I will go offtopic for this one but
@ToyGTone Just like
@Legro said, I'm talking about long term. Study hard, so you can have, at minimum, a decent job which can open doors for you in life, not just car deals.
You gotta think ahead man; at least 5 years ahead. Cars come and go. In the end they're just hunks of aluminium or metal that mean a lot to us. Doesn't matter if you own a hooptie, or some flashy car.
With hard work comes passion, which is what fuels our niche community.
With what's happening currently to me, I don't think I will have a future or at least not a bright one.
As a guy who somehow managed to do quite well as school while at the same time struggling with several diseases, I have a hard time doing things I'm not interested in or motivated to do. As of right now, I didn't even choose which uni/college to study at and which course should I take. I'm lost because I don't know want I want to do and I never planned or thought about what I want to do in the future. I tend to just follow what others do. I saw some locals people studying aboard, I thought "why not travel to US, Canada, Britain, Australia, Japan or Germany to study there? I could have a more freedom there too than over here". I heard people wanting to study certain thing and suddenly I thought "why not do the same?"
I'm worried about going to a university because I look at one of my older bother who's currently on his 5th or even 6th year at possibly the
hardest university in my country. What he studies? Well...Civil engineering a.k.a something that most people will stay away from over here. I noticed how he spend most of his days ether at university or just at home studying, not doing anything else at all. It terrified me because I don't want my entire day to be doing that especially since I have ADHD and I don't like doing things I don't like or interested in. I mean the only reason why I'm good at english, history, geography and biology but poor at maths and even my own
awful language is because of my interest. I don't want my entire life to be just tedious time with not a single enjoyable thing. I don't want to be alone all day long like my brother. I don't want to feel trapped between two places only and not have any freedom of doing whatever I want.
I'm also awful at socialising with people and the moment when I think they aren't answering to me or bothering to even talk to me, I think they simply hate me and don't want me anymore. I believe I always **** things up and end up screwing my entire relations with people. Look at me now, a depressed 18 year old who has nothing to do, no one to hang out with and no place to go. I always view myself being the worst human being out there and being criticised will just make it worse for me. When someone talks negatively about what I said, I start defending myself immediately because I think I'm getting attacked by everyone but then...I just believe that people are right and i'm the wrong in my life. Look at this silly argument I made and look how others replied to me. I think that I said something inappropriate, that I shouldn't belong here at all, that i'm rejected in my life. What i said is exaggeration I know but this is how I feel.
If I made a mistake no matter how big or small is, people are going to hate me and will never forgive me at all. That's how I view the world.
I oftem come here to GTPlanet because I feel lonely in real life and the fact that everyone seems to be hanging out while I'm at home ether sleeping or just eating during evening just makes me feel uncomfortable. I thought that trying to be nice to all people and post more often will help make my life a little more bearable. What instead I get is the same feeling as what I feel everywhere else. Everyone else seems to be having a good time here. Everyone seems to be getting along together. I mean there's even some members out there who actually met each other in real life? That's something I even struggling to do with what used to be my close childhood friend.
Meanwhile i'm here complaining inside my head "Why no one wants me? Why I feel so ignored and rejected? Why I feel unbelonged to anything? Why I don't feel welcomed?"
I tried my best to be nice to everyone, I tried my best to apologise for my mistakes and I tried my best to forgive everyone even those who hate me so much but guess what? Nothing worked and Nothing changed. Life still sucks, People still hates me and I have nothing to improve it.
I tried to get into new hobbies or even revive my interest back when I was young to seek out for new stuff and more importantly, new people...but I failed to do that ether.
One thing I realised is that it doesn't matter what interests I have. If I don't have anyone at all to share with or experience & enjoy with then it isn't enjoyable or fun anymore. This pretty much applies to everything I love or loved before. Which's why I end up not enjoying doing anything while feeling depressed and just give up doing it.
All that and I have to deal with homophobic families, racist bigots, bullies and possibly the worst government in my entire life. My life is falling apart. I feel the pain on my chest and heart every then and now. I feel like i'm just a useless drama queen who people around me would be happy if I died and they wouldn't care at all. I'm just a lonely person who wanted to enjoy communicating with people but can't. I want to be different but no matter what I do, thing will always stay the same.
I give up, there's no point in being here on GTP anymore. It's not like i'm a moderator or some highly well known members where people (or at least someone) would care and love. I'm just a member with useless opinions and average post. Everything I do with just ended up being ignored or criticised like this one right here. N
o one will ever understand me or my struggles anyways. Everyone will just look down on me.
If I only were a different person.
