Hello to you lot. Never been to this thread before until I shown it by a friend. Guess I'll talk about my latest relationship problem.
*Warning: It's quite depressing to read. It's still affecting me now.
@
ProjectWHaT
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What I mean is that I caused a serious screw up and all that had done affect me in bad ways. I had a crush on a freshman named Elijah Mitchum. I had done so since the start of the school year because I loved the way he looked. I also loved his deep blue eyes and his nice approachable but quiet vibe. So as a result, I start to treat him very nicely, as I checked to see if he wanted a snack or drink from the vending machine during lunch. That had been going on until the end of the first semester. I really cared about him. I never wanted him to feel bad. I was a bit upset when he said he was fat according to his wrestling team even though he was bone and skin. I knew he wasn't, I knew he was just fine, and I told him that. We sort of got by decently even though he typically hanged with his friends during lunch. I did see him give a few glances. I dreamt of being with him and taking care of him, wanting to feel loved by him.
Then here's when everything start to tumble down... all the way to the present day. After having given him money for some time now, I thought of asking him out on Tuesday, October 15, 2013. I was incredibly nervous and anxious on how to approach him and what the response would have been throughout half of the day. So when lunchtime arrived, I was feeling flustered just walking. Later after getting lunch,I ask him, "Can I ask you something in private." I asked him, "Will you go out with me?" The response was "I'm not gay." I didn't really change face in front of him, but deep down everything in my mind changed from normal, happy state to a sad, depressing, and suicidal state though not as bad as what's to come. That really screwed my day up with me wanting to be alone after later arriving home. Then two hours after arriving from school at 3:00 PM, I get a call from my aunt to tell me that someone close to me, Ms. Doris who gave me a ride home during middle school later turning into checking up on her like a buddy, died. That caught me, but yet I still didn't break down on the outside, while I did inside. I went to go see Ms. Doris the day before so that sort of made it a bit worse. My week was sort of depressing with me in a lowly state and response just because of the two events that happened. Though October 17, 2013, was a bit of a surprise when I was in my sad state that my mom arrived in my first car with a smile on her face. All the sad memories washed away filled with joy... temporarily. Though October 15, 2013, will forever be a date that is left as a dark day for me.
After mostly recovering from the shock, I returned back to my old ways all the way till the last week before Christmas break. I will admit, I had been a bit stalkerish and went through his Facebook pictures. I seriously fell for that guy. I still checked on him though still with my own lunch group. He still went to his lunch group, but I still saw him give a few glances my way. So fast forward to the last week before Christmas break. I memorized his birthday and found that it's during the days we were out, so on the last day I go up to him and gave him $3.00, two up from the typical $1.00, a early happy birthday, and a happy Christmas. He said thanks and we moved on from there. During the break, I dreamt of him again, wanting and wishing to be with him. For Christmas day, I only wished to be with him as I didn't care about the other presents. No material can make up for his presence. But, I knew that it was a hopeless wish as I know that he won't be around me. It sort of damped my Christmas day, to be honest. Days passed, we go onto his birthday of January 4th. I go onto his Facebook and wrote a status wishing him another happy birthday, with him thanking me again.
Back from Christmas break, I asked him how did his birthday go while we both were in the lunch period. He said it went okay. The routine still went the same for about a week or so. Then one day while he was waiting for his ride, I go up to him and asked him did he want my cell phone number. He surprised me with his reply being sure. We exchanged numbers with me being happy for it. I start to text with him replying the first few times, which was a few days back to back. Then on January 15th, 2014, I asked him to be my valentine for Valentine's Day. I was out getting pizza meanwhile he was on the soccer bus coming from his soccer game.I was a nervous wreck and a bit jittery as I knew, not had a feeling, that the answer was going to be no. My self-esteem and confidence was at an all time low. The reply comfirmed the answer, but not very harmful. The answer was no. It didn't matter how hard he tried to seem nice, the answer was still no. I was not jolly anymore, as I went home I wanted to be alone and as I went to bed, tears start to run down. My dreams changed into a sad and depressing state as I had thoughts of suicide by car other ways.
During that time that I asked, it was when us students were being changed to second semester classes. So when we returned to get our new schedules, I was strangely thankful that I didn't have the same lunch period with him again. I still talked to him until the end of January, and that's when I started to react very badly. Going into February and throughout February, I had deliberately ignored him or tried not to look at him. The dreams mentioned before was more consistent, with me more depressed than I should have been. Then the dreadful Valentine's Day came with me in a sour mood, not wanting to do anything. I still didn't hear from him, which hurt me more. After that day, I became more angry and sad until the last week week and weekend of February. That Saturday and Sunday, I was feeling terrible knowing what I had done and not consider his feelings. I desperately had to talk to him before the month was over with. To my unfortunance, he was out with the flu for most of the week. Then on February 28th, 2014, I had went up and talked to him about my behavior. He was wondering where I had been and was sort of glad I talked to him. I asked him to text me later and he said he would. He did, but during that day I had been driving all the way until 7:21 PM. I drove to pick my niece up and later drove my sister to pay her car payment and got donuts later. I promised to him that I would bring him a donut that Monday and I did.
