Jokes!!

  • Thread starter Thread starter DQuaN
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I got a bunch of laughs at a club banquet yesterday. We were deciding what to order and we have two vegetarians. So I asked the one of them how strict of a vegger she was. She said she's not a vegan but she just doesn't like meat or fish. Then she summarized like this, "If it has eyes, I won't eat it." So after a brief pause with a moment of silence at the table, I said, "Well, a steak doesn't have eyes." Everyone lol'd.

I guess it's not really a joke but I thought I'd at least post it somewhere. :)
 
What is the worst news a stoner can hear?





The cake is a lie

Came up with it at work, thought it was fairly good.
 
...Sorry, unless there's some deeper meaning to it, and I spend most of my time on the internet so that's not likely, is there a hidden meme I don't know of, or am I in the wrong state of mind?
 
Ohh, carrying on with the cheese!

How is cheese made?
Backwards..


>>Made, Edam?<<
^^^^^^^^^^^
 
StigNumbers
...Sorry, unless there's some deeper meaning to it, and I spend most of my time on the internet so that's not likely, is there a hidden meme I don't know of, or am I in the wrong state of mind?
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It's a Portal joke.

You know, Orange Box's Portal.
 
A friend told me this when playing volleyball in gym the other week, after our team fail so hard...

"It was a fail so epic, it was almost a win!"
:lol:
 
'Hello, is this the Police Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Jack Murphy...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there..'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, twelve St Johns Police Officers descend on Jack's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Jack and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Jack's house.

'Hey, Jack! This here's Floyd....Did the Police come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'
 
two of my friends recently frooze to death in a drive-in cinema...they wanted to see the movie "closed during winter"... LOL

bye the way: i just found a movie with exactly that title was made...so I hope you understand the joke nevertheless...
 
Not really a joke, but funny nonetheless. Sometimes Google translator makes some mistakes. This is from Yamauchi's twitter:

Rambo goes into the GT5. RT @ mahoro_kaji : @ Kaz_Yamauchi&#12521;&#12531;&#12508;&#12523;&#12462;&#12540;&#12491;&#12364;GT&#12395;&#28961;&#12356;&#12398;&#12418;&#12420;&#12399;&#12426;&#29256;&#27177;&#12391;&#12375;&#12423;&#12358;&#12363;&#65311; RT @ Mahoro_Kaji : @ Kaz_Yamauchi GT Lamborghini is not what copyright is also still on?
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Source
 
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In other news, scientists have finally developed a car which runs on nothing but water.

Admittedly it's sea water. From the Gulf of Mexico...
 
There's two penguins in a bathtub. One says, "hey, pass the soap!" The other says, "What do I look like, a toaster?" - BA DUM POW!

No.. ? Well..

How many lobsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?! Just one, BUT YOU'LL NEED A LOT OF LIGHTBULBS!

*cane hooks tyl0r_r away from public into a cold dark alley where he will be beaten with bags of oranges.*
 
tyl0r_r
There's two penguins in a bathtub. One says, "hey, pass the soap!" The other says, "What do I look like, a toaster?" - BA DUM POW!
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Here's your coat:
straight-jacket1.jpg
 
My 8 year-old son came to me the other day and said "Hey Dad, I just learned how to masturbate!"

I was a little taken aback, and told him the usual parenty-stuff about how it's very bad and that studies have shown that excessive masturbation can make you blind.

"But it feels really good." he said.

"Yes," I responded, "but if you go blind, you won't be able to enjoy all the things you like seeing. Your birthday is coming up and you wouldn't be able to see all your friends & your birthday presents. You really don't want to go blind do you?"

So he says "No I don't, but I do like masturbating a lot though!"

"Well, enough of this talk about touching yourself, it's bad and you shouldn't do it, I'm your father and I'm telling you not to and that's the end of it. Let's change the subject shall we? What would you like for your birthday anyway?" I asked him.

"A Guide Dog." was his answer.


(*I don't actually have a son, just in case anyone suddenly thinks I've acquired an 8 year-old onanist, but the joke is better told from the father's perspective!*) ;)
 
An elderly man was driving down a highway when his wife calls him
"Bob, be very careful I heard on the news there is a car going the wrong way"

Bob replies
"Heck its not one car there are thousands!"
 
Talon
Is it just me, or does that make no sense whatsoever?
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A plugged in toaster in a bath tub. But the rest doesn't make sense.

Smallhorses
My 8 year-old son came to me the other day and said "Hey Dad, I just learned how to masturbate!"

I was a little taken aback, and told him the usual parenty-stuff about how it's very bad and that studies have shown that excessive masturbation can make you blind.

"But it feels really good." he said.

"Yes," I responded, "but if you go blind, you won't be able to enjoy all the things you like seeing. Your birthday is coming up and you wouldn't be able to see all your friends & your birthday presents. You really don't want to go blind do you?"

So he says "No I don't, but I do like masturbating a lot though!"

"Well, enough of this talk about touching yourself, it's bad and you shouldn't do it, I'm your father and I'm telling you not to and that's the end of it. Let's change the subject shall we? What would you like for your birthday anyway?" I asked him.

"A Guide Dog." was his answer.


(*I don't actually have a son, just in case anyone suddenly thinks I've acquired an 8 year-old onanist, but the joke is better told from the father's perspective!*) ;)
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You are just plain sick dude. :lol:
 
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Touring Mars
David James will play in goal for England tonight
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Typically, jokes are funny...

Anyway, the England squad went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning.

"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible."















Said Jamal Umboto, aged 6.
 

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