Jokes!!

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A man walked into a bar. "ouch!" he said.

Two men walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would've noticed it.

A drunk man walked into a bar, looking for a fight. He shouts out "anyone on my left is a w:censored:! Anyone have a problem with that?" Nobody in the bar bats an eyelid. He then says "anyone on my right it gay! Anyone have a problem with that?" An elderly man stands up, and the drunk man says "D'you want a fight mister?" And the old man says "nah, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar".
 
A man goes down to his allotment one day and he finds that someone has put a couple of inches of top soil all over his patch.

He goes down again the next day, and the same thing has happened again, with another few inches of top soil added on top.

"Hmmmm," he thinks to himself, "the plot thickens..."
 
Tim Vine appears to have taken over the thread, in which case...

"My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
 
I know slSt Patricks Day isnt until the 17, but i couldnt wait to bust out the irish jokes...

Why do the Irish only put 239 beans into their Irish Bean Cassarole?
Because one more would make it- too farty.
(funnier if you say it out loud).

What is Irish, has 20 legs, and stays out all night?
Patty-o-furniture.
 
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Seeing this post in the Funny Pic thread reminded me of this old joke:

A blonde driving her Volkswagen Beetle (old Beetle, not New Beetle) saw another Beetle alongside the road with the front hood up and another blonde peering into it. The first blonde pulled over, walked up to the second blonde, and asked what was wrong. The second blonde pointed to the empty compartment and said it appears her engine is missing. The first blonde said "Oh that's no problem! I have a spare in my trunk!"
 
Jesus joke time.

Jesus is hanging, nailed to his cross, when he looks down and says "Don't do it, my son". Few seconds later, he looks down again, and goes "Son, you know you don't want to do that". One last time he says "Son, please don't do that".

A few seconds later, he starts losing balance and falling, and goes "You goddamn beaver!".

..


I'll get my coat.
 
Two Irish people were waking down the street when they saw a sign saying 'Tree Fellers Wanted'.
One said to the other, 'should we apply for that?'
The other replied, 'we can't, there's only two of us'
(it works better if you read it out loud in an Irish accent)
 
Matt
Two Irish people were waking down the street when they saw a sign saying 'Tree Fellers Wanted'.
One said to the other, 'should we apply for that?'
The other replied, 'we can't, there's only two of us'
(it works better if you read it out loud in an Irish accent)
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Ah, I got it. Pretty clever.
 
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.
 
A man is in his house, it's late at night and there's a knock at the door... And he goes to the door, and it's a snail. The snail says "I'd like to talk to you about buying some magazine subscriptions." And the man is so furious that he's been interrupted that he rears back and kicks the snail as hard as he can, slams the door, and goes to bed. Two years later, there's another knock on the door. He opens it, and it's the snail, and the snail goes... "What the **** was that all about?"
 
Daniel
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.
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Haha yes sir! and when you have multiple females monstrating at the same time, you better go ahead and shove the cricket stump up there for them.
 
Husband banned from Target

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called..

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
 
BLITZ_69
This is either the best slip-up, or coolest new pun I've seen. Perfect description.
Click to expand...
It was just used on the show Modern Family a few weeks ago.
 
Pierced Lead
Husband banned from Target

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called..

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
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LOL!!!!!! That is so funny!! Numbers 13 and 6 I've done before!!! No JOKE!!!
 
Once upon a time in a small village, a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10.

The villagers seeing there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10, but, as the supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their efforts. The man further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to $25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now act as buyer, on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when he returns from the city, you can sell them back to him for $50.'

The villagers squeezed together their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man or his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere! Welcome to WALL STREET.
 
Ok I'm bored so here goes.

How do you get an Irish man to burn his ear?
Phone him while he's doing his ironing.
 
Pierced Lead
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
Click to expand...

My ex-girlfriend was very happy when I did that one. :ouch:
Maybe that's why she's my ex-girlfriend. :lol:
Anyway I did have fun sneaking through the store. :D
 
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A conservative, a moderate and a liberal walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hi Mitt."
 
DK
A conservative, a moderate and a liberal walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hi Mitt."
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Good one.

Found these gems:
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Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.

The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."

The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."

While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires. They both scream, "What are you doing?"

To which the statistician replies, "Trying to get an adequate sample size."
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The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
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Found them here.
 
I got my Mum a new fridge for Mother's Day last weekend - her face lit up when she opened it.
 

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