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Discussion in 'The Rumble Strip' started by JohnBM01, Mar 24, 2004.
Turns out that it didn’t help at all and its left me feeling like a failure and suicidal.
You mean put-your-anxiety-head-in-cold-water trick?
Nope, flying to San Francisco to see an old friend and ‘take a break’.
It didn’t help at all.
If you have another anxiety attack, try that trick and see if it helps.
If you can help anyone in any capacity, do so in these tough times. We have to do all we can to help ourselves and others be well in these tough times. Certainly seek help if deep in clinical depression or anxiety.
Don't let depression or anxiety win.
I had an anxiety attack earlier this month and tried the cold water trick. It didn't work.
I feel like my serotonin is well out of whack. I have no motivation to do anything productive and haven’t felt like eating properly for days. I called in sick today because I just couldn’t muster the will to engage in my work or even get out of bed (I’m still in bed, it’s nearly lunch time).
I can’t say I feel like I’m seriously depressed though, just half way there.
Back on the meds, me thinks.
Take of yourself and don't self medicate if that is what you do.
I can't go on like this anymore. I want it all to end. It's pure torture.
What’s getting to you?
I saw the shrink on Thursday and was given some Valium to chill me out. Current depressive state was caused by thinking I was well enough to stop the meds. Guess I was wrong... and Prozac withdrawal is a real downer.
Stupid as it sounds I’ve picked up a few beers for this evening because I can’t stand being a soulless zombie around my daughter so I’d rather the temporary boost now and deal with the comedown tomorrow when I’m not with her.
I’d order you a pizza, @kikie, if that could help you feel better, but that’s a bit of a difficult thing to do from the other side of the world. So instead I’ll just pass on some advice that’s helped me occasionally; take it one day at a time. Survive one day. Then do that the next, then the next.
I was is such a bad place (depression) and suffering mentally so badly that I wanted to end it all. I don't necessarily mean my life but the suffering. I lost around 3kg in a few days due to the stress and suffering.
A pizza sounds really good.
I'm probably going to make a fool of myself by telling this but I'm in so deep (depression) that I don't know if I should stay on GTP or leave.
I use to be able to defeat depressions because of my fighting spirit, my character. Not anymore, I lost all my fighting spirit and want everything to end.
I don't know what to do anymore. Can't even remember how it feels to be happy, content. All I feel is all the negative emotions, depression, mental suffering.
It is all about attitude and positive thinking/feeling. Medication is only a tool to help you but you still have to do it yourself. Fight, don't give up, leave the house, say that it will all be better. I lost all of that.
I'm exhausted, mentally. I'm afraid to live, to get older, to suffer even more. I'm done, I've had enough. This doesn't necessarily mean that I'm going to end my life but the thought is there every day almost all the time. I think I still have a little lifeforce in me to stay alive. But who knows, this can change fast for the worst.
Thank you, mom, for giving me this ****ed up brain. Making me, waiting until I was a young adult and commit suicide and leave my father and me behind.
I feel very similarly, plus I'm fighting a debilitating painful illness from when I wake up till I go to bed - but you know why I carry on? What makes me grind life every single day? Love? The pursuit of happiness? The sheer will to life? Hope things get better?
No, none of those illusions matter.
Its spite. I feel depressed and I've been unable to feel happy even in the very rare events I have reason to, for years. But then I get angry and think I will not let the world defeat me, if I'm forced to go I will do so kicking and screaming, and definitely not willingly. Defying fate and life is what motivates me, I will not give in and give anyone or anything the satisfaction of my destruction.
So if you can't feel happy, get angry. Get angry and defiant. Live despite all of it, do interesting things, try to improve yourself, a day you spit ''fate'', your adversaries and naysayers in the face can never be a fully bad day.
I'm still in a very bad place but I think it is best to post some stuff now and then, to put my mind to something else.
A couple of weeks ago, I was very well, all was peachy as I like to say, with a few bad days in between and suddenly a while ago after a very night sleep, I relapsed. I don't understand because I have never had this before.
Another thing that is different is that several doctors prescribed me medication (that I probably don't even need) on which I had an adverse effect and every time I relapsed for a few days after these meds. This is the very first year that they were prescribed even by a psychiatrist who saw me for the first time and only about 20 min.
I pretty sure these meds messed up my already very sensitive brain and made me relapse. All the negative emotions (like jealousy) in combination with depression is what is going through my body all the time. It is unbearable.
