The Thread About Ponies, Logistics and General Weirdness (And Gilda)TV 

  • Thread starter Thread starter TommyWizard
  • 35,369 comments
  • 3,503,887 views
broniebrown-20110623T140644-wzamunu.gif


Yes, it's true, it's AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAll true.
 
^As far as the internet is concerned they're all bi.


Anyway, this is also incredible.
making_stars_by_ladyamaltea-d3jt6sn.jpg

Simply beautiful.

And yes, the guy who just commented on the sexuality of magical ponies called a work of art 'beautiful'.
 
All done.

Be gentle. "I need to rewrite Pinkie's dialog" ended up meaning "I need to rewrite almost the entirety of the last three pages," which eventually became "I'm pretty clearly padding this for length, so I'll just get rid of those pages entirely." I took the title from a cancelled Canadian game show, and ponyfied it.
 
^Damn, bad timing. I'll read it later tonight.

But are you planning to submit it to ED, or are you going to wait to hear what we think?
 
It's funny going through that as a googledoc and catching all the stupid mistakes I made with word use that I totally missed when I reviewed it in Word.


Anyways, some stats:
9500 words.
21 Pages (pared down from the original 24).
Three rewrites of the scene in the hotel.
Two rewrites of the balloon ride scene.
How close was the final concept to my original dream? Eh, fairly. I could go into detail on this if anyone wants, but otherwise I won't take up your time.
 
Toronado
It's funny going through that as a googledoc and catching all the stupid mistakes I made with word use that I totally missed when I reviewed it in Word.


Anyways, some stats:
9500 words.
21 Pages (pared down from the original 24).
Three rewrites of the scene in the hotel.
Two rewrites of the balloon ride scene.
How close was the final concept to my original dream? Eh, fairly. I could go into detail on this if anyone wants, but otherwise I won't take up your time.
Click to expand...

I'm reading it and it's quite massive,is this chapter one or a full story?
Never mind.
(*up to page 10 now*)
 
Last edited:
Odd the PDF I downloaded was only 17 pages. I'm up to page 3 of it and so far I think there is one spelling mistake.
When dash gets the letter.
 
Toronado
It's funny going through that as a googledoc and catching all the stupid mistakes I made with word use that I totally missed when I reviewed it in Word.


Anyways, some stats:
9500 words.
21 Pages (pared down from the original 24).
Three rewrites of the scene in the hotel.
Two rewrites of the balloon ride scene.
How close was the final concept to my original dream? Eh, fairly. I could go into detail on this if anyone wants, but otherwise I won't take up your time.
Click to expand...

you STILL managed it in a day, and you show a very mature writing voice. I only read up to where Dash got the letter from Trixie, I'll try for something more in-depth tomorrow.

I may also start working up "How Equestria was Made," in my vision, and thus set up some of the canon for my own fics.
 
At the end of page ten:

Holy crap, Pinkie Snake! I'm guessing this scene was partly inspired by the image that you posted a few weeks ago showing Pinkie using the cardboard box as a disguise.

Also, I've seen at least 4 spelling errors so far, but considering you made this in just one day, I think it's well written up to the point that I've read up to, plus it's been pretty enjoyable to read so far as well.
I'm going to continue reading from page 11 now.
 
Sorry I spotted another thing, when you say Pinkie Pie didn't know Trixie (page 4), she did. She was present in the crowd, watch from 3:30 and you'll see Fluttershy was also there.

The only think I can think of is that they didn't get up on stage to oppose Trixie, whereas the other 4 did.
 
Brando-K
Sorry I spotted another thing, when you say Pinkie Pie didn't know Trixie (page 4), she did. She was present in the crowd, watch from 3:30 and you'll see Fluttershy was also there.

The only think I can think of is that they didn't get up on stage to oppose Trixie, whereas the other 4 did.
Click to expand...

