Wow, is the Eurovision Song Contest really this unpopular? I guess the vast majority of people on this site haven't even heard of it, let alone give a rat's posterior about it... however, for those who did watch this annual televisual feast of farce, here's what I thought about it
As per usual, Terry Wogan stole the show. Saying that, he doesn't really have much in the way of competition. My mate predicted Ukraine, Turkey and Germany to top the scoring, but failed miserably to predict Serbia. His opinion on Serbia was summarised in just one word. "No." I predicted the bottom three to be Ireland (correct 👍 ), Latvia and Belarus. At one point, Latvia, Ireland and UK all had 0 points, and it looked like my prediction was going to be 2/3 correct, but Latvia benefited from a late surge to finish with a semi-respectable score. The UK, however, only got two lots of votes in the entire evening, from Ireland and Malta. Bloc voting totally dominated this year, but what else did we expect...?
Now on to the individual entries. All I can say is, this contest never fails to amaze me. It started off quite well, but the standards went downhill faster than Eddie Edwards with vaseline on his skies. I need to single out those entries which deserve special mention, and what (in my view anyway) would be the appropriate course of action to take. (I've also added a 'most appropriate smilie' for each...)
- Sweden
- This guy thought he was David Bowie and T. Rex, mixed with a hint of Placebo and Kylie Minogue. To say this lot sucked would be like calling the Grand Canyon a hole. They even plagerised Bowie lyrics: "..a mortal with potential of a Superman" is a line from 'Quicksand' from the album 'Hunky Dory'. Simply put, this lot should be stripped of their musical instruments and never allowed to perform in public again. And the Scandanavian countries who voted for them should be banned for 6 years each.
- Latvia
- Top hats and roses were the order of the day here, which was a cunning ruse to draw your eye from their faces. Ranging from around 35-65, this lot of dodgy old geezers were almost (but not quite) so bad you felt sorry for them. Again, they were able to rely on their neighbours to give them a few sympathy votes.
- United Kingdom
- Guys, what is it about the fact that nobody likes us that you don't understand? Calling the song 'Flying The Flag' and surrounding yourself with a backdrop of a massive Union Jack is about the most stupid thing you could possibly do (short of performing the same routine at a Sinn Féin fundraiser). And if you're going to do camp, atleast make sure you are not utterly out-camped by the entry immediately before you (the Ukranian drag-queen, who finished 2nd... ) Utter rubbish that deserved to be 2nd last. Whoever voted for this in the UK should never be allowed to use a phone, digital TV or the internet again. Shame on you all!!
- France 🤬 - Non. Just because you can't be relegated either, doesn't give you the excuse to produce this level of utter garbage. Absolutement maird. This lot should be starpped to chairs and their eyes forced open with mechanical objects (much like in the film 'A Clockwork Orange') and forced to watch their own performance until they were physically sick.
- Belarus
- This year's inexplicable success-story. How they finished so high is an absolute miracle that even the staunchest atheist would find difficult to dismiss. If ever there was a good reason to sing in your own language, it was demonstrated by this guy. Fair enough, rhyming 'skin' with 'win' should work in theory, but both shouldn't also be able to rhyme with the word 'Queen'... Given that Belarus are likely to win this contest soon, merely as a result of bloc voting, they don't need to bother improving their act, therefore the appropriate action would be to send Doctor Who to Belarus and transport the country's entire music industry into the 21st Century.
- Ireland
- Quite possibly the most atrocious song and most abject performance of any country, in any Eurovision, ever, even in an infinite multiverse scenario. All I can assume is that this lot were actually Romania's top Irish folk group impersonators, or that Ireland were trying a cunning plan to fool people into thinking they were also a part of the Eastern European voting bloc. Ironically, with a performance as utterly dreadful as this, it is my guess that this whole band will be extradited to a country far, far away, never again allowed to set foot in Ireland (if, indeed, they have ever been there in the first place!).... Normally I would hold back on the criticism, since one leaves oneself open to the counter-attack of "Well I bet you couldn't do any better...". In all honesty, even my grandma armed only with a banjo and crippling arthritis could have done better than the Irish this year. I'm not kidding! Two questions immediately arise... 1) How on Earth did they ever win their local contest for the right to represent Ireland? I can only assume that they were selected entirely randomly in a tombola, in a small pub in Limerick. 2) WHY did they choose to front the band with a woman who COULDN'T SING HER WAY OUT OF A WET PAPER BAG!? Ireland has a proud tradition of folk singers - unfortunately, somebody clearly forgot to mention that to this rabble. I would not be surprised if this lot ended up in The Hague, explaining their song to a jury from behind a sheet of two-inch thick perspex. I normally wouldn't condone capital punishment, but honestly, you'd be doing the world a favour in this case.
All in all, a very entertaining night, marred only by the complete lack of consideration for
any of the music when deciding the votes... (oh, and those hot Russian girls got my vote
) Can't wait for next year...
Props to Slick Rick for putting this thread in the correct forum (i.e. not the Music forum...)
👍
The Eurovision Song Contest continues to offer hope to those of us who play and/or write music - albeit in a back-handed way.