I think I asked before but have any of your doctors talked about ECT (electroconvulsive therapy)?
Everyone who has never had a depression in his/her life, raise your hand.
No. I'm not going to ask it myself.
OK that's fair enough.
Have you got other support groups, or anyone else who listens to your problems either online or in person?
No, I never had anyone to listen to my problems. Not even until today. But things are about to change. I have my very first appointment this Friday with a psychologist specialised in all of my problems I had to deal with from the age of 15.
I bottled up everything for many, many, maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaany years and tried to cope with it, buried it or try to process it myself until I collapsed in my very first clinical depression at the age of 25.
Maybe I'm going to ask about this ECT after all. You made me curious. Oh, it is just plain old electroshocks.
I don't know what to say. At this moment I can barely think or write because I'm all down in de hole of depression. I don't know what to do anymore.
It is so hard, so hard that I want it to end it all immediately.
Two months ago things started to get better and I almost had my life back and then 3 weeks ago after having barely slept I relapsed. Pure suffering and no relieve.
Keep trying, keep fighting. Not worth it to give it all up. Take advantage of whatever resources are available to you.
Recently, I've learned of anxiety as being just as debilitating as depression. I never really thought about just how taxing it one's mind and body anxiety can be. There have been times where I admit I can be a bit nervous or considering the worst possible thing to happen. Regardless, I've had more intense depression than I've had anxiety. Some of my most nervous moments have led to me being depressed. Both tend to go hand-in-hand to bring most people to their knees.
Get help where you can and don't give up. Also, and as always, don't let depression or anxiety win.
So, last night my friend lost his battle with the tumour growing in his brain.
It's an odd thing. Despite his absolute effort to overcome the insurmountable I have been grieving for him since he told me he was going to die. This morning when I get the message from his wife, I almost didn't feel anything. I know it'll creep up on me, and I'll lose it at some point, but right now, I'm just looking for some meaning in it all, that probably isn't there, to try and make me change my own ways.
My best friend is dead, he had everything to live for. I'm sat here pondering whether or not I should be wasting my life in my own river of self pity.
I said it before, and I'll say it again. It ain't fair.
Very sorry to hear that @MatskiMonk
It is very sad news, but it would be unfair on yourself to compare your situation to his, even though it is hard not to make such comparisons at times. Last week was the 10th anniversary of my cousin's death - he was 35 and had two young kids, and there was (still is) me, unmarried, no kids and awaiting a call from the UK Olympic Drinking team.
But there's nothing anyone could have done to stop what happened to your best mate or to my cousin, and we just need to live our own lives the best we can. Yes, it does sharpen one's resolve to not waste time, and to try and live a productive life, but there's simply no legislating for how cruel life can be to some people.
At the very least, though, I can look back and say that I had a great relationship with my cousin and we still would have today if not for his cancer, but the truth is our lives were already very different, even back then.
But I continue to think about and be influenced by my cousin to this day, and I often have a drink in his honour, laugh at the memory of the great times we shared, and cry for his passing frequently. I like to think he would be as proud of me as I am of him, and that makes the 'unfairness' of it easier to bare.
Indeed, life ain't fair for a lot of people on this planet.
This depression I'm in since the end of February is the worst depression I have had. But for some reason, I finally understand completely why I'm having this life. All the life puzzle pieces have come together and the picture is complete now and it is all my fault that I have this miserable life. It all started at the age of 14 when one guy in school decided to ***** up my life and started to bully me, call me names and make ridiculous every time he could, even in class. After this Wherever I went, wherever I was, total strangers started to call me names as well. Many times they yelled across the street and every time it hurt like hell, every time I died a little bit inside. I became anxious and depressed but didn't know it. I never told anyone and kept it to myself for many years. Even my friends (neighbours) joined the party of name calling. When this one guy started it all in school, the bullying went in the quantum field and because everyone and everything is connected, everybody started to make my life a living hell. You know, Einstein's spooky action, quantum entanglement.
I started to feel bad about myself. Created a huge minority complex, which I still have and lost all my self-confidence. Created chronic anxiety and a chronic depression which I still have today.
But if I started thinking about this even more, during these last couple of months, I came to the conclusion that it is all my own fault. I didn't do it on purpose of course but the fact that life started to be unfair was all my fault.
I know for sure that it is the way I reacted to this pestering, which went on until my early twenties. I created my own misery by doing nothing about it. By making it a problem, make myself vulnerable and let everybody get under my skin. This made me into who I'm now.