Eagle eye,I was about to post that :lol:
 
Ah. I should probably fix that. Which means I need to find a way to fix that.
:lol:

I suppose I could just remove the line, but I like that line, so I'll have to write around it I suppose.


The bit when they arrive in Manehattan and Applejack is taking them on a tour is a direct reference to Ah Ain't Got No Accent; mostly because I thought it would make a good framing device to explain why Rarity didn't go with them, so if you want an explanation just read the synopsis for that story in the recommendation list to get the general gist of what happened.

Also, in case it's not obvious, I don't know anything about Quantum Mechanics other than how it is a synonym for "complicated," so I wasn't able to pursue the joke to the extent I was for the other two.
 
Last edited:
Finished,so I guess that its good,in fact:

Its really influenced by TBoTS,however its presentation belongs to a normal episode,some of the real-world-things-pony-counterparts were quite clever and the whole story is entertaining enough to keep reading,I have to make a comparison with TBoTS due to the usage of manehatan,I guess that is good,in fact it can say that it matches the same entertaining level of TBoTS without resorting to the Lesbia... sorry the excess of friendship.

Having said that I have a complain(complain,not whining),and its the ending,probably I don't like the endings on the Fanfic I have read but the ending was too sudden,kind of an very short epilogue,the story could use a longer epilogue to make up for the story.

Apart from that,I really like,its well written and have clever jokes(The whole game thing reminds me of Monopoly)and its entertaining ,so I guess that is a good job(but still needs a 20% cooler epilogue).

Having said that I have a question,Will you send it to ED once the revision is finished?

In other topic:
Found this,made me laugh a bit:

27841%20-%20cheerilee%20derpy_hooves%20dj-p0n3.jpg
 
Last edited:
There are two scenes that have been bothering me. The ending is definitely one of them, for reasons you outlined. I had a second Pinkie Pie gag at the end that I thought was really good by itself, but I ended up cutting it because it didn't flow as well with the rest of the ending as I hoped. I'm trying to think how I can rewrite it to get it in the story.

The other scene was the Defrosting Ice Queen scene, which I really liked when I first wrote it because it was basically a parody of the idea if you paid close attention to it; but as I read it more and more it seemed to me like it was basically a self-insert side plot. And above all else I really wanted to avoid doing that. I wanted my hypothetical author avatar to be the butt of the jokes rather than the thing the moves the plot along.

So I ended up cutting the majority of it out entirely, which at the moment I think still is better than what I had written.


I can assure you that any TBoTS influence is accidental rather than intentional. For example, I used Manehattan for two reasons:
1. So I could write a jokes about Applejack's time there as a filly.
2. Because I couldn't think of a horse-based pun for Los Angeles or Hollywood, so I figured Manehattan would work because Manhattan in real life has a large TV presence.

That being said, you are right in making the connection between the two stories, because I noticed the shared themes too about halfway through reading the completed story.
Specifically, I realized that I had basically written a story where Trixie uses her influence over a TV show to mess with the Mane characters, which is two words away from being identical to the framing device for TBoTS. It actually scared the crap out of me when I first noticed it.

And, yes, the ultimate plan is to submit this to ED. I just need to fiddle around with it first to get it right before I do it, because otherwise I'm going to notice something I screwed up and it will bother me until the day I die.
 
Last edited:
Damn, looks like I might never get time to read the whole thing.
Unless I somehow get a few hours of free time in the next week I might not be able to read it for a while.
I could just blow off everything else and read it, but, you know.....vacation things.

I'll keep it saved on my phone, I might give it a read while I'm at the beach.




So much...cute....must not...HNNNNNNNNG

 
Last edited:
^That last video was great!


Anyway, I finished reading 'You Bet Your Flank' earlier:

Is it me, or is there was a vague reference to TBoTS on page 2 when Rainbow Dash was referred to as an "Azure pegasus". It was Trixie who was regularly referred to as an Azure Pony in TBoTS if I recall.