I thought that would have been the end, but it wasn't. I tried to return talking to him, but the last text message sent to him was March 4th. I then start thinking that if he wanted to talk, he has my number since I was tired of having to start the conversation nearly every time. I then start to redo the ignoring treatment since I hardly saw him any except in the morning, hallway, and sometimes the afternoon. I sometimes saw him glance at me while I was in my first period. Then days later,I was aware of the arrival of my birthday. Then the week before my birthday, my previous laptop screen stopped working, so I was a bit sour that Wednesday morning. However, I was sort of hoping that I hear from him on my birthday since I saw him on Facebook twice a few days and Facebook makes it aware of a upcoming birthday. I was terribly mistaken. I didn't get anything from him before my birthday, during the birthday day, and even later. I was seriously disappointed that my friends could tell me happy birthday, but he couldn't. That sort of solidified my treatment of him since he hurt me by that. I didn't look for him or talk to him while he for some time looked at me, wondering why I wasn't talking to him. But then recently in the month of April, I saw that he sort of got fed up and stopped looking at me altogether. This is what had happened that defines the story of my situation.
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I was and still am severely hurt by him. His name pains me just to read and his name only recalls back to the events that I had explained. I am now jaded when it comes to relationships now and to ask another guy out, just because of him. I was deeply in love with him. I wanted to know everything about him. I wanted to care for him. I wanted to love him. I would have sacrificed my life just to spare his because I cared about him that much. Maybe I cared too much, because look at me now. On the outside and to friends, I seem as a happy, friendly, wacky, weird, loud, and other characteristics. But on the inside, I'm utterly broken. I had my heart broken, which made it hard for me to love others the same way I did him. And to me, if I can't love, then what is my purpose in this damned life? I underwent depression more than I should, I worry about being outed and having to face disappointment from my father who had expectations of me. I undergo thoughts of suicide mostly because of him. I 🤬 CARED ABOUT HIM. He was primarily the only thing in my mind and that's saying something. The only thing I wanted from him was just to hear from him, whether it being via text messaging or in person. I hadn't heard from him on my birthday, the one day that I wanted to hear from him, especially when I had done the same for his birthday, and he couldn't just said anything to me even now. He doesn't realize that there was a reason that I started behaving anti-social towards him.
I hated him because of all the pain and sadness he caused me. He never texted me. He never talked to me. He always go talk to his friends first. I hardly doubt he thought about me. I had thoughts of 🤬 suicide because of him, something people will be shocked to hear from me. But I know that if I do that, I only am going to hurt even more people, and all that does is cause me even more misery. I have a dream that if I ever have to talk to him in private and he tries to confront me why I had been ignoring him, all hell inside of me will come out. My expression changes into a dark and angry face, unwilling to take a joke and shatter any possibility of happiness. My tone will change into a tone no one had heard me sound like before. All anger and sadness that I had bottled up because of him will be unleashed at him. I probably would get loud with a mixture of my dark expressions and my eyes telling another story. Every thing that would come out would be everything that he had done to cause me to be like this; that is telling the story, my thoughts, and my feelings. After having that get out for him to know, I probably will feel really weak, my anger vanished quickly refilled with sadness and sorrow. I had let my anger out... so what is left? The true character that I am, filled with hurt and depression. I couldn't believe that I let myself reach that level of anger to have me react in a way that is not typical of me with the reason right in front of me. I couldn't understand why I let another person get such control over my mind. But... I know that that will not happen. Reality is just too harsh on me.
And yet, despite of all of this... I'm still in love with him. I don't understand why... but the damage has been done. I had let this happen and now it's reach to a point that I refuse to approach him or be in the same room as him. But... I still want him.
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*This is just a copy and paste of something I've already written about.
You can already see it's driven me crazy. It probably looks that I am crazy or just obsessive. And to WHaT, you can partly see why I said what I said in that message.
Seriously though just do stuff. Force yourself to get out the house and hang with friends. I know it sounds like cliche advice, but there is a reason for that! Then eventually, just like me, you'll find someone who takes your mind away from this person. Who steals your feelings. Hopefully you wont pull a me and chicken out in talking to them! 
, Which is even better because shes bilingual. Same as me. as im French Canadian to. She is like so beautiful *.* and like just like so right for me... I think its her... ITS HER! Shes 15 to. But like thats like Jackpot.. 100% i wont get screwed over this time. I know it. 
