very dangerous way. This went on for 10 minutes until a worried neighbor called the police to stop her. The cop pulled over the car, looked at the window until a blonde pulled down the window to explain herself.

Cop: " Ma'am, why were you swerving down the street so dangerously? Don't you know that you could have hurt somebody?"

Blonde: " Sorry, officer, but I was driving down the road and I saw a tree and I tried to dodge it because I didn't want to crash!"

The cop looked at the blonde, took one glance at her windscreen, and said,
" Ma'am that's your air freshener."
 
Top 10 jokes from Edinburgh Fringe Festival...

1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."
 
A bit of a bizarre joke that mainly only works in Finnish, so probably it won't be funny in your opinion, but I'll give it a try anyway, for amusement... :sly:

A German, an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Finn are sitting in a restaurant and debating on whose language is the best. It's eventually decided that the language with the most difference between pronouncing and spelling of the words is the finest one.

The German says: "My language is very fine. You see, we write the word 'heimat' but it needs to be said 'haimat'."

The Englishman says: "Hah, that's nothing. We write 'empire' but it must be pronounced 'im-pai-ö'."

The Frenchman says: "Now that's absolutely nothing. We have a town named 'Bordeaux' but it's said 'Bordoo'."

Now it's only the Finn remaining. He says: "No, my language is definitely the finest. We write 'Miten voin palvella teitä?' ('How can I serve you?') and pronounce 'Häh?' ('Huh?')
 
keldabest13
There's two fish in a tank.



And then...


One of them said "How you drive this thing!?"
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Thats an old one...

3 blondes were walking home, and they came to a river. A genie appeared and granted them each a wish. Blonde 1 said 'I wish I was 10x more intelligent'. She turned into a red-head, made a raft and paddled across. The second said 'I wish I was 20x more intelligent'. She turned into a brunette and swang across using some creepers. The last said 'I wish I was 100x more intelligent'. She turned into a man and walked across the bridge.
 
A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash."

The granddaughter, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh granny, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"

With her last breath, Granny whispered, "Facebook..."
 
Okay I got a joke that is funny!

I auditioned for Britain's got talent when it visited Birmingham.But shockingly,I was turned down.
That's right,my signature 'balancing a Mars bar on my head for 10 minutes' failed to impress Simon Cowell.
He said,"Sorry but Osama Bin Laden's had a bounty on his head for 8 years."

:lol:
 
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keldabest13
Okay I got a joke that is funny!

I auditioned for Britain's got talent when it visited Birmingham.But shockingly,I was turned down.
That's right,my signature 'balancing a Mars bar on my head for 10 minutes' failed to impress Simon Cowell.
He said,"Sorry but Osama Bin Laden's had a bounty on his head for 8 years."

:lol:
Click to expand...

Oh my god...
 
So there's a newfy (guy from Newfoundland) an Italian and a Chinese guy all at a hotel. The owner of the hotel wants to see who is the most loyal so he goes to each of there rooms with a gun that shoots blanks to see who will kill there wives. He goes to the Chinese guys room and says take this gun and go back in there and shoot your wife and I'll give you $10,000. The Chinese says no way I love my wife and we have kids etc and closes the door. The owner than goes to the Italian guys room and says take this gun and kill your wife and I will give you $10,000. The Italian guy thinks about it and says no I can't I love her too much, she cooks for me, she cleans or me I would be lost without her and closes the door. The owner than goes to the newfy's room and says take this gun and kill your wife and I'll give you $10,000. So the newfy thinks about it and figure screw it I'll take the money. He takes the gun and closes the door. BAM BAM BAM! SMASH BOOM CRACK! He comes out and the owner says OMG what happened in there!? The newfy says I started to shoot at her but nothing was coming out so I had to kill her with the chair.
 
keldabest13
Okay I got a joke that is funny!

I auditioned for Britain's got talent when it visited Birmingham.But shockingly,I was turned down.
That's right,my signature 'balancing a Mars bar on my head for 10 minutes' failed to impress Simon Cowell.
He said,"Sorry but Osama Bin Laden's had a bounty on his head for 8 years."

:lol:
Click to expand...
Ha ha ha NO.
 
A bit of a rude one, so I'll make it as clean as I possibly can.