Also, I wouldn't have called Rainbow Dash "Azure" myself as she is a lighter shade of blue, whereas Trixie is actually Azure Blue (sorry if I'm nit picking).

akiraacecombat
Having said that I have a complain(complain,not whining),and its the ending,probably I don't like the endings on the Fanfic I have read but the ending was too sudden,kind of an very short epilogue,the story could use a longer epilogue to make up for the story.
Click to expand...

It did seem to end quite abruptly. The story could have been rounded off with the characters returning to Ponyville or something like that. It just needs something extra added to the final part so the ending doesn't seem so sudden.

Apart from that, this story is good, I mean I liked the real-world references like IBM and Microsoft, plus it had its fair share of funny moments (the part where Pinkie keeps going on about spinning a big wheel, only for her to say "There's no wheel in 'You Bet Your Flank'!" springs to mind).
In terms of the amount of time it took you to create this story, I think it turned out rather well. There is, of course, room for improvement, so you'll need to check through it to find any mistakes and rectify them, especially as you plan to submit your story to ED.
 
Wiegert
^That last video was great!

It did seem to end quite abruptly. The story could have been rounded off with the characters returning to Ponyville or something like that. It just needs something extra added to the final part so the ending doesn't seem so sudden.
Apart from that, this story is good, I mean I liked the real-world references like IBM and Microsoft, plus it had its fair share of funny moments (the part where Pinkie keeps going on about spinning a big wheel, only for her to say "There's no wheel in 'You Bet Your Flank'!" springs to mind).

In terms of the amount of time it took you to create this story, I think it turned out rather well. There is, of course, room for improvement, so you'll need to check through it to find any mistakes and rectify them, especially as you plan to submit your story to ED.
Click to expand...

I agree with you about the ending it does seem a bit abrupt and Rarities speech at the end appears off to me, I'm not sure why it just does. I also think that you have some humorous parts in this story such as what has been mentioned but also the part where AJ goes and does something to the receptionist.
I don't like the real world comparisons though. They need to be ponified. Microsoft might need to be changed to something like Macinsoft (I know thats more an apple product). Mainly because you did it for other products in the show (CBS) it seems out of place.

Other than that all that's really needed is a through spell/grammar check as some sentences don't make perfect sense. Good work Toro, but I was joking yesterday when I said I want to read it today, you didn't need to finish it so quickly. :sly:
 
Wiegert
Is it me, or is there was a vague reference to TBoTS on page 2 when Rainbow Dash was referred to as an "Azure pegasus". It was Trixie who was regularly referred to as an Azure Pony in TBoTS if I recall.

Also, I wouldn't have called Rainbow Dash "Azure" myself as she is a lighter shade of blue, whereas Trixie is actually Azure Blue (sorry if I'm nit picking).
Click to expand...
That was absolutely accidental. I wrote "azure" because I didn't want to write "sky blue," and I was too stupid to write "cyan."

Wiegert
It did seem to end quite abruptly. The story could have been rounded off with the characters returning to Ponyville or something like that. It just needs something extra added to the final part so the ending doesn't seem so sudden.
Click to expand...
Yeah. In hindsight ending it on an obscure visual gag probably wasn't the best idea.





Brando-K
Rarities speech at the end appear off to me, I'm not sure why it just does.
Click to expand...
You're probably right.
Rarity getting cut off from saying stuff throughout the story was a running gag that I was trying to get going, and I wanted the time she got to say her piece to be profound, but I didn't want it to be overt because of the whole Trixie cloak thing. I'm not sure how well I carried it out.


Brando-K
I don't like the real world comparisons though. They need to be ponified. Microsoft might need to be changed to something like Macinsoft (I know thats more an apple product). Mainly because you did it for other products in the show (CBS) it seems out of place.
Click to expand...
I agree entirely, but I couldn't think of one.

Brando-K
Good work Toro, but I was joking yesterday when I said I want to read it today, you didn't need to finish it so quickly.
Click to expand...
I needed to write it today before I forgot about any of it.
 
