“Hello friend. I don’t know you but I promise that I care about you, I truly do. From a 25 year old finally finding some stability, here is what I can offer:
YES to therapy. All of it. And not just the stuff that gives you tools on how to manage your depression, but the deep, deep childhood Jungian stuff. If I didn’t learn why I was how I was, and then go through this year of anger and sadness, and then take the necessary steps to change what I needed to change, I would never get out of the pit. You usually ask yourself, "What made me physically ill?". Now, ask yourself, "What made me mentally ill?" Good therapy is swimming through the river of **** so you can get to the dry bank on the other side.
YES to medication. It’s a booster, it won’t change everything. You might have more luck with mood stabilizers instead of anti-depressants. And, we are currently in an anti-depressant epidemic, so that always felt a little more comfortable for me. But that is just ego, don’t let it get to you.
YES to regimented sleep. I mean this. You know the word lunacy or lunatic? It comes from luna, the moon. And it’s because during full moons when we didn’t have fully dark homes it would keep people up, and it would trigger mania in bipolar. If I sleep 5 hours, I’m a wreck. If I sleep 9 hours, I’m a wreck. I need 7-8 like clockwork, and it seriously takes me from a 2/10 to a 7/10. Do whatever you can to manage this: yellow light glasses, sleeping medication (stay away from benzo/opioids), job changes, anything. The studies on this keep on coming.
YES to exercise. It works, it works, it works. Don’t do **** you hate: if you hate running, lift. If you hate lifting, do yoga. Do it, celebrate every workout, breathe in the endorphin freedom.
YES to finding self responsibility. You will never heal without it. I recently talked to a woman with a 35-year-old bipolar son living back at home. I told her, “Sorry mom. I know you want to love him, and I know he is in pain, but he will never heal if he is still under mom’s roof.” It’s just how male psychology works. I know you are female, but there are equivalents to this; such as you saying losing your partner would be the end of it. I am absolutely in LOVE with my current partner. I feel the same way. But technically, I do not NEED her. She doesn’t feed me, or pay my bills, or organize my hiking trips (now if I didn’t have those, that’s another story…). So you must find self-reliance. You can, and you will.
YES to long term goals and short term habits. This is called Kaizen. Your small victories are not working because they aren’t going anywhere. I know we are told to celebrate the showers and the little stuff, and sometimes that helps, but you need to celebrate the showers because that means you are one step closer to X. Being self-reliant. Volunteering for a cause. Travelling. Getting in great shape. Start with your values, create a self-mission statement, set five year goals, and break those all the way down to literally what you have to do TODAY to reach it. Write one sentence of a book. Do one pushup. Now these things have meaning.
YES to sobriety. I don’t drink or smoke and I’m very bored and it sucks. But I am stable. And I don’t have breakdowns. And I don’t have binges. And it is so, so much better. You’ll find a whole new world of health and friendships to explore.
Do not flail your fists violently at depression. It is a fog, it cannot be beat that way. You must be calm, collected, slow and steady. You must wake up to good music, cook a good breakfast, get out the door. Get out the door, every single day. Go to a coffee shop and read, whatever.
You must confront your ineffective thoughts with questions. Not “I’m NOT a terrible person!” but, “OK, sure brain, I’m a terrible person. Here, I’m going to get up right now and knock this person’s coffee out of their hand because I’m terrible. Wait, of course I’m not going to do that. Can I really be terrible? Hm…”
YES to trusting others. Everything I just said above, depression has given you reasons and excuses why it will not work. I’ve been there. “That’s all great, but…” You are in the fog so you can’t SEE. We can see you, though. I can see you be happy, healthy, stable, strong. I can see you get down like we all do, but knowing how to manage it correctly and knowing it will end. Be well, I am here.”
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