Jokes!!

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Famine
I was shopping earlier when I noticed a lad in a wheelchair shoplifting a pair of camouflage trousers and a camouflage shirt.

He can hide, but he can't run.
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You sir, are one evil son of a gun.

But a damn hilarious one.
 
1) As the dog sat watching the orchestra, he stared at the conductor and thought..

"Just throw the damn thing."

2) My wife and daughter are leaving because of my obsession with horse racing. And they're off!

3) My wife screamed, "There's a spider on my head! There's a spider on my head!" "Stay still love" I said, as I rolled up a newspaper.....around a wine bottle.
 
What's big and yellow and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A JCB.

What do you call Postman Pat after he loses his job?

Pat.
 
What's green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.

There's and Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew standing at a bar.
What a fine example of a integrated community.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.

How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw sticks at her while chanting the national anthem backwards in pig Latin.
 
Daniel

How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw sticks at her while chanting the national anthem backwards in pig Latin.
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I've got lovely brown locks and that would confuse me!
 
Emile Heskey has revealed that he's been wearing a t-shirt under his top ever since his last goal and will reveal it next time he scores.

It says "Free Nelson Mandela".
 
Tesla
Emile Heskey has revealed that he's been wearing a t-shirt under his top ever since his last goal and will reveal it next time he scores.

It says "Free Nelson Mandela".
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Hahaha that's a good one.

1) Just watched Emile Heskey rattle in seven goals on Sky Sports.

It was a career montage.

2) Heskey: "I had an open goal but still I didn't score. I could kick myself.

"Mcleish: "I wouldn't bother. You'd probably miss."
 
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There was a young man called Dave
who kept a dead whore in a cave.
He said "I'll admit,
she does smell a bit,
but think of the money I save."

Too much? :scared:
 
There was a young man from Brazil,
Who swallowed a Dynamite pill,
His balls went "bang!"
His bum hole went "twang!"
And his willy shot over the hill.


There was an old woman from Ealing,
Who had a peculiar feeeling,
The sign on the door
Said don't 🤬 on the floor,
So she laid down and 🤬 on the ceiling!

There was a drunk man named Sean,
Who slipped on a freshly cut lawn,
He fell on his back
And his spine went "crack",
And he regretted the day he was born.

Made that last one up. :)
 
A boy asks his father: "Daddy, how I came into the this world?"
Father: "All right, my boy, someday we need to have this conversation, so, why wait..."

Listen carefully:

First time Dad met Mom in a "Chatroom".
Later, Dad and Mom met in a "CyberCafe", and in the restroom Mom wanted to make from Dad's "JoyStick" a couple "downloads". When Dad was ready to "upload", all of a sudden we realized that we had not installed the "firewall". Unfortunately, it was already too late to hit the "Cancel" or "Escape" and the message: "Do you really want to download?" we had already removed the "settings". Mom's "virus scanner" has not been updated in time, and it not identified the Dad's "Blaster Worm virus". So we pressed the "Enter" and Mom got the message: "Estimated download time 9 months!"
 
Archangel75
A boy asks his father: "Daddy, how I came into the this world?"
Father: "All right, my boy, someday we need to have this conversation, so, why wait..."

Listen carefully:

First time Dad met Mom in a "Chatroom".
Later, Dad and Mom met in a "CyberCafe", and in the restroom Mom wanted to make from Dad's "JoyStick" a couple "downloads". When Dad was ready to "upload", all of a sudden we realized that we had not installed the "firewall". Unfortunately, it was already too late to hit the "Cancel" or "Escape" and the message: "Do you really want to download?" we had already removed the "settings". Mom's "virus scanner" has not been updated in time, and it not identified the Dad's "Blaster Worm virus". So we pressed the "Enter" and Mom got the message: "Estimated download time 9 months!"
Click to expand...

Mommy, why is daddy so weird?
 

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