An army general has to go on a diplomatic meeting. His wife lives on base and he commands more 1000 soldiers. His wife is slim, attractive and has a great sense of humour. Worried some of the soldiers may try it on with his wife, he places a sharp blade in her genitals.

When he returns, he orders a quick inspection with all his soldiers present. He asks them all to stand in a line and pull their trousers and underwear down.

They all do so. The General starts walking down the line inspecting everyone and is shocked to find that every man has a deep cut on their genitals. Except the last man in the line whose genitals appear to be fine. The General says to the last soldier. "You are a man who I can completely trust. I want to honour you and give you a promotion and a medal for this."

The General is embarrassed, realizing he does not know the Soldier's name. He asks "What is your name?"















The soldier replies "MMMMM mmmm mmmm"
 
F1 fan
A bit of a rude one, so I'll make it as clean as I possibly can.

An army general has to go on a diplomatic meeting. His wife lives on base and he commands more 1000 soldiers. His wife is slim, attractive and has a great sense of humour. Worried some of the soldiers may try it on with his wife, he places a sharp blade in her genitals.

When he returns, he orders a quick inspection with all his soldiers present. He asks them all to stand in a line and pull their trousers and underwear down.

They all do so. The General starts walking down the line inspecting everyone and is shocked to find that every man has a deep cut on their genitals. Except the last man in the line whose genitals appear to be fine. The General says to the last soldier. "You are a man who I can completely trust. I want to honour you and give you a promotion and a medal for this."

The General is embarrassed, realizing he does not know the Soldier's name. He asks "What is your name?"















The soldier replies "MMMMM mmmm mmmm"
Click to expand...

The story is somewhat inexplicable in describing superficial impression of its plot with inconceivable developments - don't see why the General's soldiers' genitals are suddenly lost after he came back from a diplomatic meeting far away from the base harbouring his wife and accompanying soldiers...

Is that his wife that attempted to cut off their organs with a blade given from her husband in advance or in battle? The story reminded me of "eunuches" in ages of ancient Oriental, Greek, Roman world and China, who completely were deprived of their reproductive faculty getting their own genitals rid of, unmercifully. :lol:
 
It's just a joke my friend told me. Most of his jokes are about unfaithful wifes. :sly:
 
Technically speaking, isn't that what Michael Jackson is doing now?

(No offense intended, just stating the facts)
 
A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any more, you'll fart your guts out. Being a butcher, the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and not do it anymore. She put the scraps in his pants that night.
He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he came out and stated, honey, you were right about me farting my guts out BUT WITH THE GRACE OF THE DEAR LORD AND THESE TWO FINGERS. I GOT THEM BACK IN THERE.
Found this in an old thread
 
rocko100
A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any more, you'll fart your guts out. Being a butcher, the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and not do it anymore. She put the scraps in his pants that night.
He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he came out and stated, honey, you were right about me farting my guts out BUT WITH THE GRACE OF THE DEAR LORD AND THESE TWO FINGERS. I GOT THEM BACK IN THERE.
Found this in an old thread
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Some one told me that years ago. I was disturbed for a few days... :guilty:
 
Apparently Greece has halted all production of taramasalata and houmous - it's a double dip recession.
 
A Spurs fan, a Millwall fan and a Hammers fan are climbing Everest. The Spurs fan sights the top and runs up to it followed by the other two.

He looks around and shouts "For Tottenham" before jumping off the mountain to his death.

The Hammers fan shouts "For the Irons" before throwing the Millwall fan over the edge.
 
People outside the UK won't get this but here goes:
Scientists have discovered only two things that would survive a total apocalypse, cockroaches.................and the DFS sale.
*bu-dum-chink*
 
mattythedog
People outside the UK won't get this but here goes:
Scientists have discovered only two things that would survive a total apocalypse, cockroaches.................and the DFS sale.
*bu-dum-chink*
Click to expand...

Oh dear. I'm assuming it's a joke relating to the fact DFS's sales last forever...
 
Yeah, but DFS only have two sales a year, one that runs from March 1st - December 25th, then the second one, the January Sale, that runs from December 26 - February 28th.
 
ryanb98
Oh dear. I'm assuming it's a joke relating to the fact DFS's sales last forever...
Click to expand...

Can't remember who it was, but a well known comedian once opened a show saying "when is it not a sale at DFS?"
 

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