Jokes!!

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Albert Einstein has always said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting the same results.
Everyone is accused of occasional stupidity, but you are abusing the privilege.
Peat and Repeat are on a boat, Pete falls off who's left?>Repeat<Pete and Repeat are on a boat, Pete falls off who's left?>Repeat<Pete and Repeat are on a boat, Pete falls off who's left?
This may sound cheesey but.....2 turtles are in a Drug store and it is raining outside. So one says to the other "ill go home and get the umbrella but by a soda for me ok" When the second turtle leaves the one in the store buys a soda but doesn't drink it. 3 months later the same one says "He must not be coming back so I'll drink the soda" but from outside he hears a voice saying "DON'T DRINK THE SODA, ITS MINE!!!"
 
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carfanatic45
Albert Einstein has always said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
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Fixed, unless I missed something. :odd:
 
VEHoldenSS
I dropped my laptop in the sea. There goes A Dell, rolling in the deep.
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:lol:!

Edit: 4000!!! Woohoo!

Just found this joke online:

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
 
I hear the Large Hadron Collider has lost some electrons. They really should keep an ion those things.
 
My teacher told me that my Math homework didn't add up.









I'll get my coat.
 
Get your coat son.

Meanwhile on GTPlanet...

-John Petrucci has a box of souls he's amassed over the years after being challenged to "shredding contests". His box includes the souls of Steve Vai, Joe Satriani, Jimi Hendrix, Randy Rhoads, Yngwie J. Malmsteen, and the Devil.

-Scientists have proven that John Petrucci only has one finger, which moves so fast, it is never percieved as fewer than four fingers by the human senses. If he had more than one finger, scientists believe the universe would exceed critical energy density and collapse on itself, which would destroy everything (except, of course, John Petrucci, who can be neither created nor destroyed, only moved from one style of shredding to another).
 
AlexGTV
Get your coat son.

Meanwhile on GTPlanet...

-John Petrucci has a box of souls he's amassed over the years after being challenged to "shredding contests". His box includes the souls of Steve Vai, Joe Satriani, Jimi Hendrix, Randy Rhoads, Yngwie J. Malmsteen, and the Devil.

-Scientists have proven that John Petrucci only has one finger, which moves so fast, it is never percieved as fewer than four fingers by the human senses. If he had more than one finger, scientists believe the universe would exceed critical energy density and collapse on itself, which would destroy everything (except, of course, John Petrucci, who can be neither created nor destroyed, only moved from one style of shredding to another).
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You're one to talk... -_-
 
My wife told me she hated it when I did my flamingo impression, so I had to put my foot down.
 
Famine
My wife told me she hated it when I did my flamingo impression, so I had to put my foot down.
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Hahaha, that was pretty clever! I'm going to try and use that today.
 
My new girlfriend just found out that I'm 42.

She said, "You told me that you were 28 and a half!"

I said, "I am if you think about it."
 
During a ride in a taxicab, the rider touched the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

Upon the touch, the cab driver flinched, screamed, then went into a panic and almost wrecked the cab. Finally the driver got control and pulled to side of road.

Still shaking, he turned to his rider and apologized. He said, "Sorry about that. This is my first day as a cab driver. For the past 20 years I have driven a hearse".
 
Liverpool have finally taken home a trophy after six years: The Carling Cup.

That's a bit like being single for six years and then bringing home Susan Boyle
 
RacecarBMW
During a ride in a taxicab, the rider touched the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

Upon the touch, the cab driver flinched, screamed, then went into a panic and almost wrecked the cab. Finally the driver got control and pulled to side of road.

Still shaking, he turned to his rider and apologized. He said, "Sorry about that. This is my first day as a cab driver. For the past 20 years I have driven a hearse".
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Hehe I chuckled a good bit! Need to remember it.
 
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. “You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.”

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything theyÂ’ll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isnÂ’t able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - heÂ’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says,

”What happened? Was the cord too long?”

The first guy says, “No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a ‘pinata’?”
 
[Anti-Joke Chicken] He wouldn't bounce the same height every time, so the second guy wouldn't be able to just "catch" him. [/AJC]

But I did laugh at it.
 
Neutron walks into a bar, asks for a drink and puts some money on the counter. The barman waves his offer away and says "for you sir, no charge".

Ah, science jokes.
 
So a horse walks into the bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?"

Yeah thats all I've got. Most of my jokes are in the context of something being said around me.

Edit: Ah! Got one.

So theres a couple living in a home. The roof begins to leak. The wife says "Honey, will you fix the roof?"
"Who do you think I am, a roofer?"

So they carry on.
The next day, a Lightbulb goes out. "Honey, can you fix that?"
"What do I look like, an electrician?"

On the 3rd day, the toilet stops working "Hey hun, can you fix the loo?"
"Who do you think i am, a plumber?"

So the man returns from work, to find everything fixed.
"So you hired a handyman.. How much did it cost?"

"Well, he said I could either Bake him a cake, or (Do some inappropriate things) for him."
"So you made the cake, right?"
"Who do you think I am, Betty Crocker?"
 
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