What I'm trying to say is that life hasn't been fair to me at all but I created the personal reality myself, so in all fairness, it is my own fault that life aint't fair. I never did anything about these problems (traumas) and kept on going without finding help. But I didn't know any better.
So sometimes it is your own fault that life isn't fair, but in other cases, it is absolutely not your fault at all and that makes it a tragedy.
Have you described this to a mental health professional?
What you are describing sounds very like the effects of paranoia... which would not be your fault at all.
The bit about total strangers calling you names is very telling... that strongly suggests paranoia i.e. why would someone who has never met you before call you names? How could they even know that this was a thing with you...? In short, it sounds extremely unlikely... but it can be explained by episodes of paranoia.
I'm by no means an expert, but I have experienced paranoia myself once - it was very unsettling and deeply unpleasant, but I also now know that this is what happened.
I was lucky that my experience with paranoia was brief, and that I came to understand it for what it was, as opposed to living permanently with it, and all the mental anguish that that would have invariably caused.
Either way, it is never too late to seek help - and if you haven't spoken to a doctor/mental health professional about this already, then you should.
No it was not paranoia. I'm absolutely sure of it. It happened many times and it was no imagination.
Why did they do this, well there was something about my appearance that made me an easy target to be bullied. Everybody who has this "feature" is a potential target and it was a feature that was very noticeable. And as you know, kids and youth can be very hard. I was never insulted by an adult, it was always kids and youth. I even confronted some of these kids or youth and tried to resolve this in a diplomatic way.
So again, no paranoia. And if you find it unlikely, fair enough. But it really happened. In my case, the way I looked made it actually very likely that strangers called me names.
I remember that on top gear a guest with the same thing I had was questioned about it by Jeremy. Jeremy asked if this guy was bullied because of this and if it bothered him to look that way. Jeremy even said that looking like that is a problem and people looking like this are almost always victims of being bullied. So, no, again, no paranoia or hallucinations or whatever. It was a hard reality.
On another top gear show, a guy in the audience looked the same way and when Jeremy saw this guy, Jeremy immediately insulted this guy in front of the camera.
I'm still so ashamed that I can't even tell you what it was.
I am actually a little bit hurt that you don't believe me that it happened and blame it on something that hasn't happened.
Don't be, it makes more sense with the additional information you added in this follow-up post.
Please remember, if you are going to post stuff publicly, then you are inviting people to comment and react... that's what this thread is for. I didn't say I don't believe you - I said it sounded very like paranoia, based on my own experience of such... but I didn't say it was, or that I don't believe you.
In any case, it would be a good idea to discuss this with someone who has proper training in how to deal with such things - bullying is awful and scarring, and it can and does happen to people at all ages and in all walks of life - but it is never too late to speak to people about it and try to fix some of the terrible damage it can cause, and hence everyone in this thread is here to help as much as they can with that.
And yes I have contact with a psychologist but I had to cancel two appointments because I was so severely depressed those days.
I never believed in talking to psychologists. I always thought it was a waste of time because what can they do to help me. I changed my mind since June when a psychiatrist, was only one consultation, told me several times during the 20 min. she saw me that I have to go to a psychologist. Even her secretary repeated this on the phone several times. According to this psychiatrist (she), without seeing a psychologist I would stay in this negative spiral, keep having anxiety and depressions.
I do regret though that I never did anything about it. One time I went to a psychologist and after the first session, I was so convinced that it was a waste of time and never went back.
I do have this feeling that it is too late to get better because I have wasted the most beautiful times of my life and I will never get this back and have the life almost everyone has.
Might help you to just say what it was. If you feel it's an obstacle or barrier, or something you need to hide... knock it down... own it.
Getting called names by strangers really isn't normal or the kind of thing you should try and rationalise... we all know kids can be ****'s to any other kid for basically any reason... but short of having a swastika tattooed on your forehead you're probably being unfair to yourself to feel shame over something like this.
Nope, I'm so not ready to say what it was.
Of course, it is not normal but it happened anyway. And people with the same thing would probably have had the same problems. By the way, these strangers were always kids or slightly older. So they were younger than me or around my age. When I got older, in my early twenties it still happened and still by kids who were much younger than me.
I can't remember when but it all suddenly stopped. I still feel anxiety when I'm riding my bike and come across kids.
Pfff, whatever. I'm literally sick and tired of this life anyway.