Last edited:
Brando-K
I don't like the real world comparisons though. They need to be ponified. Microsoft might need to be changed to something like Macinsoft (I know thats more an apple product). Mainly because you did it for other products in the show (CBS) it seems out of place.
Click to expand...

Actually, when I saw that Trixie's show was being broadcasted on CBS, I couldn't help but think that the channel name could have been ponified very easily. I was thinking it could have been something like EBS (Equestria Broadcasting System), it seems like an obvious choice for a TV channel name in Equestria to me.

I don't really have a problem with the fact that Microsoft or IBM weren't ponified though, but I can't think of a ponified name for either of them apart from the one Brando-K mentioned (Macinsoft).
 
IBM was ponified. Ish. I changed the acronym to mean International Baling Machines.




I thought about changing CBS to EBS, but the problem is that I imagine many bronies link EBS with this image, and I didn't want anyone to think that I was implying the show was on the Equestrian equivalent to PBS. So I took the lazy way out and changed CBS to mean "Colt Broadcasting System" and left it at that.







And as I'm writing this, I just thought a way that I can write Macinsoft into the story while still keeping the same joke.
 
Toronado
IBM was ponified. Ish. I changed the acronym to mean International Baling Machines.

I thought about changing CBS to EBS, but the problem is that I imagine many bronies link EBS with this image, and I didn't want anyone to think that I was implying the show was on the Equestrian equivalent to PBS. So I took the lazy way out and changed CBS to mean "Colt Broadcasting System" and left it at that.


And as I'm writing this, I just thought a way that I can write Macinsoft into the story while still keeping the same joke.
Click to expand...

One of the main reasons why I hate acronyms is their ambiguity,so I don't know,maybe hoofs channel or something might be a better pun(if a pun is intended of course),also having read it for a second time,I found another link with TBoTS,and its the billboard,I remember to spot something similar and it was that,but with Trixie instead of Twilight.(Just that,I'm a bit petty)

Having said that,I think that the last thing I could say about it is that it should be split in maybe two or three episodes(that sounded confusing),the development of the concept in that amount of time is impressive,but as the development progresses it becomes to big to actually be approachable in one single episode(its about 20 pages now,after modifications it will probably make 25 or even 30 pages),fanfics have at top 10-15 pages(well the ones that I have read)and I think that this allow for the introduction of some of the jokes and puns that were skipped,and gives you more time to work in the ending.

That last bit is just a personal thought,I haven't read enough Fanfics to actually have a valid opinion about the subject,however I think that is a bit extensive to be approachable in one read.
 
So as it turns out, Tara Strong(Twilight Sparkle) has had some less.....friendly roles in the past. I've watched that show a couple times, but I never even got the connection between the 2.
She had a part in "Drawn Together", and someone had the idea to switch her lines....the result?
Incredibly strong language warning
Youtube Video

I lol'ed so much, and it makes me feel like a terrible person.:lol:




Also, I'll try and find time to read that fan-fic tomorrow.
But for now, I'm going to sleep:
224%252520-%252520animated%252520applejack%252520bed%252520doze%252520nap%252520sleep%252520sleeping%252520sleepy%252520snoring.gif
 
Ah, I want to read Toro's fan-fic.
8 hours and 20 minutes of 24h Nurburgring left though.
 

Similar threads

Lux Klonoa
The Daiki Kasho General Thread
Replies
16
Views
9K
Haiej
H
Touring Mars
The Balatro Thread
2 3
Replies
78
Views
32K
Wilsonson
W
wheelhp
Seattle grunge and beyond - Music thread
Replies
7
Views
2K
CotillionRope
CotillionRope
bigmull
The Old and the New.
Replies
1
Views
788
RS60NR
RS60NR
S
One question about FFB, as I'm new to it and still experimenting
Replies
0
Views
657
savior972
S

Latest Posts

Back